The Women-Lovers

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: dreambox95
Cast- [Bruce and Dave are standing against a bar, talking. Both speak in suave, film noirish voice the whole time.]

Dave: ...she got angry, threw a drink and left.

Bruce: My god, you must've been covered in alcohol.

Dave: Truthfully, I was. [leans back to get more of a martini]

Bruce: I love it when women throw drinks.

Dave: I love it when they get drunk.

Bruce: But you forgave her.

Dave: Yes, I had to. You see, she was a woman, and I happen to love all women. In fact that's why she threw the drink.

Bruce: I see, she found your love too interesting, too intense, too...jackhammer.

Dave: No...not specific enough.

Bruce: I see, she was upset that you were loving other women. In her narrow way, she presumed that you were...cheating on her.

Dave: Yes, but wasn't I really only cheating myself?

Bruce: Of course you were. [takes a long sip of his drink]

Dave: I love all women! Is that a crime?

Bruce: Actually in some places it is.

Dave: Oh.

Bruce: But it's not a crime of the heart.

Dave: No.

Bruce: You were brave to love her, and her sister. AND the maid.

Dave: We are not pigs.

Bruce: No. We just love women!

Dave: How many?

Bruce: [pauses] All.

Dave: Yes, but how many women have you *loved*? [makes a suggestive punch in the air]

Bruce: Oh, *loved*. I would have to express the women I've *loved* as a percentage of the whole. Oh say forty percent.

Dave: Ooh. Well that is a *lot* of women.

Bruce: They don't understand that the women we've loved is not a number.

Dave: No, but if it were that number would be quite high. [Points up to emphasize]

Bruce: You understand. Sometimes I wish that *you* were a woman.

Dave: Oh, as do I, as do I. Then, I could love myself.

Bruce: If you were a woman, I would love you. And wait for you to throw a drink on me.

Dave: And I would throw one, were I a woman.

Bruce: And if you were a woman, I would deserve it. It is in our very makeup, we cannot change who we are!

Dave: No! To change would make an effort.

Bruce: We just love women.

Dave: Yes!

[Both throw drinks on each other]

Both: [triumphant] Ah!

[They turn around to face the bartender, refilling their drinks]

Dave: I don't think it's so terribly wrong...

Bruce: No, me neither.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video