Die In The House I Was Born In

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: orteil_perdu@hotmail.com

Part 1

Dave: [standing on a nice suburban lawn in front of a nice suburban house] I was born in that house. And you know what? I intend to die there. Oh, I don't live there anymore, but that's where I'm going to die. Die in the house where I was born. Sort of a dream of mine. So, whenever I'm feeling a little bit sick, I just come down here. You know, just in case. Right now I've got a bit of a cold. But it could escalate. So I'll just wait and see . . . It's a wait and see sort of thing. [Pulls out a gigantic book] Oh, you don't have to hang around. I've got a book.

Part 2

[Dave is restlessly pacing across the lawn. A doctor runs up with an x-ray]

Scott: Your x-rays . . .

Dave: What's up?

Scott: Take a look at this. See? It's just the photographer's finger.

Dave: So it's just a flaw in the negative.

Scott: Yeah.

Dave: I don't have lung cancer.

Scott: I'm afraid not.

Dave: You know I took the day off work.

Scott: I know. I'm sorry.

Dave: Great. Can you give me a lift back into town?

Scott: Sure. Cigarette?

Dave: Yeah, what the hell.

Scott: That's the spirit. Come on, back on that horse.

Dave: Yeah, right.

Part 3

[Kevin drags a dying Dave towards the house]

Kevin: We're almost there, buddy. Almost there. Why God?! Why this man? I can't believe this is happening to you. Not to you! [Dragging Dave up the stairs] One step at a time, one step at a time, one step at a time. We're almost there buddy, we're almost there. There's so many other accountants this could have happened to. I can't picture life without you - I mean, we'll miss you at work. I'll get the door, buddy. You stay there. [Drapes Dave over the deck railing and pounds on the door] Open the door! Open the door, let us in! Open the door! I got a dying man out here who wants to be a dying man in there. [Returns to Dave's side] They're not in, they're not answering. My poor, sick, dying buddy . . . I'll get you in there. You wanna die in that house, then you're gonna die in that house. [Picks up a deck chair and smashes a hole in the front window. Grabs Dave and stuffs him head first through the hole until only his feet are sticking out] There you are, buddy. You're in your dreamhouse. The circle of life has been completed. Die well . . . die well. [Looks at his watch] Christ, I'm 45 minutes past my lunch hour. Farewell. Farewell! [Kevin runs off. A few hacking sounds are heard through the window. The protruding feet finally go limp].

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video