Transcribed from: Comedy NetworkCast-
Transcribed by: handi@interlog.com[Kathie and Cathy are at their desks taking off their shoes]
- Scott- Cathy
- Bruce- Kathie
- Mark- Tanya
Scott: Ah! T.B.I.M., huh?
Bruce: T.B.I.M.?
Scott: Too bad it's Monday.
Bruce: Oh, I know. I just hate Mondays.
Scott: Ah, Mondays, I hate 'em.
Bruce: I hate 'em.
Scott: Monday? I don't believe it.
Bruce: I know. I woke up this morning and I said to myself--
Scott: Yeah?
Bruce: Monday. You've got to be kidding.
Scott: (laughs)
Bruce: But it was no joke.
Scott: No, I know.
[Mark walks up to file some things]
Mark: Morning Cathy C. Morning Kathie K.
Scott and Bruce: Morning Tanya.
Mark: Mondays, huh?
Scott and Bruce: Yeah!
[Mark walks away]
Scott and Bruce: Temp! (they both start laughing)
Scott: Kathie, you know how I hate to gossip.
Bruce: And you know how I hate to listen.
Scott: I do!
Bruce: What? What?
Scott: Well, there's gossip, and then there's common knowledge.
Bruce: Well there will be as soon as you tell me.
Scott: Well Kathie, everyone in this office knows that Tanya is sleeping her way to the middle.
Bruce: (gasps) Well, who? What? When? Where? How....many?
Scott: Well, let's look at the facts, shall we? First of all, Mr. Malone from marketing.
Bruce: Ew! Mr. Moustache!
Scott: Yeah!
Bruce: Gross!
Scott: The mind boggles, doesn't it?
Bruce: Ew! (does the tongue thing)
Scott: God. Oh god, all those long lunches, motel room matches, it's obvious.
Bruce: Well maybe I'm just a priss or something, but I think all your ex-lovers should fit on a bus.
Scott: (rolls his eyes) Not that you'd ever want to be on that bus!
Bruce: Oh god no! I bet she's even done the driver. (they both laugh)
Scott: She's got a pack in the-
[Mark walks in to file some more stuff]
Mark: Hey.
Bruce: Hi.
Mark: Work, huh?
Scott and Bruce: Yeah!
[Mark walks away]
Scott and Bruce: Slut! (they both laugh) Temp! (they both laugh more)
Bruce: Well I'm telling you, the crap is going to hit the fan and fly right back in her office.
Scott: Oh Kathie, the writing is on the partition.
Bruce: Yes. And I'm not going to be there. I'm not going to be there to clean it off her peasant skirt.
[Scott gets up to get coffee]
Scott: No no no. Why should you?
Bruce: Why should I?
Scott: Why should you, Kathie?
Bruce: Why should I?
Scott: Why should you? After what she's been saying about you? No way! Uh-uh!
Bruce: (moment of silence while he collects himself) About me?
Scott: Well.... (laughs uncomfortably) I just assumed you knew she was talking about you behind your back.
Bruce: No.... What did she say?
Scott: Well, um, she told a roomful of people that you were fat. Saddle bag thighs.
Bruce: (looks at his thighs and starts rubbing them, doing all he can not to burst out crying) Well, it's better to be healthy....than anorexic!
Scott: Yeah, that's right!
Bruce: (looks at himself again) No! I'm a chunky mutt! (starts crying)
Scott: (runs over) No! Kathie! You're not. You're not. You're just big boned.
Bruce: I don't know. (looks down)
Scott: Kathie. Kathie. Look at me.
Bruce: (shakes his head)
Scott: Look at me.
Bruce: (shakes his head)
Scott: Look at me!
Bruce: (looks at Scott)
Scott: Look over there. Look at her. (Bruce looks to where Scott was pointing) Now look at yourself. (Bruce looks at his thighs) And look at your hair. (Bruce pulls down a piece of his hair over his eyes) Look at your hair.
Bruce: I know I have nice hair.
Scott: No. You have wonderful hair. In your case, your face frames your hair. I mean it.
Bruce: That's so sweet.
Scott: Well I mean it. That's why I said it.
Bruce: That's really nice. (grabs Scott's hand)
Scott: Well you know what? Another thing. Tanya, for a temp, she's got a really bad permanent. (they both laugh)
Bruce: Well maybe she should just shave her head and start again.
Scott: Oh, that's the spirit.
Bruce: Who's this? (pretend to put his fingers down his throat and vomit)
Scott: (laughing) I don't know! I don't know!
Bruce: (pretends to finish and wipe his face) I'm coming!
Scott: Who?
Bruce: Tanya!
Scott: Oh.
Bruce: Right after lunch! (they both laugh hysterically)
Scott: That's good. Feel better?
Bruce: Yeah.
Scott: Yeah.
Bruce: Thank you.
Scott: Hey, No problem. That's what co-workers are for.
Bruce: Yeah.
Scott: OK?
Bruce: (nods) Yeah.
Scott: Back to work.
Bruce: Yeah.
(They look at their typewriters and scream like they're scared of it)