Blonde Mechanic

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Devri Richmond
Cast: [Kevin is in a shop, he's a mechanic with a hat on.]

Kevin: I've been a mechanic for seventeen years. I love cars, and I consider myself lucky that my job is something that I love. But I don't think I'm your average grease monkey. Hey, I love the opera. As a matter of fact, I happen to be writing a light opera about a guy who brings a station wagon to an auto shop, they don't have he extra parts he needs, and he kills his lover. Very nice. I also have an extensive wine cellar that was once written up in a magazine called 'Wine, wine, wine.' But I think the thing that sums me up best is this. [He takes his hat off to reveal long, beautiful blonde hair.] My beautiful blonde locks. [He flips it around, spits bits of it out of his mouth.] When I was a young lad, my tragically bald mother told me, 'son, beautiful hair is a wonderful treat to the world. Don't do what I had done, my son, take care of your hair, take care of your hair.' So I have. [He flips it around some more, smiling.] And I think I've, uh, added a particular color to the perception one has of the garage mechanic.

[Mark and Scott come in.]

Mark: Hey Ross!

Scott: Hey Ross!

Kevin: Hey Miguel, hey Paul-O.

Mark: Lookin good today, Ross.

Kevin: Thanks very much.

[Kevin flips his hair around and sits down on a toolbox. Scot brings another one over.]

Kevin: At first the guys I worked with hated me and made fun of me all the time.

[Mark walks over to Kevin's other side, looks up.]

Mark: Oh, hi.

Kevin: But, as time went by, [Mark takes out a comb, and Scott takes out a brush and hair spray.] They not only got used to my hair, but they developed a sense of pride over it.

[Mark and Scott start to brush and spray his hair.]

Scott: Oh yeah, oh yeah, looks good. Hey, hey, hey.

Kevin: Not too rough, not too rough.

Scott: Hey, what are you doin, you'll pull his fucking roots out.

Mark: Hey-

Scott: You know, it's a piece of art here.

Mark: Hey, excuse me, I think I know what I'm doing with the hairbrush, okay. It's really-

Scott: Well, don't use that fucking thing.

Kevin: Guys.

Mark: I'm gonna use it, I am-

[They argue, cussing away.]

Kevin: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!

[The phone rings, Mark goes to pick it up.]

Kevin: Jesus, what did I tell ya? I said, 'comb my hair fair', 'comb my hair and-'

Mark: Itky Garage. Thanks. Hey, it's that guy from 'Vogue' Magazine again.

Kevin: Oh. For Christ's sake no. [He stands.] Tell him I'm a mechanic, not a model.

Mark: No. No. NOOO! [He hangs up. Kevin turns on a big, high-powered fan.]

Kevin: Jeez. When are they gonna learn? This hair's for us.

Scott: All right.

Mark: Yeah!

[Kevin flips hair around in the wind.]

Scott: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, do it!

[Mark has a camera, taking pictures of Kevin.]

Mark: Come on, give me the panther, give me the panther, looks good!

[Shows a whole bunch of pictures of Kevin posing with the fan.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video