Kathie the Mean Mistreater

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison
Cast- [We open on a stage, with a blues band playing. Eventually, the harmonica man at the front stops playing and starts to talk at the camera. This is Mississipi Gary (Mark) - a stereotypical old Blues man.]

Mark: You know, there's more than one way to learn how to play the blues. In fact, there's two ways. The first way, you study your instrument. Your guitar, your harp or whatever you got, ya know ya study until you're a regular lead belly. The second way is to get hurt. I got hurt the best way, by a woman... by a mean bitchy woman, yessah. She gave me the blues so bad, I'd be lying in my hotel oom at 3 o'clock in the morning and I can't even move out of the refrigerator door, I got the blues so bad. I got the blues so bad, I'd be lying on my bed, I can't even turn myself over. I got the blues so bad, every night my eyes my keep poppin' wide open so I gotta call a friend and say "Hey buddy! Shut my eyes for me. I got the blues." I got hurt by a real bad woman, yasah I did. She called herself Kathie. Now, that's Kathie with a 'K'".

[We cut to a cubicle at AT & Love where we see Kathie (Bruce) typing. She also turns to the camera and speaks to it.]

Bruce: He said that about me? That I was a bitch? A mean mistreater? Moi? Well, if having high dating standards means that I'm a bitch, then... [pauses] well, I'm NOT a bitch! He's melodramatic. I really like Mississippi Gary, I do. But after a while, dating a bluesguy can be depressing. I mean, he brings his work home with him. I mean, Gary? I don't like Mondays either, but I still go to work. I mean, he sits around all day watching soap operas, waiting for his career to take off. He says that he's played with all the greats. I say "Good. Let's fill out a resume." But no. His whining is really starting to make me a little mad.

Mark: When Kathie with a 'K' got mad, you understand, she got the devil right in her eye. And she take all her troubles out on her blues-lovin guy, yessah. And she don't hurt a guy once, no she hurt a guy FIVE times. Yeah. Yeah. One time she won't talk to me. Two time, she won't walk with me. Three time, she won't squawk with me. Four time, she won't walk with me, but in a different place, you understand? And five time, she start to eat. Cause when Kathie with a 'K' get the devil in her eye, the devil take this bus right down to her thighs. Yessah, she be a fat dame, I'm telling ya. Yessah.

Bruce: [eating a cupcake] I eat. I do. I pick. I nibble. I misdress. I have a little food. But I don't have an eating disorder. I don't hide food. I don't puke on purpose. I mean, we were at "The K" (?) for heavens sake. That salad bar is 3 miles long! I mean, even if you have a little bit of this and a little bit of that, before you know it you're in way over your head. Well, of course I was eating! He was yelling at me so much!

Mark: I been waiting 5 minutes. I been waiting 10 minutes. I been waiting 15 minutes, finally I say "Waiter, waiter! Get me a cup of coffee cause I'm waiting on a meeeeeean mistreater here.", yessah!

Bruce: I'm sorry Mississippi Gary. I think it's time we both started seeing other people.

[There is a sudden blast of the harmonica]

Bruce: I mean, he's a fun date... but he's no life partner.

[Another blast of the harmonica]

Bruce: There are other fish in the sea... and some of them aren't DRUNK!

Mark: [playing harmonica then stopping] I know 100 women like her, with those dew-drop eyeglasses, you know, drive me crazy.

Bruce: Child!

Mark: Heart-breaker!

Bruce: Ill-mannered!

Mark: Looooooove-taker!

Bruce: Irresponsible!

Mark: Swamp witch!

Bruce: I want the money you owe me back!

Mark: You know, I thought I left her kind back in the bayou. [to the band] 1-2-3-4.

[We go to a split-screen as Mark starts to play again and Bruce types, while dancing in her seat to an unheard song.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video