Pre-Vacation Family Blowout

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Andrew Greenberg
Cast- Scott: Number 1 is off. Number 2 is off. Number 3 is off. Number 4 is off. All the elements are off because number 1 is off, number 2 is off, number 3 is--

Bruce: Let's go go go. Let's go chase some scenery. C'mon let's go. What's the situation in here?

Scott: Well you know, I'm almost ready but...

Bruce: Oh Fran, we're gonna get behind schedule.

Scott: Schedule? Gordon, how can I follow this bleedin' schedule if I don't know what it is?

Bruce: Listen, I didn't have time in the schedule to explain the schedule to you. Listen, did you pack enough q-tips? You know how my ears always get when when we go to the country.

Scott: Is a thousand enough?

Bruce: Ah yaa yaa.

Scott: Number one is off, number two.

Bruce: C'mon let's go.

Scott: Jeez I'm just trying--

Bruce: I can feel the traffic building. That's my commuter instinct talking so c'mon let's go.

Scott: No, I can't go.

Bruce: What do you mean you can't go?

Scott: I can't go. Brian didn't come home last night.

Bruce: Well, how do you know that?

Scott: His bed hasn't been slept in.

Bruce: I don't know, maybe he made it before he went out this morning.

Scott: Gordon, listen to what you're saying.

Bruce: Yeah, you're right, he didn't come home last night.

Scott: Besides, I spent the night in front of his door. If he had come in, he would've hit me on the head and woke me.

Bruce: Oh Fran please! My beard is coming in! Listen, if you don't get in bluie right now and pull out a map and direct me to a cottage so I can get my full week's relaxation I'm gonna make the next year of your life misery!

Scott: Gordon, I can't move!

Bruce: What do you mean you can't move?

Scott: My hips just locked!

Bruce: They did not!

Scott: They did! I can't move!

Bruce: You can-- Fran!

Scott: I'm frozen to this spot! I'm locked.

Dave: Hi Dad. Have a nice vacation. Just leave the keys on top of the TV. I'll be in my room. Bye.

Scott and Bruce: Brian!

Bruce: Get back here young man!

Scott: In! In! In! In!

[Dave comes back in]

Dave: What? What?

Scott: Oh, my G-d! Would you look at his eyes! Red as a rooster! You're high. You were at a crack house, weren't you?

Dave: [sarcastically] Yeah, Mom, I was at a crack house.

Bruce: Fran, really, a crack house in Woodland Heights? Where? Up by the Safeway?

Scott: Gordon, get with it they're everywhere.

Dave: Yeah, actually, Mom, you're right. You know what? I'm actually running a crack house. Yeah. Me and my friends got together and started a little crack house to raise money for college. I mean, you always wanted me to get a higher education, right?

Bruce: Hey, you watch your mouth, young man, or I'll watch it for you.

Scott: Stop it, the both of you. Then where were you?

Dave: I was at Tucker's place. The party ran a little late and I did not want to wake my parents so I decided to sleep on a couch.

Scott: Oh fine. It's about time, Brian, that you started acting more like an adult around here.

Bruce: That's right, contributing to the home, being more responsible...

Scott: Oh my G-d! [sniff] You smell like a brewery!

Bruce: Uh oh! You're grounded!

Dave: Well you bought me the beer!

Scott: What Gordon?! He's only 16 and you bought him beer?!

Bruce: What?! You're only 16?! You're cut off mister!

Scott: Oh geez. Why don't you just cut out my heart and put it in a birdfeeder? You might as well.

Bruce: Oh Fran, really, all it was was a few... dozen beers. I mean, a boy should know how to drink.

Scott: Did you get him a hooker, too? A boy should know how to you know.

Bruce: Oh Fran.

Scott: You two are in cahoots.

Bruce: We are not in cahoots. Don't start that.

Scott: You're both exactly the same.

Dave: Oh I am nothing like him!

Bruce: I am not like this one!

Dave: No I am not like him at all

Bruce: I think he was the milkman's

Scott: Yes you are.

Dave: Oh would you just shut up.

Bruce: Hold it! Don't ever tell your mother to shut up when you're under my roof! Unless you think you're big enough to take on your old man, eh? Do ya?

Scott: Oh jeez!

Bruce: Shut up!... Let's go! [leaves]

Dave: I'm gonna go to my room. Have a nice vacation.

Scott: Brian!

Dave: What?

Scott: You hungry, honey?

Dave: Oh yeah, a little bit.

Scott: I'll fix you something to eat. There are some eggos in the fridge but I won't fry anything! I'm too angry to fry!

Dave: That's okay. I had a pizza a couple hours ago.

Scott: You need some money?

Dave: Hyeah.

Scott: Well, there's $40 in the crisper.

Dave: Okay.

Scott: Just let me give you a quick haircut.

Dave: Mom!

Scott: But it's so shaggy, it won't take me a second.

Bruce: [in the door] Fran! Have you turned the boy into a fag yet?!

Scott: Gordon, jeez! Cool it!

Dave: Jeez! [leaves]

Scott: [calling to him from the inside door] Brian!

Dave: [from the other, not seen side of the inside door] What?

Scott: We're off, honey! Now, no parties or drinking.

Dave: I can't hear you. I'm in the shower.

Scott: But if you do get drunk, do it in the basment so you don't fall down the stairs.

Dave: Okay.

Scott: Okay, be good, dear. [to Gordon] Oh, I guess now we're behind schedule.

Bruce: No we're not, I penciled in a family blowout. You'll get a cheeseburger in about six hours.

Scott: Is that in the schedule?

Bruce: If you're good.

[they go out the door]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video