Buddy: Stranded on a Desert Island

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: ERigby1000@aol.com
Cast: Scott: What I, Buddy Cole, love best about dinner parties is that moment when the conversation suddenly dies a horrible death and some helpful wag pipes up with, "If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring one book, record, and person, what would they be?

[Fade from Scott in bar to stranded on a desert island]

Scott: What are the odds? I can't believe it! Here I am stranded on a desert island and my only supplies are my favorite book- All About Rhoda by Peggy Hertz from Scholastic Press and my favorite album- Johnny Mathis and Denise Williams, "That's What Friends Are For". I always like to have an ex-lover's music around. Denise is good, too. And for companionship the one and only Oscar Wilde. Oscar, say something funny.

Dave: Shall I?

Scott: Yes, do your stuff. Do the "Wilde" thing.

Dave: Well, Buddy, I recall as I laid dying in my death bed I came out of my stupor momentarily and declared with perfect aplomb either that wallpaper goes or I do.

Scott: Oh that was rich Oscar. Oh, geeze, let me catch my breath for a second. Oh, oh I am so glad that I brought you and not someone common.

Dave: Message received Buddy. You know Buddy the trouble with the common man...

Scott: yes?

Dave: Is that he is so unbearably common!

Scott: Oh Oscar, funny but you're such a snob.

Dave: Oh that's my charm.

Scott: Oh, oh, it's really too bad that you're dead.

Dave: Oh I know.

Scott: Does it bother you?

Dave: Well you know Buddy I'd rather be in Philadelphia. [Laughs obnoxiously at himself]

Scott: What?

Dave: Philadelphia.

Scott: Um, that's funny but W.C. Fields said it.

Dave: Well yes, if you had been listening to me correctly Buddy what you would have heard me say was, "I may have been born yesterday but I still went shopping."

Scott: [Stares angrily] That was me.

Dave: Oh yes, [cough] Well I seem to be getting a bit of laryngitis Buddy, I'm afraid there'll be no more quipping today.

Scott: Oscar please stop with the laryngitis nonsense, you're pathetic. You would have never lasted on television, I'll bet what you really said on your death bed was something more like, "shit!"

Dave: Well Buddy I'm just going to go and find some honey for my throat.

Scott: That's a good idea and remember it's a small island so stay out of my way Gilligan.

Dave: [Picks up book] Oh look Rhoda.

Scott: [Slaps it out of Dave's hand] And while you're at it do something about your hair it's threatening to become more interesting than you. Speaking of traveling that reminds me of the time when I was crossing the border into Albania and some border guard asked me if I had anything to declare and I said -this is great- Only my genius.

Dave: Buddy, that was mine!

Scott: So what, you owe me!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video