What is the Fat Man Doing Across the Road?

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
Cast: [Mark is looking through a telescope; Kevin is on the other side of the room.]

Mark: Oh Reggie. . .

Kevin: Oh yes Lyle?

Mark: Come and see what that fat bastard is doing in his apartment across the road.

[Kevin takes a peek.]

Kevin: That fat disgusting make-me-puke slob.

Mark: How can he do that?

Kevin: I don't know.

[Piano music begins.]

Both: [singing] What is the fat man doing across the road? / Doing across the road? / Oh, doing across the road? / Oh tell me, what is the fat man doing across the road?

Mark: And how can his wife just sit and watch him?

[They march/dance around the kitchen table as they continue singing.]

Both: Why doesn't the fat man turn the lights down low? / Get his ass up off the floor? / And, *go* and mind the store? / Oh tell me, what is the fat man doing across the road? / Hmm? / He's chewing on his toes.

[Mark looks through the telescope again, and we see what he sees.]

Fat Man: [chewing on toes, burps.]

[As Mark continues to sing, Kevin is trying to get passed him to look again.]

Mark: Well he really seems quite happy with his foot stuck in his face.

[Kevin succeeds and steals a quick peek.]

Kevin: I can see him very clearly from where I'm standing in my place.

Mark: We've been watching for one hour.

[Cut to a close up of a frying pan bursting into flames on the stove.]

Both: And our fried eggs are on fire.

[end singing, piano music continues.]

Both: Fire!!

[Both run to the other side of the table--Mark in back, Kevin in front. They run into each other with an exaggerated "Ah!" They run the other direction and do the same thing. As they run back, Mark picks up the fire extinguisher. He sprays it a few times, getting Kevin and then finally the eggs. The skit ends with Kevin running around the table and Mark enjoying the spray.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video