Buddy: I'm Canadian

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: asekikawa@mail.accent.net
Player: Scene: Scott: Show business is full . . . of actors, singers, dancers, models... And then there's me. Actor. Singer. Dancer. Model. . . Canadian.

I can make the word Canadian sound sexy. Most people think that I'm from the States. . . And even worse, they think that I'm from New York, because I'm so sexy. But New York isn't sexy, it's sleazy. Americans know as much about Canada as straight people do about gays. Americans arrive at the border with skis in July, and straight people think that being gay is just a phase. A very long phase. When I'm overseas, and people mistake me for an American, I'm outraged as when I'm mistaken for straight.

No one wants to know I'm gay. And even less people want to know that I'm Canadian. On my resume, my agent replaced the word gay with blond , and Canadian with outdoorsy . So I replaced outdoorsy with blousy . Which makes me a blousy blond.

I get all the best friend roles. I'm in this new American picture called Millenium. It's a big budget science fiction starring Cherryl Ladd. You know, one day someone thought, "Hey. I want to make a terrible movie in Canada. Everybody else has..." I play the best friend of the timegate operator. He has one line. But he says it directly to me. The movie is full of Canadian actors with one line. It's great. It won't make a dime.

It's a big hoopla down South about some wag burning the flag, oh Jesus. I don't know what all the fuss is about. We burn our flag all the time to keep warm. . . Is it cold in here or is it just me? I seem to be catching a chill.

[whips out a Canadian flag -handkerchief- and sneezes into it]

Oh, Jesus. Oh, that's better. Lucky I didn't blow my Pope's nose.

It all reminds me of the time that Anne Murray and James Baldwin were sharing a smart cocktail at her cottage in Parry Sound. Anne said to James, It must be hard enough being black and gay... Imagine if you were also Canadian, eh?


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video