Dave: Fletcher Christian

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Manintowel@aol.com
[Dave is kneeling in a shoeshop, addressing the camera]

Dave: Hi-my name is Fletcher Christian. Oh no, not the famous seagoing Fletcher Christian, but rather the relatively anonymous shoe-selling Fletcher Christian. Come to think of it, our lives differ in many *fairly* major ways. For example, in 1787 Fletcher Christian was made first mate aboard the HMS Bounty, whereas I was not. In point of fact, I had yet to be born. But many years later in February of 1985, I was made assistant manager of Zell's shoes. On December 23, 1787, Fletcher Christian set sail from Spithead to the South Seas to collect breadfruit trees. Me, I don't even know what a breadfruit tree is. Fletcher Christian was loved and admired by all who served with him. Under the tyrranical rule of Captain Bly only Fletcher Christian could dissuade the mutineers, and when the time came only he could lead them. Following the mutiny, Christian and eight crewmen and a number of Tahitian men and women settled on Pitcaren Island, a South Seas paradise where they lived an idyllic life. I, however, am barely tolerated by my coworkers and underlings. And I live alone with a cat. Fletcher Christian, the other one, has been portrayed in three major motion pitctures by three dashing leading men: Clark Gable, Marlon Brando, and Mel Gibson. Jeff Wilco, one of our stock boys, apparently does a rather unflattering impression of me.. on the phone ordering pizza. But on the up- side, violence erupted on Pitcaren Island and Fletcher Christian was brutally murdered. Whereas I have plenty of good years ahead of me.. to sell shoes.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video