Headcrusher: Nobody's Home

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: JZ3NIF@aol.com
Cast- [In a messy apartment]

Mark: [walking fingers] Oh, what has happened to my world? It's terrible I hate it. [coughs] All the pollution. The mess. [steps in chips] Oh, gross! Oh, I hate my world. [kicks a voodoo doll] Hey, hey buddy. Oh my god, he's dead! Dead! Oh, the misery of finger existence! To jump, or not to be, that is the question.

[someone knocks on door]

Mark: Right in the middle of the 2nd act. Wouldn't you know? [crushes head of a bust of Beethoven and answers the door] Good morning, Misha. What the hell do you want?

Kevin: [sad] I don't have enough money to pay for this cab.

Mark: No. Not this again.

Kevin: [happy] I don't have enough money to pay for this cab.

Mark: Sit, sit, sit, sit. Continuing with Act 2. [finger] Oh, you seem so said my friend. Why do---

Kevin: [as a finger, angry] I don't have enough money to pay for this cab!

Mark: All right! That's it! I'm fed up with you. I invite you into my house to put on a play for you and you interrupt me? I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head. Happily I crush your head. Get out of my household. Take it and get outta town!

Kevin: [puts thumb up] There is nobody...home.

Mark: What?

Kevin: There's nobody home!

Mark: What do you mean there's nobody home? I'm home. I'm sitting in it.

Kevin: There is nobody home.

Mark: What are you doing with your thumb? [He avoids thumb.] Stop that! You're making me angry. Stop it, stop it! Oh, I see. [puts thumb up] There's nobody home.

Kevin: There's nobody home.

Mark: There's nobody home!

Kevin: Nobody home!

Mark: I flatten you out. I flatten you out.

[Horn honks outside]

Mark: Stay there. What is it?

Scott: I want to talk to the lady that went inside.

Mark: Why?

Scott: She didn't pay me.

Mark: So what do you want me to do about it, Mr. Guy?

Scott: I want my money. Right mom? [shows mom in cab]

Mark: All right, I'll go look. I'm looking...I'm looking..I'm looking around...I'm checking really hard!!! But it looks like there's nobody home!

Kevin: Nobody home.

Mark: So get lost.

Scott: I'm gonna call the cops!

Mark: Lemme talk to you mom. Maam? I'm crushing your head! And here's one for you. Crush, crush.

Scott: We're gonna come back.

Mark: Crush, crush. Oh, suck on it, you ugly flat-headed mama's boy. I'm flinging my fingers cause I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your cab!! [goes back inside, and blows his fingers like a gun just gone off] Now, where were we? Oh, yes! As I recall, there was nobody home!

Kevin: Nobody home!

Mark: That's right. You know...if we stay like this for a month, we live here rent free!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video