Dave: Mass Murderer Monologue

Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by: Starski@cris.com
Scene: A kitchen; Dave is wearing a robe. He pours a cup of coffee.

Dave: The difficult thing about being a mass murderer isn't the, uh, murdering part. It's the mass past.

[Dave crosses to table with coffee and plate and eventually sits]

It's the pace you've got to keep up. The sheer volume of murdering. 'Cause the funny thing about killing...After the first time you've killed, the second time it's easy. The third time you start to get cocky so you gotta be careful. You know, you can't stay humble or you make dumb mistakes. And oh, by around the seventh time you're likely to feel you're in a bit of a rut...want to get artistic with it...you know, start cutting off the middle toe of each victim so you'll be known as the, uh, "Middle Toe Murderer." [He indicates quotation marks with his hands] By that point, uh, I don't know, I think that's showboating, you know? You gotta ask yourself, "Who am I doing this for? Am I doing it for myself or for the press?" And around about the 20th murder, well you're likely to be sick of the whole thing, you know? I, uh, sometimes I don't even want to look at another corpse. I feel...I feel like if I even see a chainsaw, I'll scream.

It's like what happened the other day. I - I had just finished ending a human life in a senseless act of violence, when I run into this old friend of mine from high school, and he says, "Hey, whatcha been doin?" And I think to myself, "What have I been doing? What am I doing with my life? Where is this leading? Am I going to be doing this at 50?"

Sometimes I really think I should go back to college...

[Dave opens a copy of The Mirror - headline: Killer Strikes Again]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video