Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: dreambox95
[Bruce and Dave are standing against a bar, talking. Both speak in suave, film noirish voice the whole time.]
- Bruce- guy
- Dave- guy
- Woman- bartender
Dave: ...she got angry, threw a drink and left.
Bruce: My god, you must've been covered in alcohol.
Dave: Truthfully, I was. [leans back to get more of a martini]
Bruce: I love it when women throw drinks.
Dave: I love it when they get drunk.
Bruce: But you forgave her.
Dave: Yes, I had to. You see, she was a woman, and I happen to love all women. In fact that's why she threw the drink.
Bruce: I see, she found your love too interesting, too intense, too...jackhammer.
Dave: No...not specific enough.
Bruce: I see, she was upset that you were loving other women. In her narrow way, she presumed that you were...cheating on her.
Dave: Yes, but wasn't I really only cheating myself?
Bruce: Of course you were. [takes a long sip of his drink]
Dave: I love all women! Is that a crime?
Bruce: Actually in some places it is.
Bruce: But it's not a crime of the heart.
Bruce: You were brave to love her, and her sister. AND the maid.
Dave: We are not pigs.
Bruce: No. We just love women!
Dave: How many?
Bruce: [pauses] All.
Dave: Yes, but how many women have you *loved*? [makes a suggestive punch in the air]
Bruce: Oh, *loved*. I would have to express the women I've *loved* as a percentage of the whole. Oh say forty percent.
Dave: Ooh. Well that is a *lot* of women.
Bruce: They don't understand that the women we've loved is not a number.
Dave: No, but if it were that number would be quite high. [Points up to emphasize]
Bruce: You understand. Sometimes I wish that *you* were a woman.
Dave: Oh, as do I, as do I. Then, I could love myself.
Bruce: If you were a woman, I would love you. And wait for you to throw a drink on me.
Dave: And I would throw one, were I a woman.
Bruce: And if you were a woman, I would deserve it. It is in our very makeup, we cannot change who we are!
Dave: No! To change would mean...to make an effort.
Bruce: We just love women.
[Both throw drinks on each other]
Both: [triumphant] Ah!
[They turn around to face the bartender, refilling their drinks]
Dave: I don't think it's so terribly wrong...
Bruce: No, me neither.