Kathie/Cathy--Gossip

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: handi@interlog.com
Cast- [Kathie and Cathy are at their desks taking off their shoes]

Scott: Ah! T.B.I.M., huh?

Bruce: T.B.I.M.?

Scott: Too bad it's Monday.

Bruce: Oh, I know. I just hate Mondays.

Scott: Ah, Mondays, I hate 'em.

Bruce: I hate 'em.

Scott: Monday? I don't believe it.

Bruce: I know. I woke up this morning and I said to myself--

Scott: Yeah?

Bruce: Monday. You've got to be kidding.

Scott: (laughs)

Bruce: But it was no joke.

Scott: No, I know.

[Mark walks up to file some things]

Mark: Morning Cathy C. Morning Kathie K.

Scott and Bruce: Morning Tanya.

Mark: Mondays, huh?

Scott and Bruce: Yeah!

[Mark walks away]

Scott and Bruce: Temp! (they both start laughing)

Scott: Kathie, you know how I hate to gossip.

Bruce: And you know how I hate to listen.

Scott: I do!

Bruce: What? What?

Scott: Well, there's gossip, and then there's common knowledge.

Bruce: Well there will be as soon as you tell me.

Scott: Well Kathie, everyone in this office knows that Tanya is sleeping her way to the middle.

Bruce: (gasps) Well, who? What? When? Where? How....many?

Scott: Well, let's look at the facts, shall we? First of all, Mr. Malone from marketing.

Bruce: Ew! Mr. Moustache!

Scott: Yeah!

Bruce: Gross!

Scott: The mind boggles, doesn't it?

Bruce: Ew! (does the tongue thing)

Scott: God. Oh god, all those long lunches, motel room matches, it's obvious.

Bruce: Well maybe I'm just a priss or something, but I think all your ex-lovers should fit on a bus.

Scott: (rolls his eyes) Not that you'd ever want to be on that bus!

Bruce: Oh god no! I bet she's even done the driver. (they both laugh)

Scott: She's got a pack in the-

[Mark walks in to file some more stuff]

Mark: Hey.

Bruce: Hi.

Mark: Work, huh?

Scott and Bruce: Yeah!

[Mark walks away]

Scott and Bruce: Slut! (they both laugh) Temp! (they both laugh more)

Bruce: Well I'm telling you, the crap is going to hit the fan and fly right back in her office.

Scott: Oh Kathie, the writing is on the partition.

Bruce: Yes. And I'm not going to be there. I'm not going to be there to clean it off her peasant skirt.

[Scott gets up to get coffee]

Scott: No no no. Why should you?

Bruce: Why should I?

Scott: Why should you, Kathie?

Bruce: Why should I?

Scott: Why should you? After what she's been saying about you? No way! Uh-uh!

Bruce: (moment of silence while he collects himself) About me?

Scott: Well.... (laughs uncomfortably) I just assumed you knew she was talking about you behind your back.

Bruce: No.... What did she say?

Scott: Well, um, she told a roomful of people that you were fat. Saddle bag thighs.

Bruce: (looks at his thighs and starts rubbing them, doing all he can not to burst out crying) Well, it's better to be healthy....than anorexic!

Scott: Yeah, that's right!

Bruce: (looks at himself again) No! I'm a chunky mutt! (starts crying)

Scott: (runs over) No! Kathie! You're not. You're not. You're just big boned.

Bruce: I don't know. (looks down)

Scott: Kathie. Kathie. Look at me.

Bruce: (shakes his head)

Scott: Look at me.

Bruce: (shakes his head)

Scott: Look at me!

Bruce: (looks at Scott)

Scott: Look over there. Look at her. (Bruce looks to where Scott was pointing) Now look at yourself. (Bruce looks at his thighs) And look at your hair. (Bruce pulls down a piece of his hair over his eyes) Look at your hair.

Bruce: I know I have nice hair.

Scott: No. You have wonderful hair. In your case, your face frames your hair. I mean it.

Bruce: That's so sweet.

Scott: Well I mean it. That's why I said it.

Bruce: That's really nice. (grabs Scott's hand)

Scott: Well you know what? Another thing. Tanya, for a temp, she's got a really bad permanent. (they both laugh)

Bruce: Well maybe she should just shave her head and start again.

Scott: Oh, that's the spirit.

Bruce: Who's this? (pretend to put his fingers down his throat and vomit)

Scott: (laughing) I don't know! I don't know!

Bruce: (pretends to finish and wipe his face) I'm coming!

Scott: Who?

Bruce: Tanya!

Scott: Oh.

Bruce: Right after lunch! (they both laugh hysterically)

Scott: That's good. Feel better?

Bruce: Yeah.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: Thank you.

Scott: Hey, No problem. That's what co-workers are for.

Bruce: Yeah.

Scott: OK?

Bruce: (nods) Yeah.

Scott: Back to work.

Bruce: Yeah.

(They look at their typewriters and scream like they're scared of it)


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video