Cabbage Head Goes on a Date

Transcribed from: DVD (Season One)
Transcribed by: Kim H. (

[Bruce and Kevin are seated at a restaurant table. Bruce's menu is raised to conceal his head, and Kevin is perusing his menu.]

Kevin: It all looks so good. Maybe I'll have the lobster *and* the steak.

Bruce: Uh, the appetizers are good here. The fried Camembert, at $4.95, is excellent *and* filling!

Kevin: Well there *are* my hips...maybe I'll just have a salad.

Bruce: Thanks! Why won't you let me forget [lowers his menu] that I have a cabbage for a head!

Kevin: I didn't mean it that way at all, I'm sorry.

Bruce: I guess I've just been touchy about things, since birth.

Kevin: I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.

Bruce: Okay. I guess you'll have to make it up to me by, heh, *sleeping* with me then? [Chuckles]

Kevin: You're kidding, right?

Bruce: [to camera] Yeah, kidding.

[Scott enters as the waitress.]

Bruce: Uh, the lady will have a bowl of gin, no ice...we don't have time for it to melt. [Bruce and Kevin chuckle.] And I'll have a rum and rye, and could you garnish that with a couple of Tums?

[Scott exits.]

Kevin: What a manly drink.

Bruce: Yes, I'm having such strong feelings about you that I'm having *trouble*, with my *gut*.

Kevin: That's horribly romantic.

[Kevin takes out a cigarette and leans forward, waiting for Bruce to light it for him. Bruce is too busy picking things out of his teeth with the matchbook to notice. Kevin leans back and takes the cigarette out of his mouth. A violinist comes by the table.]

Bruce: I have something to tell you. I know I've only known you an hour, but...I love you. [to the violinist] Would you get out of here I'm trying to talk!!

[The violinist leaves.]

Bruce: I love you. Wow, the words felt so purifying. I've never uttered them to anyone before. [to camera] Well, before noon!

Kevin: Really?

Bruce: [yelling] Yeah really, what's with the third degree!? Ooh, sorry, my emotions are making me testy! Listen, I just don't want to be alone tonight. Although I do want to be alone when I wake up if you know what I'm saying.

Kevin: I thought you were different.

Bruce: I am, look at my head! Uuuuggggghhhhhaaaa!

Kevin: I'm tired of talking about your head, frankly.

Bruce: [pauses] Oh. This isn't working, is it?

Kevin: No it isn't, frankly.

Bruce: I mean sometimes you go out on a date with someone and it's like magic. Othertimes, it sucks!

Kevin: Yes, exactly. Yes.

Bruce: I think we're both adults. I think we both know the adult thing to do would be, to cut our losses. We'll forego the expensive dinner, and just have sex in the can! [Kevin looks stunned.] Err, uh, ooh, I mean, "the ladies room". Pardon my French!

Kevin: I think I'm gonna go home now.

Bruce: What? I paid for your bus fare! You owe me!

Kevin: Goodbye! [stands to leave].

Bruce: Come on baby, one ride deserves another! [makes a gesture with his cigar passing in and out of his circled thumb and forefinger. Kevin tosses his water on him and exits.]

[Scott enters.]

Bruce: Once you go green, you'll never go back! [to Scott] The service drove my mademoiselle away! [looks at Scott's nametag] Helga Foise. That's my mother's name. Listen, Helga, how about a date?

Scott: I'm sorry, I have a rule about dating creeps.

Bruce: And what is that rule?

Scott: No.

Bruce: Helga, I could just live between your breasts. And I don't mean that in a sexist way!

[Scott throws another glass of water on Bruce and exits.]

Bruce: Can I get a towel? A lettuce spinner?

[The violinist enters again.]

Bruce: You! I asked you...I blame you! Get outta here! [Violinist exits.] Why don't you play something sexy, like Shaft! [to camera and audience] What!?!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video