Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
[Scott and Bruce are sitting back to back at their respective desks working]
- Scott- Cathy
- Bruce- Kathie
- David- Howard
- Mark- Tanya
- Kevin- Un-named secretary
Scott: Oh, Kathie, you there?
Scott: Oh God, Wednesdays, uh?
Bruce: Oh, yeah, I hate 'em.
Scott: Oh, I lothe them. Oh God Wednesdays. I hate Wednesdays. You know what part I hate the most about Wednesdays? Three to four p.m.
Bruce: Oh, I know. I know that's when I'm gonna die.
Bruce: I just know it.
Scott: It's the worst. Well back to that four-letter word...
Bruce and Scott together: Work!
[Dave walks by from stage left to right and heads toward the file cabinet in front of Bruce's desk]
Bruce: Hi, new guy.
Dave: Oh, hi.
[they each repeat "Hi"s over one another]
Dave: It's a...It's Howard, actually.
[more repeating of "Hi"s and "Hi Howard"s]
Scott: Howard? Hi, Howard. I'm Cathy.
Bruce: And I'm Kathie.
Dave: Oh. [smiling] I'll try to remember that although I'm not really very good at names.
[Bruce starts to giggle. He accidentally rests his elbows on the typewriter keys. Scott nudges him as if to say "Stop that"]
Bruce: Well, um, welcome abloard. [giggles] Talk much Kathie? I mean, welcome a-aboard.
Scott: Yeah, welcome aboard.
Dave: Oh, well, thanks very much. I'll see you later.
[Scott and Bruce turn towards each other]
Bruce and Scott together: [making gester with hands] Is he?
Bruce: I don't know. I just don't know.
Scott: I don't know either.
Bruce: Well, he's been here three hours and he hasn't mentioned a girlfriend, yet.
Scott: Oh, I know. Well, I have my suspicions. But, you know me. I suspect most men until they prove it to me.
Bruce: [puts his hand over his mouth as if shocked and starts to giggle] I can't believe you said that.
Scott: Well, I suspect some even after.
Bruce: [giggling] or during! [more giggling]
Scott: Kathie! Kathie Lassiter! I can't believe you! It's not even Friday.
Bruce: I'm so full of beans today.
Scott: Oh, yeah, geez.
[Turn back to got to work]
Bruce: [turning back towards Scott] I don't think he is.
Scott: [now facing Bruce again] You don't?
Bruce: But, then again, I don't know any.
Scott: Oh, come on! You don't know anyway?
Scott: You've never known one?
Bruce: No...oh there was this one guy, in high school, who I thought was, but it turned out he was just a genious.
Scott: Oh, yeah, that's always the way.
Scott: Of course, there's Grayson in the mail-room. But, then, that's old news--everyone knows that.
Bruce: Oh, no. No, Grayson isn't.
Scott: He's not?
Bruce: No he explained it to me one day at a long liquid lunch. He just sleeps...let me get this straight...with men now and then to prove to himself he doesn't like it.
Scott: Oh, I see. So he's more like a sexual scientist.
Bruce: [nudging Scott on leg as if to say "you understand"] Yes.
Scott: What about his boyfriend? Huh?
Bruce: Smokescreen. His boyfriend is a smokescreen for his heterosexuality. He says it's reversed now-a-days.
Scott: Oh, Kathie, get with it. All the best ones are either married or gay.
Bruce: Sometimes both.
Scott: Oh God. Here he comes--let's find out for sure. Hi, Howard.
[Dave comes on stage on the side of Bruce's desk and heads for the filing cabinet with a file in his hand]
Dave: Wrong one.
Bruce: [giggling] wrong one [more giggling]
[Scott nudges Bruce again in order to make him stop making a fool of himself]
Bruce: All those files.
Dave: Yeah, there's a lot of them.
Scott: Yeah. Howard? We were having a hard time trying to figure out what to have for lunch.
Scott: Yeah, and we were just wondering if you could help us.
Dave: Oh. Sure.
Scott: Okay, do you think we should have the steak or the asparagus and pasta salad?
Dave: [mulls it over] Uh, gee, I guess you could have a bit of both.
[Scott and Bruce look toward each other alarmed, suspicious and confused]
Bruce: And, then, what should we have to drink?
Dave: Oh, I dunno. A beer...
[Scott and Bruce shake their heads in certainty to each other]
Dave: ...Or a...a glass of white wine is nice, I find.
[Scott and Bruce look toward each other with the same look of alarm, suspicion and confusion]
Dave: Oh, you're welcome.
Bruce and Scott together: Heee'sss biii.
Scott: Oh God, worst case scenario.
Bruce: No, he can't be. He's just too good-looking. I won't admit that. No, no, no.
Scott: [interupting Bruce's "no"s] Kathie. Kathie. Look at me. The proof is in the pasta.
[Mark leans over the cubicle on Scott's side]
Mark: Well? Is he?
[Kevin leans over cubicle on Bruce's side]
Kevin: We have to know.
Scott: We don't know yet.
Bruce: We're not sure.
Scott: Give us time.
Bruce: Yeah, give us time.
Kevin: Well, how much time do you need?
Scott: I dunno.
Bruce: I dunno.
[phone rings. Scott, Mark, and Kevin continue to undistinguishably babble. Bruce picks up the phone]
Bruce: Hello? Shh...[to Scott, Mark and Kevin who quiet]...shh! Miss Robson?
Bruce: We don't know yet! Just hold. [puts her on hold] She's breathing down our necks!
[undistinguishable babble starts up again for a few seconds, until Dave walks back on stage, on Bruce's side]
Bruce: Look at his finger and if there's a.....[notices Dave and stops]
[All are silent]
Scott: Well, that's it for the coffee fund meeting.
Dave: Uh, no. No, I'm not gay.
[Bruce giggles again, but softly]
[All look uninterested at the news]
Scott: Oh, so? Who cares?
[All laugh to re-affirm Scott]
[Babbling starts up again, Dave starts to leave by walking in front of the desks from stage right to left]
Dave: Just for the record.
[Dave leaves frame]
[All throw up their hands]