If Elvis Were My Landlord

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: orteil_perdu@hotmail.com
Cast: [Bruce, Scott, Dave and Mark are dancing Peanuts-style in a tiny apartment to "Linus and Lucy" as played by Shadowy Men. A neighbour keeps banging on the door, yelling for them to shut up. Bruce stops the record.]

Bruce: Sorry guys. The party's over. [The three kids cheerfully skip out the door.] That wouldn't happen if Elvis were my landlord. I have reason to believe that if Elvis were my landlord, my life would be a lot better than it is right now. People would come over here and say, "Hey, great place you got here Bruce, got any vacancies?" I'd say, "Ask the King - he's over there hosin' the gunk off of somethin'. He's always working." If Elvis were my landlord, we'd say stuff in the halls like, "42 tenants can't be wrong." Gee, I could go to his house any time and borrow a cup of sideburns, if Elvis were the man.

Kevin: [by the back door, with garbage bags] Hi. How ya doin? Well I just wanted to tell you to tie up your garbage bags before you put them down the chute. It makes my job that much easier. Thank you very much.

Bruce: If Elvis were my landlord, it would be a thrill. Life would roust about and not stand still. We'd eat bargain Cheesies, not perscription pills, if that sharecropper's son handed me my phone bill, if Elvis swept my halls.

Kevin: [In the basement, with a broom] What do you mean, you paid your rent to an Elvis landlord impersonator? Remember what I told you: only fools rush in. Thank you very much.

Bruce: If Elvis were my landlord, he could come over any time. I'd say, "Sit down King, take a load off your scarf. Have some decaf tea or plan your comeback quietly. Cause if Elvis held my extra key, he could come right up to 403. I'd say, "Hi, my friends and I were jus-"

[Enter Elvis, with plunger]

Kevin: Hi.

Bruce: Elvis!

Kevin: I just came up to fix your tub. A tub is like your voice, you don't work on the pipes, the pipes get rusty. Yessiree. [Walks to the bathroom, hacking]

Bruce: Elvis, j'a wanna watch tv later? CHiPS is on - I know it's your favourite.

Kevin: Actually, I don't feel so good. [Closes the door. A flush is heard]

Bruce: Elvis?

Dave V.O.: Elvis has left the building!

Bruce: Elvis?

Dave V.O.: Elvis has left the building!

Bruce: [yelling out the window] I have your rent cheque, Elvis! I won't give it to the Dave Clark Five. Elvis? Elvis?!

Dave V.O.: Elvis has left the building!

Bruce: Elvis!!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video