Citizen Kane

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: orteil perdu
[Kevin and Dave are having a conversation in a diner]

Kevin: . . . it was a great movie. It wasn't a good movie, but how often do you see a great movie?

Dave: Oh, I saw a great movie last night. It was on the late show. It was-- um, uh, what was it called? It's a classic. It's uh . . . oh, I hate this. I hate it when this happens.

Kevin: Well, what was it about?

Dave: It's about this newspaper tycoon and he's dead, and everybody is telling stories about him, and--

Kevin: It's Citizen Kane.

Dave: Nnnno, that's not it. No, no - but something like that. It's uh . . .

Kevin: Okay, who was in it?

Dave: Orson Welles is in it. It's called . . .

Kevin: Then this is Citizen Kane. It's Citizen Kane.

Dave: Nnnno, that isn't it, but you're not far from it. It's uh . . .

Kevin: Well who else was in it?

Dave: Oh, um, I dunno.

Kevin: Was Joseph Cotten in it?

Dave: What else has he been in?

Kevin: The Third Man, The Magnificent Ambersons . . .

Dave: Oh, The Magnificent Ambersons. Yes, yes, yes, he was in it, yes. That's one of my favourite Orson Welles movies.

Kevin: Well this is definitely Citizen Kane then. You're talking about Citizen Kane.

Dave: Nnnno, no, no. But it's something like that. It's ci . . . ci, ci . . . Si. Si . . . sy . . .

Kevin: No, not sy. It's ci. Ci, ci.

Dave: Sy . . . sy . . . sy . . .

Kevin: It's ci, Citizen Kane.

Dave: Sy . . . sy . . . Psycho!

Kevin: No it's not Psycho.

Dave: It's Psycho.

Kevin: No, no, no, no, it's not Psycho. Is it about a motel owner who goes crazy and kills a woman in a shower?

Dave: No, no. I just told you it's about this newspaper tycoon, he has a sled called Rosebud, and they're all trying to--

Kevin: Then I guess it wasn't Psycho, was it?

Dave: No, it wasn't Psycho . . .

Kevin: [painfully] It was Citizen Kane!

Dave: No, it was an . . . angie, angie, angela-- angels! The Trouble With Angels.

Kevin: No, no, no. It wasn't The Trouble With Angels, no. That's a Hayley Mills vehicle, that's not even close.

Dave: The Front Page!

Kevin: The Front Page is a comedy. Did you laugh once?

Dave: No.

Kevin: Then I guess it wasn't The Front Page, was it?

Dave: Well what the hell was it then?

Kevin: Look, that guy has a newspaper. I'm going to borrow it, read the tv listings, and we'll settle this once and for all.

Dave: [holding him back] Please, I want to remember this myself--

Kevin: Please, I want to settle this-- [The two argue for a second until Kevin pushes Dave back into his chair] Just sit down! [Picks up a steak knife and drives it into Dave's hand, nailing it to the table]

Dave: Oh great. That's really going to help me to think. That's great. You know what? I almost had it. I almost had it but now thanks to you, I've gone blank. Thank you very much.

Kevin: What time was it on last night?

Dave: It was 11:30. We don't need the paper . . . The Paper Chase . . . paper, paper . . . Paperback Hero . . .

Kevin: Okay, what channel?

Dave: It was channel 3. Paper. Paper . . . paper . . .

Kevin: Aha!! Look! Citizen Kane. It was Citizen Kane! It was Citizen Kane! IT WAS CITIZEN KANE!! [crumbles up newspaper and triumphantly throws it on the floor]

Dave: . . . okay, big deal. Look, would you take the knife out? Just take the knife out.

Kevin: You admit you're wrong and I'll take the knife out.

Dave: Oh c'mon, grow up! Take the knife out.

Kevin: No, no, no. You never admit you're wrong. When you admit you're wrong, I'll grow up.

Dave: You're being very immature. Would you please just take the knife out?

Kevin: Why don't you admit you're wrong? You never admit you're wrong.

Dave: You're making a fool of yourself in front of everyone, alright? Would you please take the knife out? Take the damn knife out! [Kevin finally complies. Dave clutches his wounded hand] Ow! Oh geez. Listen, um, would you mind just calling me a-- uh . . . oh, what are they called? A uh . . .

Kevin: An ambulance?

Dave: No. No, I want a uh . . . a um . . .

Kevin: Do you want two guys in a van to come take care of your hand and bring you to a hospital?

Dave: Yes. Exactly, yes.

Kevin: Then you want an ambulance.

Dave: No I don't! I want a . . . uh . . .

Kevin: It's an ambulance.

Dave: No it isn't!

Kevin: You want an ambulance.

Dave: Sh!

Kevin: It's an ambulance.

Dave: Sh!

Kevin: You want an ambulance,

Dave: Sh!

Kevin: It's an ambulance.

Dave: Sh!

Kevin: You want an ambulance.

Dave: It's a . . . uh . . .

Kevin: No, you know what you want? [picks up his steak knife and drives it repeatedly into Dave's chest] You want a mortician! You want a mortician! You want a mortician! YOU WANT A MORTICIAN!! [slumps Dave's dead body over the table] This one is on me. Check please!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video