Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison
[Setting: A House in suburbia]
- Dave- Susan
- Scott- Tony
- Kevin- Susan's Mom
- Mark- Susan's Dad
[We open on a front porch. Scott and Dave enter, moving to the front door. Dave is costumed as an attractive, red-haired woman. Scott is costumed as a handsome young black man.]
Dave: Now, Tony... I don't want you to be upset if my parents can't handle the... the color thing.
Dave: They're bourgeoisie. It's the way they were raised and they can't help themselves.
Scott: Hey, Hey... Susan, relax. I've met a lot of bigots in my day. They can't be that bad.
Dave: Well, you've never met my parents.
Scott: Come on...
Dave: I'm just warning you. But if it does come to a choice, I love you and I choose you.
Dave: You're okay?
[The two kiss and Dave opens the door. We see Kevin (Mom) and Mark (Dad) sitting down]
Mark: Finally! You're here! [turns to Kevin as they both stand] Doesn't it look like college is treating our baby well?
[Mark moves forward and kisses Dave on the cheek]
Dave: [embarassed] Dad....
Mark: So... this must be Tony.
Mark: [putting forth a hand] Pleased to meet you, sir.
Scott: [shaking the hand] Likewise, Mr. Carswell.
Kevin: We've heard a lot about you, Tony.
Scott: Oh? All good, I hope.
Kevin: Well, I'll let you in on a little secret.
[Everyone laughs except Dave, who forces a smile.]
Kevin: So the bus ride was okay, dear?
Dave: [testily] Yes mother. The bus ride was fine. We sat at the front!
[There is a slight pause]
Kevin: So it wasn't crowded then?
Scott: No. Fine.
Mark: [suddenly] Oh... sorry. Speaking of sitting, why don't we sit down?
[Everyone says something agreeing to that and sits down. Dave and Scott sit on a couch. Kevin and Mark each take a chair]
Scott: [looking around room] Wow! Mr. Carswell, this is a lovely place you have here.
Mark: Oh, well thank you very much.
Kevin: As a matter of fact, we've just done some renovations.
Kevin: But I'm sure Barry will tell you all about that after dinner. [laughs] He does go on.
[Scott and Kevin laugh as Mark smiles sheepishly]
Kevin: [reaching over to touch Mark's knee playfully] It's true.
Scott: Mr. Carswell? I know exactly how you feel. See, I tinker around with vintage cars, myself.
Mark: Oh, you tinker?
Dave: [testily] Dad. It's not JUST tinkering.
Mark: Oh, of course not.
Kevin: Do you like punch, Tony?
Scott: Oh, I love it.
Mark: Well, let's go punch swimming then, eh?
[Kevin and Mark get up and start to move to the kitchen]
Kevin: Last one in! [laughs]
Scott: You guys need any help in there?
Mark: Oh no... you two lovebirds...
[Mark and Kevin exit]
Dave: I am so, so, sorry Tony. [pulls a cigarette out of her purse] They are being so condescending I don't know how you can stand it.
Scott: I think they're really nice.
Dave: Oh come on, Tony. It's me. Susan. You don't have to pretend.
[Mark enters, standing in doorway]
Mark: Watch out you two lovebirds... we're coming in.
Scott: [playing along and making a scared face] Okay.
[Mark and Kevin enter, Kevin holding a tray with a pitcher of punch and some glasses]
Mark: [noticing Dave and his cigarette] Susan... still smoking?
Dave: Yes, Dad. You've driven me to it, thank you very much [to herself] When will this nightmare end?
Mark: You know, Tony...
Mark: While Mom and I were in the kitchen just now, we thought that in order to make you feel... well, a little more welcome in our home that we'd invite you to sit in my chair.
Scott: Oh wow! What an honor!
Kevin: Susan's never even sat there before.
Scott: Okay.. geez.. this is great. [sits] Oh....This is a lovely chair, sir. Thanks for breaking it in, for me.
[Everyone except Dave laughs]
Mark: Gosh, Tony. I've got to tell you... you're a pleasant change from the usual riff-raff Susan usually brings home.
Dave: Dad! He's not armed!
[There's another awkward pause.]
Kevin: Well, here's some punch, Tony. I hope you like Rice Krispie Squares. They're all I have to offer.
Scott: I love them!
Kevin: Do you really?
Scott: I love them!
Mark: Then you and Mrs. Carswell are going to get along fine. She's a maniac.
Kevin: Please, just help yourself.
Dave: Oh, what mother? Are you going to have him serving us, next?
[There is another awkward pause]
Mark: So, what are you studying up there at college, Tony?
Scott: Well, I started out...
Dave: [interrupting] Dad, he is studying history. He is not SLOW.
Mark: Susan? Relax. Are you all right, dear?
Kevin: Maybe you'd better go lie down, honey...
Dave: [VERY testy at this point] I am fine. I am fine. I just think that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring Tony here to meet you two.
Mark: Oh, no, no ,no. On the contrary, Tony looks like a fine young man.
Kevin: Susan? I don't think I'll ever let your young man go.
Scott: Hey. I don't think I'll ever want to leave. [laughs]
Kevin: You little rascal.
[Everyone laughs but Dave, who jumps up in a huff]
Dave: Mother! That is it! Tony is not an animal. He is a human being and I love him and that is that. We're going to tear down the walls of ignorance that small minds like you have built! Aren't we, Tony?
Scott: Sure, angel.
Kevin: Susan. You have such a lovely speaking voice. You should have been an actress.
Scott: I told her that...
[Everyone except Dave start to talk at once about Dave's voice]
Dave: Mother! Father! You have forced me to choose, and I chosoe Tony. Come Tony. We're leaving!
Scott: But we haven't had dinner yet!
Dave: Fine. Then I guess I'm going alone. You know where you'll find me.
[Dave exists, slamming the door.]
Scott: Harlem? [pauses] Harlem?
Mark: Are you from up by Harlem, Tony?
Scott: No sir. I'm from Woodland Heights.
Mark: Oh. Ever been to Harlem?
Scott: Well, once. But in the daytime.