Editors

Transcribed from: DVD (Season One)
Transcribed by: Kim H. (kalipso15@yahoo.com)

Editors 1

[Camera slowly moves in on an office door. It says "William & Wonter, Editors" on the glass. The scene changes to the office interior. Kevin and Scott are sitting across from each other at a desk.]

Kevin: I think we should lose this paragraph on page 46. It's unnecessary and confusing.

Scott: Yes, I completely agree. Now what about this character's vacation to Hawaii? To me, it came completely out of left field.

Kevin: Yes, the Hawaii trip does seem like a first idea. Let's cut it!

Scott: Yeesssss...Still it needs something, my feathery friend. Why don't we replace vacation to Hawaii, with a trip, to the...[thinking]

Both: Funeral!

Kevin: Yes...Good idea, the book was lacking in funerals anyway.

Scott: Yes.

Kevin: Now have you read the last chapter yet?

Scott: God No!

Kevin: God, neither have I!

Scott: Ha, he never ends a book well anyway!

Both: Cut the last chapter!

Scott: [holds up a copy of the book jacket] Now, what about this jacket? To me it's obvious, to me it screams, *book*.

Kevin: I trust you, let's lose it.

Scott: [Tears it up] Done! Now we need a break. Let's take a walk.

Kevin: [stands] Right!

Scott: [stands] Left!

Kevin: Door!

Scott: Open!

Both: Exit!

[Both exit the office. Cut to them walking down the street with a truck following behind them.]

Both: [both men round the street corner] And, turn!

Kevin: How do you feel about that mailbox?

Scott: Hmm, too red.

Kevin: Lose it!

Scott: Mmmhmm.

[Two men jump off the truck and take away the mailbox.]

Kevin: Feelings about the paperbox?

Scott: Eh, like the box, hate the headlines. Lose the news!

Kevin: Good one. What do you think about that bike there?

Scott: Eh, I like it!

Kevin: [points to fire hydrant] I think this neighborhood would look good in a fire.

Scott: Uh-huh. Lose the fire hydrant!

Kevin: Bingo!

Scott: Bango!

Both: Bongo!

[One of the men from the truck removes the fire hydrant.]

Kevin: There's something missing from this area.

Scott: It needs a bit more red. Gain the flowers!

[A worker places a box full of flowers over a fence.]

Kevin: Nice touch...[notices some flyers for a band] Nice looking band.

Scott: But a bad looking bass player.

Both: Nix him!

[One of the workers uses a can of spray paint to cover over the bass player's face on each flyer.]

Scott: Oohh, that bench!

Both: Get rid of it!

[Two workers come over to a bench a man is sitting on, reading the paper. They indicate he needs to get up, and then take away the bench. The man watches them, baffled.]

Scott: Aah...[notices a man and woman exiting an apartment building. Kevin and Scott walk up to them, nearly nose to nose.]

Kevin: Nice looking couple. I like the girl.

Scott: Mmm, hate the guy.

Both: Strike him!

[Two workers grab the man's arms and carry him away. His girlfriend trails after them, objecting.]

Kevin: Oh, I meant to tell you about your jacket. Unnecessary. Lose it!

Scott: [sheds his jacket on the ground] Consider it gone! And your shoes...I like them, but I'm feeling cantankerous.

Kevin: Your belt. Don't like it, strike it.

Scott: It's gone.

Kevin: Better take your pants off, make it easier.

[Scott pulls his slacks down to his feet and hops out of them. Scott and Kevin continue walking down the road shedding articles of clothes as the truck follows them.]


Editors 2

[Bruce and Laura are kissing in the kitchen. Dave leans over to Mark.]

Dave: So, they're back together again.

Mark: Who?

[Kevin and Scott enter through the kitchen door.]

Both: Enter!

Kevin: Like the guy.

Scott: Mmm, like the girl.

Both: Cut the parents!

[Two workers come into the kitchen and drag Dave and Mark away from the table and out of the kitchen, both protesting.]

Mark: What? What the hell...hey, hey!

Kevin: Kids need their privacy.

Scott: Yup...[Scott and Kevin sit at the table.] Ahhh...

Kevin: Young love!

Bruce: [to Laura] Officially, it's like we never broke up.

[Laura nods apathetically, and the two resume kissing.]

Kevin and Scott: Hmm...cut the scene!


Editors 3

Kevin: Hmm, what should we cut now?

Scott: What about us? We're not interesting anymore.

Kevin: We never were.

Scott: We *bore* we!

Both: Lose us! Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend us your ears! We come to bury Caesar!

[Both slowly fade from the scene until they vanish altogether.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video