Manny Koon

Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by: Olivia Shank
Cast- [Shows Scott in front of podium. Wearing a soiled white coat, ulmost bumish looking.]

Scott: Good evening, graduating class of the Ontario College of Art. My name is Manny Coon and I've been asked to speak to you about art. heh heh. Yet when I look out over your sea of vacant faces I feel like to puke. 'Cause I don't think any of you have suffered like ol' Manny Coon here has suffered.

I was born in a brothel, in a town which now no longer exists. When I was born, my mother mistook the afterbirth as my twin. And the cuter one, too, apparently. As I was immediately sold to the cleaning woman for a stamp... The cleaning woman went by the name of Magda. Lived out of the edge of town in an abandoned freezer. With a bum named Lucky.

Magda and Lucky used to fight over who's turn it was to beat me. So, to distract myself from the misery of my surroundings, I began to draw. And I drew whatever I could get my hands on. Flattened kleenex boxes, tin cans, fruit. But nothing fresh. I never had a fresh piece of fruit until I was 21. And it was alive... I still take the existance of peaches on here's day.

I was kicked out of the freezer when I hit puberty. So I hit the open road in search of fame and fortune. For the next ten years I wandered, sorta like that German Shepard... Hobo. Except I don't lick strangers faces unless I was f-cking them.

My school was the open road. Pain and suffering, my textbooks. My teachers, the gypsies and rapscallions I met along the way. The only constant in my life was art. For you see boys and girls I, Manny Coon, am enslved to the harshest mistress of all, my muse... That bitch rode the right side of my brain for all she was worth. Always driving me on to find that shade of blue that makes you cry, that red that makes you hot. And always... always, to paint bigger, and better, tits.

For you see I, Manny Coon, had a madicur(?) one day. 'Manny,' I said, 'What is it that gets to the people?' It was the tits. From there on I only painted tits! Green tits, yellow tits, blue tits, tits with three nipples! Tits over Atlanta, tits in wool and fur. Installation tits. Tits, tits, tits! And the result? Now my work hangs in all the best galleries in the planet. The art world is lined up to collectively kiss my ass...

So here I stand before you, drunk, smug, impotent... [makes a face wishing he hadn't said that last remark.] The only way I can come is to be hit by a bus. And I'm supposed to give you advice about art! The only advice I can give you is every morning paint something. I don't care what it is. A bottle of wine, a carrot, your favorite member of Menudo... Me? I like to paint a genital first thing. If I'm too hung over I photo copy my balls. If you're worrying about chromosome damage, don't bother. Artists shouldn't have kids... I don't really give a sh-t what you do! Just don't do it in MY livingroom... Good luck!" [takes a sip of alcohol]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video