Surprise Party

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[An office, with Dave, Kevin, Scott, and Bruce at desks working. Mark enters as Nina, with a box and some balloons.]

Mark: [to Dave] Hi, um, are you Mr. Gottlieb?

Bruce: No, I'm Mr. Gottlieb.

Mark: Oh, hi Mr. Gottlieb, I'm Nina from Joymakers.

Bruce: Hello, Nina.

Mark: How are you?

Bruce: Fine, fine, thank you very much.

Mark: [to all] Hi, hello everyone, hi, Nina from Joymakers. [all stand and gather around] So, I understand we're organizing a little surprise party for one of our coworkers here today.

Scott: Yeah.

Kevin: That's true.

Mark: Super! So, um...first thing's first, did we remember a card?

[All 4 simultaneously pull out business cards and offer them to Nina.]

Mark: Oh, um, no, not a business card, not a business card, no, a birthday card.

[All 4 put away their business cards, looking at each other with puzzled expressions.]

Mark: That's okay, that's okay, it's often overlooked, that's why I always bring an extra. I brought this one today [pulls out a birthday card], it's sort of a funny card, as you can see.

[All 4 look at and read the card, then look at each other with the same confused expression.]

Mark: Well, I think it's funny. Maybe he will. Anyway, where does the, uh, victim nest? Where does our, uh-

Kevin: He sits over there.

[All 4 gesture towards a desk.]

Mark: Is that it? Okay, we'll just set that up over here [putting down the box, card, and balloons], and- ooh! That reminds me- yeah, yeah, do you know in a surprise party, what the most important part is?

[All 4 look puzzled.]

Mark: The surprise!

All 4: Oh, oh.

Mark: Okay? Okay, let's all do that together, 1, 2, 3-

Dave, Scott & Bruce: [with no enthusiasm] Surprise.

Kevin: [stammering] I can't, ee, ooh, um, he trusts me basically, he trusts me, I can't, I'm trying Nina, I-

Mark: Oh, okay, why don't we try, just stand in the back here [repositions Kevin in the back] and, um, we'll just, uh, work it, uh-

Kevin: [to Dave, throwing his hands in the air, with a very high-pitched voice] Surprise!

[Dave pats Kevin on the shoulder, and Dave, Scott, and Bruce chuckle.]

Kevin [to Bruce and Scott] Surprise!

Mark: Why don't we try doing that together, okay? On 3, alright? 1-

Kevin: Surprise!

[The other three chuckle.]

Mark: No, Louis, on 3 [holding up three fingers], 3, okay? On 1-

Kevin: Surprise!

Bruce: I think he's going a little early, Nina.

Mark: Oh, thank you Mr. Gottlieb, okay. Um, alright, on 3, a little more volume, just, y'know, push it. Okay, 1, 2, 3.

All 4: Surprise.

Mark: That's nice. Um, but we don't want to spoil it for the birthday boy who might be, is supposed to be here any second now. Does anyone know where the birthday boy actually is? Because, you know [looks behind her], we should probably, um-

[Dave raises his hand. Mark turns, and Kevin points at Dave.]

Kevin: Surprise! Todd's 34 today, congratulations Todd [shakes Dave's hand].

Mark: Um, gentlemen, don't you think that we've, you know, spoiled the surprise a little?

Scott: How so?

Mark: Well, I mean, uh, this man's, uh-

Bruce: Aren't you, uh, Nina from Joymakers?

Scott: Yeah.

Kevin: You said you were earlier.

Mark: Oh, okay, I can work with this, fine, fine, we'll do the surprise anyway, fine, yeah, sure, come on.

[Mark grabs Dave by the arm and pulls him until he is outside the door.]

Mark: No, come on Todd, it'll be fun, no, no, no, no, we're gonna do the surprise anyway.

[The phone rings. Mark turns to see Scott going towards the phone.]

Mark: Oh, Danny, Danny!

Scott: [answering the phone] A. T. & Love.

Mark: Excuse me, Danny, could we stay off the phone? If you don't, if you don't mind, I mean, you gentlemen can spend the whole party on the phone if you want to, but-

[Bruce and Kevin go to their desks and pick up their phones.]

Mark: No, please, put down the phones! Please, can we put down the phones, please?

Scott: [calling to Dave, out in the hall] Todd, it's for you.

Mark: No, please don't call him in-

[Dave enters.]

Kevin: Surprise!

Mark: No, not yet-

Scott: I'll take a message - your wife can't make the party.

Mark: I'm sorry, Todd [pushing him back out of the room], I'm sorry.

[The other 3 hang up their phones and assemble back in the middle of the room.]

Mark: I'm sorry. Um [closing the door], Danny, Danny?

Scott: Uh-huh? Yeah, what?

Mark: I think it would be, um, maybe a little bit better if you let me organize things, okay?

Scott: Sure.

Mark: Okay.

Scott: Sure.

Mark: Alright, so, let's give the man his surprise, shall we? Okay? Let's make it big, though.

All 3: Okay.

Mark: Alright, 1, 2, 3- [opens the door, Dave enters] Surprise!

[Dave looks at the other 3, confused.]

Mark: Okay, let's take that again, just one more time, give it another shot [pushing Dave back out of the room], come on. Stay there, stay right there [closes the door]. Um, gentlemen, I- I felt a little lonely there.

Bruce: It- it just didn't feel right, Nina.

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: Okay, y- sure, I understand, well it'll feel all the better the next time, won't it?

Scott: Right, yeah.

Mark: Oh, y'know, speaking of which, y'know, Todd is probably onto us right now, I mean, he's seen us do the surprise thing and muff it twice, he's no dummy, he knows what's coming, am I right? So, let's try and have huge fun with it, okay?

[Scott moves to crouch down behind a desk.]

Mark: Wha- oh, hide, yes, that's a great idea! Yes, yes, go crazy, that's it, have fun, have fun!

[All three crouch down behind their desks.]

Mark: Have fun, have fun, that's the most important thing, have fun. Oh, that's good, alright, ready?

[Mark opens the door, and Dave enters.]

Bruce: Surprise!

[Bruce jumps onto Dave's back, and the others come out and start kicking and hitting Dave.]

Bruce: You bastard, get him, get him!

Scott: Get him!

Mark: No! [pulls Kevin away from Dave] No! Get back! [pushes Scott away] No!

[Dave stumbles towards the door, with Bruce still clinging to his back.]

Mark: Off of him!

[Mark rushes to pull Bruce off of Dave. Dave keeps going down the hall, as Kevin and Scott giggle.]

Bruce: You shoulda seen the look on his face- [making a punching gesture] um!

[Mark slaps Bruce.]

Mark: Gentlemen, I- I don't think that's any way to treat a coworker, alright? [pokes his head out the door] Todd, honey? [turns back to the others] Well, he's gone.

[Scott goes to the window and looks out.]

Scott: He's driving away, Nina.

Mark: Okay, everyone to the window. We'll sing him "Happy Birthday." Come on!

[All move to the window and look out.]

Mark: Come on, hurry up! Alright, sing, "Happy Birthday."

Bruce, Scott & Kevin: [singing] For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow-

Mark: Okay, stop- just wave, just wave.

[All 4 wave out the window.]

Mark: Happy birthday, Todd, looks, he's waving, wave.

[All stop waving as Todd drives away.]

Scott: Well, that was fun, huh?

[They back away from the window, with Nina moving toward the door.]

Bruce: That was good fun.

Scott: Good, clean fun.

Kevin: [noticing Nina, standing alone, staring off into space looking distracted and sad] What's wrong, Nina?

Mark: Oh, I don't know, I- I just can't help wondering about Tony, wondering where he is, who he's with, what he's thinking, is he thinking of me...

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video