Forbidden Love

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [In a classroom. All the kids are batting at each other, messing around, being noisy.]

Dave: Uh class. Uh class. Uh, class, I think we're all gonna, all gonna enjoy--enjoy today's lesson. Uh, because today, we're-we're-we're gonna start to look at the uh, the uh Mesozoic Era. [many of the kids already nod off. Bellini is the only one who looks interested.] And, uh, this is a-a personal favorite of mine. It's my favorite era of the Earth's history; it-it holds a lot of fond memories for me, even, even though I was har-hardly more than a-a boy at the time. [More nod off] Okay, movin' along, uhh, the uh, the Mesozoic Era, or-or-or the-the-the Age of-of Reptiles, as-as it, as it, as it is known, uh w-which lasted about 155 million years followed the uh Paleozoic. [just about all are asleep, Kevin's wiping his eyes to stay awake.] And, uh, and uh during this period of time the Earth began to look pretty much, pretty much the way, the way it does today.

[Kevin raises his hand.]

Dave: [enthusiastically] Ah yes! McKeckney, you've got a question, terrific.

Kevin: [hand still raised] Yes sir. About the Mesozoic Era, would it be fair to say that [falls asleep]

Dave: Ahh, class? Uh? [snaps fingers a few times, no one responds] Class? [Take out and lights a candle. Takes out, and pours wine in glasses. He dims the lights. Then, he lets Scott out of the closet.]

[Scott's dressed like a spy, in dark glasses, long coat, etc. He talks with an accent, Russian or German, maybe.]

Dave: [no more stuttering, speaks more like film noir leading man] Darling!

Scott: Dahling! Zo, how do I look?

Dave: Beautiful. As beautiful as you looked all those years ago in Budapest. Some wine?

Scott: Zank you. Oh, zose were heavy times, we they not? You alluding zuh KGB and me, wiss orders to assassinate you.

Dave: Yes, but you failed to complete that mission, didn't you dear?

Scott: Aw darling, how could I kill zuh only man I've ever really loved?

Dave: How long can you stay?

Scott: Not long. Just a few more stolen moments of our forbidden love.

Dave: Oh, darling! Why don't we run away from the world and be married?

Scott: No! Zhey would never leave us alone.

Dave: Damn them.

Scott: Damn zem aalll!!

Dave: Damn them all, indeed.

Scott: Damn! Them!

Dave: Damn. Why must their Cold War interfere with love! Their Cold War gradually taking away heat and energy from our love, increasing the temperature of their war, while decreasing the temperature of love until the two meet a mean or average temperature, at which point it sorta levels out and--

Scott: Darling! Don't talk to me of thermodynamics, talk to me only of love.

Both: Come to me! [Both out reached their arms, but neither go to the other. Both gesture, waving the other over using their heads. Neither move. Scott drops back his head, and Dave rushes into his embrace.]

Scott: Darling!

[Kevin, whose hand had worked its way down while he slept, now puts it back up.]

Dave: [stuttering] Uh-uh yes, M-M-McKeckney, y-you have a question?

Kevin: Yes sir. If she really loved you, wouldn't she leave her life of intrigue behind and come to live with you in a bungalow?

Dave: Well, I-I--

[Scott points a gun at Kevin.]

Dave: Uh honey.

Scott: No, please, I must kill!

Dave: No no no dear. Let, let, let me, dear. Well McKeckney, that's a very, very, very interesting question, but it's-it's very similar to asking uhh igneous rock to become uh uh a sedimentary rock, which although not impossible would take a very long time and re-require calling into play all the various uh agents of erosion, which we all know are?

[Kevin falls asleep, dropping his head like a rock on the table.]

Scott: You're ztill, you're ztill zuh best. Darling!

[sirens, red lights flashing on the back wall]

Scott: No, zhey found us out. We are undone.

Dave: Quickly, you must run.

Scott: No, I'm tired of running--

Dave: What?

Scott: --in my tooth'z a cyanide capzule, and when I bite down on it I will end it all here in your arms.

Dave: Nooo.

Scott: Yes!!

Dave: No, drop it. Drop it! Bad girl, drop it.

[Dave has locked his hand onto Scott's jaw. After a brief struggle, it becomes evident that Scott has bitten down. He becomes limp and Dave lays him down gently to the floor.]

Scott: Oh darling.

[Bell rings. All the students start to leave.]

Dave: Uh class, um, be sure to-be sure to read the first three chapters of the new text as homework.

[All the students moan.]

Dave: I can make it four, Mr. Bellini! And uh, feel free to read ahead, for tomorrow? You may die.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video