John Becomes an Indian Woman

Transcribed from: Z-TV (Sweden)
Transcribed by: Susanna Stridh
Cast- [We see a nicely decorated living-room where Dave is standing, shouting to Scott who is upstairs.]

Dave: John, you are going!

Scott: No I'm not!

Dave: They are your great aunts, and they need a fourth for bridge!

Scott: I don't care!

Dave: John they look SO forward to your visit and they have not seen you for a week! A WEEK John, do you know what that means to a woman in her 80's?!

Scott: Mom I'm sorry, but I've already made plans! You should have asked me first!

Dave: I can't hear you John!

Scott: I'm not going!

Dave: I can't hear you John!

Scott: I'm not going!

Dave: I'm deaf John!

Scott: I'm not going!

Dave: You've made your mother deaf, I hope you're happy!

Scott: I'm not going!

[Dave sits down on the sofa. The doorbell rings.]

Dave: Oh lord!

[Dave gets up and opens the door, outside stands Lachmi.]

Dave: Hello.

Lachmi: [in an "Indian" accent] Hello. Is John home?

Dave: Yes.

Lachmi: May I speak to him?

Dave: He's not feeling well, maybe you should come back some other time.

[Dave motions to close the door.]

Scott: Ma, is that for me?!

Dave: [to Scott] Ye-es! [To Lachmi] Teenagers, they bounce back so quickly!

[Dave reopens the door.]

Lachmi: Yes I know, I have three of my own!

Dave: [sarcasticly] Oh do you?

[Scott enters, dressed in a "sari" made out of sheets. Dave looks Scott up and down, clearly in disapproval of the way he is dressed.]

Scott: [to Lachmi] Lachmi, hi! Come on in! Great! [To Dave] What? Oh Lachmi, this is my mom. Mom, I'd like you to meet Lachmi.

Lachmi: So nice to meet you Mrs MacAbee!

Dave: Pleased to meet you. . .too. [Dave "shakes" Lachmi's hand absently, hardly looking at Lachmi.] Now John, what-what are you. . .what is this, I mean is this your idea of making the bed John?

Scott: Mom, I'll replace the sheets.

Dave: Well that's hardly the point John?

Scott: We better get a move on eh? If we're gonna get the best deal on those betel-nuts.

Lachmi: Oh yes! Parbatee will be at the market today, and she's RUTHLESS when there's a bargain to make!

Dave: Parbatee. . .? John, can I talk to you for just a second? Just a moment John?

Scott: No I'd love to stop and chat, but I'm in a big hurry ok? Don't worry I'll be back as soon as the market closes, ok?

Dave: Well that's fine.

Lachmi: Nice to meet you Mrs MacAbee.

Dave: Well, a pleasure.

Scott: Ok, we're off.

Dave: Bye bye.

Scott: Oh mom, by the way, I'm becoming an Indian woman. See ya'!

Dave: What to do, what to do? Oh! [He faints and falls down on the floor.]

[Cut to an Indian market, Indian music is heard in the background. Lachmi buys betel-nuts while Scott is watching her with a fascinated look on his face, taking it all in. Scott buys himself a pair of sandals and a real sari, to wear instead of the sheets. Scott and Lachmi goes to an Indian café to have coffee with some other Indian ladies, an Indian guy comes up to Scott whispering something in Scott's ear and it's understood that the guy has tried to hit on Scott. Lachmi starts to yell at the guy in Urdu - or some other Indian language - and ushers him away. Next we see Scott and Lachmi setting free some cows from a farm, the farmer runs after them in a rage trying to get his cows back. Cut to the same living-room as earlier, but now we see Haji talking to Dave and Mark who are sitting together on the sofa.]

Haji: [to Mark] So you see sir, now that your daughter has finally become an Indian woman, she's at last eligible for marriage, and with your kind permission I would like to marry her.

[Dave and Mark exchange looks, clearly showing what an absurd situation they consider themselves being in.]

Dave: Well well well. . .

[Scott enters the living-room through the front door.]

Scott: Haji!

Haji: Johnny!

Scott: Aaah!

[Scott and Haji hug eachother.]

Haji: I've made my proposal!

Scott: Really?! Oh god! Well, isn't he great?!

Dave: John [stands up and goes behind the sofa], your father. . .has something that he would like to say to you. Isn't that right Tom? Huh Tom, isn't that true? [Dave shakes Mark's shoulder, urging him to speak up.]

Scott: What father?

Mark: [looks at his watch]: Oh, would you look at the time? I tell you what Haji, why don't you go back to your fine dusky people and leave Johnny here with us?

Dave: Oh, there's an idea!

Mark: Is that a good idea or what?

Dave: What a good idea!

Scott: [to Mark and Dave]: Hold it! [To Haji]: Haji I'm sorry, I'm sorry for their boorish behaviour! It's only bound to get uglier! Why don't you go home and wait for me and I'll call you later, ok? I apologize for their pigishness. [Scott puts his arm around Haji and leads him out through the front door, closes the door and turns to Dave and Mark.]: Ok, what's up your butt?

Dave: Ok John, we all know what's happening here, you're REBELLING.

Scott: No I'm not rebelling.

Dave: And that's FINE, rebel John! But couldn't you rebel like your friend Bob Burkhart? He's got himself a LOVELY little drug habit.

Mark: Yeah! That's a great idea! I tell you what son, we smoke a little grass, go outside and play a little touch football. [He gets up and fetches a ball.]

Scott: No, no, no, no, no. . .

Mark: Come on, come along, go for six, come on make me proud, come on kid, here we go, here we go, go on. . .[He throws the ball at Scott, who refuses to catch it. The ball hits the door behind Scott.]

Dave: Have an EYE son!

Mark: That was a catchable ball!

Scott: I don't even play football!!!

Mark: Who are you?! Huh?! What is this, what is with that dot?! [He points angrily at Scott's forehead.] That's what I wanna know!

Scott: It's my third eye. It's to see inside myself.

Mark: Well in this family if you wanna see inside yourself you get a freaking X-RAY, do you understand?!

[They all sit on the sofa.]

Scott: Mom and dad, ever since I was young, I've always known one thing; I like wearing sheets. Becoming an Indian woman seemed the obvious solution. You're not listening to me!

Dave: I can't hear you I'm deaf!

Scott: Oooh!

Mark: And I can't hear you 'cause I'm DEAD!

Dave: Killed your dad, killed him dead!

Mark: That's right!

Scott: Dad! Dad you're not dead!

Mark: I am too! I might look okey now, but once the chock wears off, I'm a dead man.

Scott: You're not dead!

Mark: Oh, ah [holds up his finger in the air], I'm dead! [His head falls back.]

Dave: [holding Mark's arm as if he's checking Mark's pulse] Well there's no pulse and since your dad's not a YOGI, I assume that means he's dead. I'm sorry to be so emotional son, but it's just that I think he was a good man and he deserved better.

Scott: Ma, I'm a hindu now, and this may be small consolation but I know, that dad will return in the next life, to get even.

[Scott and Dave put their hands together and lay them on Mark's chest. Next we see a photo of Scott and Haji holding their baby, the baby has the face of Mark. The skit ends.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video