Let Me In!

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura McFarland
[Kevin is Harold. He has been kicked out of his house by his wife, played by Mark. He is outside begging her to let him go inside because it is wet and cold outside.]

Kevin: [knocking on door] Let me in. I wanna be in. [raising tone] Claudia, let me in the house. I'm sorry. [lower] I'm sorry. [lower] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [lightning flashes, he goes back to knocking on the door] Let me innnnnnn! If I'm out all night, I will freeze and die. Will you be happy when you see me frozen and dead?

Mark: Yeessssss.

Kevin: O.K. I see that you understand. So let me innnn!

Mark: Nooo!

Kevin: Alright. That's alright. The house is in my name, I can do what I want. New house rules! New house rules! From now on, the outside of the house is the inside, and the inside of the house is the outside.

Mark: [looking out the door through a glass window] You can't do that!

Kevin: Yes I can, the house is in my name, I can do whatever I want. You're outdoors, baby. Now, if you'll excuse me, [grabs newspaper from mailbox] I'll just retire to the living room, where it is far more comfortable.

[Kevin walks off porch and sits on the stair on the walkway and begins to read the paper that is falling apart]

Mark: Alright Harold. Let me in!

Kevin: [happily] Nooooo.

Mark: Let me in please, you Bastard! Let me in!

Kevin: [happily] Nooooo.

Mark: Let me in Harold! I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL KILL YOU!!!

[Camera backs away from the picture and you see Kevin sitting under a stream of water coming from a rain-maker on a fly bar.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video