Lamp Accident

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Kevin is Barry, outside a pay phone.]

Kevin: I can't believe that Mike is gone. He was my best friend for twenty years. I was his best man when he married Monica. I'm the godfather to their six-year old child, little Donny. God, Monica and little Donny don't even know yet, . . . that Mike is dead . . . killed by a lamp.

Poor, unselfish Mike knew that their living room was one lamp short of being perfect. So, he was gonna go out and buy them the best lamp there ever was. So, we went to that famous store -- Lamp Paradise, where they sell the best ones in the city. After looking around for a half-hour, unhappy, we were about to leave when suddenly Mike glimpsed at the lamp of his dreams --a 200lb baby that was seven feet high . . . a lamp for God.

But, Mike made his last mistake when he asked the clumsy salesman with two fingers missing to reach up and get it for him. Seven seconds later, Mike was dead, smothered by a 200lb lamp. And now I have to call Monica and tell her. [holds up a coin and goes into phone booth.] This is gonna be hard. How do you tell someone that the love of their life is gone? How do you tell someone they have to raise their little six-year old child all by themselves? Oh, God, this is gonna by hard.

Hi Monica! Hi, this is Barry. Hi Monica . . . oh my day was fine. How was yours? Oh, you went shopping. Oh, you bought a bicycle built for two, for you and Mike. Yeah, I think that's romantic. [shielding phone for next word] Irony!

So, Monica, I-I actually have something to tell you, actually. [trying to remain calm] Uh, Monica, well it's-it's about Mike, yeah. It's about Mike. Um, well you see Monica. Um, um, well, uh, you know it goes like this. Uh, you know lamps and Mike. Well, you know, it's-it's kinda like this. [getting worked up] Uh, you see Monica. Well, you know, you know, you know Monica. Uh, well, uh uh uh uh . . . could I speak to little Donny, please?! Could I speak to little Donny? Thank you Monica.

[Looks at audience as if to say, "What could I do?"]

[calmly:] Uh, hi, little Donny? Hi. How ya doin', kid? It's your Uncle Barry. How's it goin', tiger? Good you hear it, good [outburst:] Donny, your Daddy's dead! He's dead, Donny! He's dead! He was hit by a very, very big lamp. Yes, Donny, he's dead. N-n-now, Donny, when you get off the phone you go and tell your mother. Thank you very much, Don. . .

N-now Donny, do you understand what "dead" means? Right. Right. Exactly. Like your goldfish last summer, the one that your mom buried in the back yard. You're never gonna see your Daddy. [about to cry:] I can't believe he's gone! I can't--what? Ye-yeah, Donny, I-I guess you're right: Death *is* a stark inevitability of life. [about to cry again:] I can't believe he's . . .huh? Yeah . . . I guess your father would want us to put on a happy face and go on with our lives . . . I-i-it's just that . . . Good point Donny. Good . . . really? Satres said that? I always thought it was Plato. You know, Donny, you're taking this very well. I mean y-you're a very well read, mature young man.

Actually, I wish my employees at work were more like you. Well, they don't respect me, Donny. No. No. You know, I hear their jokes behind your -- behind my back. And, you know, when I call them? Th--in their offices? They put me on hold for no reason at all. You only get back what you give? Yeah, I've hear that before, Don. Treat them with respect; they'll treat me with respect. That's not bad.

You know, Donny, I'm also having trouble with my parents. Well, they're in their seventies now and I think it's time for them to go to a home. But, they're whining about it. Oh, there's someone on the other line? Yeah, sure, I'll hold. [Kevin taps phone receive to see if he got disconnected.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video