Death Experience

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
(Kevin and Dave- Two friends)

(At a golf course)

Kevin: (rushing in) I had the most wonderful experience!

Dave: That's okay. Let's just play golf.

Kevin: Oh, I gotta tell you this. You'll never believe it.

Dave: All right, all right.

Kevin: I was in my study...

Dave: Yeah.

Kevin: ...doing my tax returns. When all of a sudden I felt pangs of pain along my left arm. Then it started to become very difficult to breathe...

Dave: Uh huh.

Kevin: And all of a sudden, it went black! And I knew that I was dead. And it even got eerier after that. In the distance I heard organ music. I think it was the theme from Joseph and his Technicolored Raincoat, I'm not sure. And then I started floating along a very beautifully lit hall, and I saw a giant hand...

Dave: Beckoning for you to come forward, right?

Kevin: Yes! Yes! But before I could reach the hand, I...

Dave: Was pulled violently back through the hallway, the next thing you knew, you were on an operating table surrounded by doctors.

Kevin: Yes, these doctors told me...

Dave: That you'd been clinically dead for a few moments.

Kevin: Yes! It was the most amazing...

Dave: Experience of your life, and it's left you even more aware of how precious life is, blah, blah, blah, can we play golf now?

Kevin: Oh, I'm sorry if my death and rebirth story bored you. Perhaps if I had some tits in my story you would have been more interested.

Dave: Wait a minute. Now, just a minute! You know, the first time you came back from the other side, I thought it was the most phenomenal thing I ever heard. And the second time I thought, "Wow! What are the odds?" And the next four times I thought, "Well, it certainly is interesting that it happened so often" but yes. Lately I admit it. I'm bored. Can we play golf now?

Kevin: Well, I never thought I'd hear this from you. My best friend bored of all my deaths. They don't seem to be bored every time I'm on the Arsenio Hall show, but you don't want to hear about it.

Dave: Well, look at it from my point of view.

Kevin: What's your point of view?

Dave: Well, let's say I had this really great chicken salad sandwich one day, right?

Kevin: Yeah.

Dave: Right. And then I called you and told you all about it.

Kevin: I'd be excited for you.

Dave: All right, now let's say I had a second really great chicken salad sandwich and I called and I told you about that one.

Kevin: I'd think great! Lunchtime must be very happy for you.

Dave: Terrific. Now suppose, all day long, all I did, was eat these chicken salad sandwiches, and at the completion of each sandwich, I phoned you and told you about it. Wouldn't you start to get bored?

Kevin: No. I would not get bored.

Dave: Wouldn't you get a little bored? Admit it! You'd get bored!

Kevin: I wouldn't be bored, I'd be concerned. I'd be concerned about your cholesterol level.

Dave: Look, let's just play golf, okay, Lazarus?

Kevin: I can't believe your acquainting my returning from the dead with chicken salad sandwiches! What is this freaky obsession you have with chicken salad anyway? It's beginning to scare me. Oh...

Dave: What?

Kevin: I'm feeling pangs of pain along my left arm.

Dave: Oh. A heart attack?

Kevin: Yeah. A little heart attack. I'm finding it very difficult breathing, actually.

Dave: Oh. Oh, how awful.

Kevin: I think I'm dying...

Dave: How terrible.

Kevin: I think I'm dy--- (dies)

Dave: Oh no. He's dead. He's dead again. Oh, no. Is that it? Huh? Are you dead again? Huh? Huh?

Kevin: (as a ghost) Yes I'm dead again. Now this is neat.

Dave: Yeah, nifty.

Kevin: Come on! This doesn't impress you? I've never been a ghost before.

Dave: Well, I've seen it.

Kevin: Where have you seen it?

Dave: The Ghost in Mrs. Mueller.

Kevin: That was a movie.

Dave: Was that a movie first?

Kevin: You are so stupid.

Dave: Yeah, right. I'm stupid. I'm a moron.

Kevin: Yes, you are a moron.

Dave: Okay. Fore!!!

(balls goes through Kevin's ghost)

Kevin: Wow! Now that was neat!

Dave: Yeah, right.

Kevin: Geez, did you find the first moon landing boring?

Dave: Call me when you're alive again, okay?

Kevin: Ignoramus! Well, I guess I better go call the ambulance.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video