The Country Doctor

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie and
Cast- [The bedroom of a farmhouse. Scott is lying in bed, looking very sick, with Kevin, as his wife, sitting by his bedside.]

Kevin: Oh Lord, where is the doctor? He said he'd get here as soon as "All Creatures Great and Small" was over.

[Scott sits up a little, groaning.]

Kevin: Oh, you'd better stay put, Frank.

Scott: Oh, can't stay in bed, Martha. I gotta get out 'n' plant the sheep.

[Kevin looks puzzled for a moment.]

Scott: We don't get ourselves a good crop of wool this year, we gonna lose the farm.

Kevin: Don't worry, Frank Jr. will plant the sheep.

Scott: Frank Jr.? He's just a little girl.

Kevin: [looking a little confused, but trying not to show it] I know, but it's about time she became a man. You just stay and rest.

Scott: [weakly] No, I-

Kevin: You stay here and-

Bruce: [yelling from downstairs] Doctor's comin', Ma!

Kevin: [getting up] The doctor's comin', Frank. You stay here. [Kevin leans and kisses Scott's forehead] I'll be back with the doctor. [Kevin leaves the room.]

Bruce: The doctor's comin' up the way, Ma! He's comin'!

[Cut to a shot of the front door. Bruce is standing inside, his nose pressed against the screen, looking out.]

Bruce: Oh! He's stopped! He's just lookin' down! He's just starin' at a pretty rock, Ma! Oh, he picked it up! And he threw it! He hit a crow with the rock, Ma!

[Kevin comes up to stand behind him.]

Bruce: [still yelling] The doctor hit a crow with the rock! And he's comin' again, Ma! He's comin' again, Ma- I can see him, he's almost here, Ma! Doctor's almost here!

[Dave walks up and stops very close to the door, almost nose-to-nose with Bruce.]

Bruce: Hi, doctor.

Dave: Hey, Frank Jr., Missus McKay.

Kevin: Hi doctor, 'scuse me Jr. [pushing Bruce aside to open the door], come right on in, doctor.

Dave: Why, sure.

Kevin: Watch the door.

[Dave comes inside and stands on the mat.]

Kevin: Come right in, Frank's in the bedroom.

Dave: Well, I better wipe the mud off my boots first.

Kevin: No, that's alright.

[Dave starts wiping his feet on the mat.]

Dave: Oh, no, no, no, no, see, it's such a lovely day, I figured I'd come by the river route, and you know what a mess of rain we been havin' lately, and so needless to say, my boots have gathered more than their fair share of mud on the travel.

Kevin: [looking impatient] Please don't bother, please don't bother, go right in.

Dave: [still wiping his feet] No, it's no bother, I don't wanna get mud all over your lovely kitchen floor, Missus McKay.

Kevin: We're gonna clean the floor later-

Dave: I wouldn't hear of it, I would not hear of it-

Kevin: Just take the damn things off, then!

[Dave, stunned, stops wiping his feet.]

Kevin: I'm sorry, doctor, it's just that Frank is awfully sick.

Dave: No, no, no, Missus McKay, you're right, you're right, I'll just take 'em off. [bends to untie his shoes] Well, let's just get down here and uh, uh [tugs at laces], um, well whadya know? Got a little knot in my laces.

Kevin: Never mind, though [pulling Dave to his feet], never mind-

Dave: No, I'll dirty your floor-

Kevin: I love dirty floors, I love dirty floors-

[Kevin and Bruce grab Dave's arms and pull him into the room.]

Dave: Well, if you really don't mind-

Kevin: [calling back as he rushes up the stairs] -first got a high fever on Tuesday, when-

Dave: [sniffing at the air] Why, is that pie I smell?

[Kevin comes back down the stairs and into the kitchen, looking annoyed.]

Bruce: No, it's the smell of my daddy dyin'!

Dave: Nnnooo, I'm pretty sure that's the smell of your ma's apple pie.

Kevin: Well, I did bake an apple pie for the Sunday meal, doctor.

Dave: Well, you sure do make the finest pie in the county, no doubtin' that.

Kevin: Would you like a piece, doctor?

Dave: Why, I'd be a fool to turn down a slice of your pie, Missus McKay.

Kevin: One quick little piece, then. [turns to get the pie]

Dave: Okay. Hey, Frank Jr.? [sits down at the table]

Bruce: Hey, doctor.

Dave: How's school been treatin' you?

Bruce: Good, good, y'know, school.

Dave: Yeah, so, whadya wanna be when you grow up?

Bruce: Oh, maybe a doctor like you, or a corpse- uh, I mean, a farmer like my daddy.

Dave: Y'know boy, your pa's a fine man.

[Scott groans loudly from upstairs.]

Kevin: [stammers] Here's your pie, doctor [puts a plate holding a small slice of pie in front of him].

Dave: Why, that's lovely lookin' pie, Missus McKay, mm-mmm.

[Scott groans louder, as Dave starts to eat. Kevin and Bruce watch Dave eat, obviously impatient.]

[Cut to the bedroom. Mark, as the Grim Reaper, climbs in through the window. Scott looks at him, horrified. Mark goes to the foot of the bed, picks up his sickle, and starts swinging it around, knocking things off the dresser and breaking a mirror. He takes a swipe at Scott, but Scott scrunches down into the bed and Mark hits the lamp instead. Mark drops the sickle and produces a cigarette, which he shoves into Scott's mouth. Scott spits it out, coughing and sputtering.]

[Cut to the kitchen. Dave eats the last bite of pie, and Kevin and Bruce sigh in relief.]

Bruce: Would you like seconds, Doctor Am?

[Kevin shoots Bruce an evil look.]

Dave: Why, I'd love another slice of pie.

Bruce: [looking at Kevin] Force of habit.

Kevin: Get him another slice, Jr. I'd better check on Frank, doctor, he's doin' mightly poorly.

Dave: Whatever.

[Cut to the bedroom. Kevin enters to see Mark slapping Scott in the face repeatedly. Kevin gasps.]

Kevin: Hey, you leave my man alone! Hey!

[Mark stops, turns, and starts to go after Kevin. Kevin shoves Mark, Mark shoves Kevin back, and Mark chases Kevin out of the room, kicking her.]

Kevin: Death! Death! Death!

[Mark slams the door behind her.]

[Cut to the kitchen. Dave is sitting on the kitchen table with Bruce in his lap, holding a guitar in front of them.]

Dave: Now, seriously, Frank Jr. Y'know, one point I wanted to be a country western singer and not the doctor that I eventually become.

Bruce: Really?

Dave: Oh, yeah. [starts to play the guitar and sing] Your cheatin' heart-

Kevin: [running in, out of breath] Doctor! Doctor, you'd better check on Frank, Death is bangin' on his door!

Dave: Now, Missus McKay, I really think I oughta be doin' the doctorin' around here, don't you?

Bruce: Yeah?

Kevin: [disgusted] Oh, right.

Dave: Now once you learn a bar chord, the whole musical world is your oyster.

Dave and Bruce: [singing] Your cheatin' heart-

[Kevin runs out of the room with a broom.]

[Cut to the bedroom. Mark has Scott in a face-down half-nelson, tugging at his mercilessly as Scott moans. Kevin runs up behind him and swats Mark with the broom.]

Kevin: Ah, shoo Death! Shoo! Death be not proud! Ooh!

[Mark grabs his sickle, and they duel with the sickle and broom. Kevin forces Mark out the window, and rushes to Scott's bedside, putting her arm around him.]

Dave: [out in the hall] Thanks for the coffee, boy.

[Dave enters the room with a cup of coffee in his hand.]

Dave: Well, let's have a look at this here dyin' man of yours, Missus McKay. Hey, Frank.

Scott: [looking better than before] Hi there, Doctor Amity.

Dave: Let's have a look atcha, boy.

Scott: Yep. [shakes Dave's hand, then opens his mouth] Aaaahh.

Dave: Well, I can't see anything wrong with this man. No reason why he shouldn't be out plantin' the sheep as we speak. Well, guess I'd better be gettin' over to the Parker place, y'know Mrs. Parker's expectin'. One of mine. [sniffs at the air] Why, is that chicken I smell?

Kevin: Well, there's one in the coop, I- guess I could kill it and cook it for you.

Dave:Well, if it ain't too much trouble.

Scott: 'Tain't no trouble at all.

[Cut to the kitchen. Mark sits down at the table, hunches over and starts eating the pie straight from the pan using his fingers. Mark stops and looks up, startled. Bruce points at Mark.]

Bruce:That pie's for dessert.

[Mark goes back to eating the pie.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video