Hey Man

Transcribed from: DVD (Season One)
Transcribed by: Laura B. Loftin

Hey Man 1


(Scene opens in black and white. Dave is walking past a building in a suit, with a briefcase and reading a newspaper. The camera pans to a 50's car with a bunch of hoods around it)

Scott: Hey. Hey, man, where you going?

(There is a chorus of "Hey" and "Hey Man" from all the hoods)

Kevin: Hey man you going to work? You going to the office, Man?

Scott: Hey, hey. What's the big rush here man?

(Dave tries to pass but they block his way, all while harassing him)

Scott: Come on.

(There is more chorus of "Hey man, what's up man?" and "Hey, what's the big hurry?" Mark laughs and tries to block his way. More chorus of "Come on, hey" and "Hey, you in a hurry?" Hoods continue to harass him as he walks away)

Dave: Just keep cool. Ignore them. They're just trying to get a reaction. Keep your dignity.

(Scene cuts to Dave in his office, the phone rings and he answers it)

Dave: (pause) Thank you.

(Hoods enter his office, stand behind his desk and mockingly admire his office)

Mark: Wow! I'm impressed.

(Chorus of "Ooh!" and "Yeah!")

Scott: Yes, sir!

Mark: Very nice place you got here.

Kevin: Nice Desk.

Scott: Hey, is that a pencil you're pushing, man?

(A man walks into the office carrying papers)

(Chorus of "Ooh!")

Kevin: Hey, who's this? The office donkey?

(The hoods laugh)

Kevin: Bet you get tired of being a donkey, huh?

Dave: Just -- Just ignore them. Just ignore them. They want you to get upset. Everything's fine here.

Mark: Whoa -- I'll take that! (He takes the papers from the man)

Kevin: You can leave now, donkey.

Scott: Don't you worry. Relax.

Bruce: See ya, donkey.

Kevin: Okay, let me see this.

(Papers fall to the floor)

Scott: Whoa, hey hey! Oh, there goes his plans for the new mall.

(Kevin hits Dave on the back and spills his coffee)

Scott: Watch that!

(Hoods keep harassing him)

(End of Scene)

Hey Man 2


(Scene opens to Dave cutting roast beef at his dining table, with his wife, his son and his daughter)

Dave: Good looking roast, huh, kids?

(Dave puts a slice on a plate)

Dave: (Grunts) Okay. All right, Lisa, why don't you pass this down to your mother? Thank you.

(The girl passes the plate to her mother. We hear a chorus of "Mmm" and "Ooh-Ooh-Ooh!" from off-camera, and then the camera cuts to the hoods standing behind the mother.)

Mark: Big man's got a knife!

Kevin: Nice Knife.

Scott: Hey, you gonna use it, huh?

(Bruce takes out a switch blade)

Bruce: Gonna cut us with your knife, man?

(Chorus of "Ooh!" and "Yeah!)

Dave: (To his family) Just ignore them. They're as frightened as we are.

Bruce: (Leaning over Dave´s son) Is this your kid? This your kid?

(Hoods pick at food, and continue to harass the family)

Kevin: Nice food! Nice Vegetables!

Bruce: All Right!

(Scene ends)

Hey Man 3


(Scene opens in color. With Dave dead, lying in a casket at his funeral. An organ plays in the background. His family stands around sobbing. We hear laughing off screen and the family looks horrified and moves away. The hoods appear, except they're all old, with gray hair)

Mark: Hey, man, looks like you died.

Kevin: (Pushing the body) Only a loser dies of natural causes.

Scott: Think you're cool 'cause you're dead? Huh, dead boy?

(Mark kisses a white flower, then throws it in the coffin)

Scott: We've been dogging you for 30 years.

Bruce: That's right.

Mark: (Sounding close to tears) Hey, man, what did go and die for, anyway?

Bruce: We had fuller lives around you!

Mark: I don't recall instructing you to die, huh?

Scott: Get up! Why don't you get up, huh?

(Scene ends)

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video