Depressed Vaudevillians

Transcribed from: DVD (Season One)
Transcribed by: Kim H. (

[The camera zooms in on a vaudeville stage. Kevin and Bruce enter with large grins on their faces. They proceed to do a little dance around on stage.]

Both: [singing] Hey there folks! Sitting in your places. We got some jokes to put smiles on your faces.

Bruce: We got some laughs.

Kevin: And we got some tales.

Both: We might even blame you folks if it fails. [Both pass their hands over their heads] Phew!

Bruce: Oh Mr. K.

Kevin: Oh Mr. B.

Bruce: Oh Mr. K.

Kevin: Oh Mr. B!

Both: We got a stoooorrrrrrrryy!

Kevin: So!

Bruce: So...

Kevin: So!

Bruce: So...

Kevin: So I hear you're an optimist!

Bruce: Yes, I am an optimist.

Kevin: Tell me, what's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

Bruce: An optimist says, "The drink is half full." A pessimist says, "The drink is half full", but I might have bowel cancer.

Both: Whoa!

[Both pause, grinning.]

Kevin: So!

Bruce: So...

Kevin: So!

Bruce: So...

Kevin: I hear you have an uncle.

Bruce: Yes, sir, I do have an uncle.

Kevin: By all means, tell me about your uncle.

Bruce: Well, he's worked at the same dead end job he loathes for 40 years.

Kevin: Tell me, why would your uncle, or any man, work in the same job he loathed for 40 years?

Bruce: I asked him. He said, "I'll try anything, once!"

Kevin: Whoa! So!...I'm fucking your wife.

[Bruce looks at Kevin in shock. Kevin looks like he wished he hadn't said anything.]

Kevin: Oh Mr. B!

Bruce: [dazedly] Oh Mr. K...

Both: I got a stoorrrrrrry!

Bruce: Knock knock.

Kevin: Who's there?

Bruce: Despair!

Kevin: Come in man, I know you well.

Both: Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!

[Kevin exaggeratedly walks to the front of the stage.]

Kevin: [starts off excitedly and speech becomes more depressed as he goes on.] I looked in the mirror the other day, and I noticed another gray hair, and...another line running down the middle of my face and I realize I'm turning 40 next week and...just where the hell is my life going?

[Both men pause.]

Bruce: Oh Mr. K!

Kevin: Oh Mr. B!

Both: We got a stooorrrrrrryyy!

Bruce: [angrily] I can't believe you went and did it, man! I can't believe you went and gave Sherise the money for an abortion! It was *my* baby, *I* should have been consulted!

Kevin: Where were you when we *needed* you!?

Bruce: I was out gettin' my *head* together, you know me man!

Kevin: I loved you, once!

Bruce: You betrayed me!

[Bruce grabs the back of Kevin's head and Kevin grabs Bruce's coat lapels. Both grimace angrily and growl at each other.]

[Drum rimshot - Bruce and Kevin turn back to the audience, grinning.]

Both: We got a stooorrrrrrrrryyy!

[Music plays. The two men dance around on stage for a bit and then exit.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video