Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tom

Mark: Clem
Kevin: Barber
Scott: Idiot Boy
Dave: Petey
Bruce: Billy

Setting: A southern barbershop with Mark telling stories. Kevin is cutting his hair, and young boys Bruce and Scott listen intently. Everyone speaks in southern accents.

Mark: ...And they say that truck and his solid gold piano was burnt beyond recognition. But some folk say that if you listen to the wind on some cold winter's nights, you can still hear him out there, playing that honky-tonky music. [Pause] Boo!

[Bruce and Scott react with both surprise and delight]

Mark: I gotcha good. I gotcha good!

Kevin: Good story Clem.

Bruce: Good story Clem.

[Dave walks in carring a newspaper carrier's bag]

Dave: Hi everybody!

Kevin: Hi Petey, good to see ya!

Dave: Oh, I got a newspaper for ya Billy.

Bruce: Oh thank you Petey.

Kevin: Petey, why don't you hang around, I think Clem's about to tell another story.

Dave: Well, I'd love to if that's alright with you Clem.

Mark: Oh, I don't know...

Bruce: Would you please?

Mark: Well, I don't...

Dave: Yeah would you please tell another story Clem, please?

Mark: Okay, this is a shorty but a goody. Alright. I got [a pair?] of twins, normal in every way, except ahh.. at birth they were chained together by a ten foot piece of chain between their ankles, alright?

Now, the first day that their daddy let them out of the root cellar, they took a vote, nice and democratic like, and voted 2 to 0 to go fishin'. Now they get down to the river. Mary turns to Alice and says uh, "Where's the pole?" Alice says, "I didn't bring no pole." She says, "Where's the bait?" She says, "I don't bring no bait." She says "Well get on back to the house and get it." Alice says, "To hell with that," grabs hold of Mary throws her in the water. Darned if ten minutes later they aren't looking at the biggest catfish this county ever saw. That big. [Gestures with his hands]

[Dave, and Scott are delighted]

Bruce: I've seen that catfish, it's at the mayor's office!

Dave: What a great story Clem! [Echoed by others]

Dave: Clem would you tell us another story, please? [Echoed by others]

Mark: Oh I don't know, I don't know. I'm getting a little dry here. [Takes a flask out of his pocket and drinks from it]

Dave: Awww please, Clem.

Mark: Well..

Bruce: Clem, why don't you tell us one about Three-Thumb Jake?

Dave: Yeah, tell us a story about Three-Thumb!

Mark: Oh, wanna hear a Three-Thumber?

Dave, Bruce: Yes sir!

Mark: Okay. Alright, now I remember that night in question that Three-Thumb Jake told me this story because he gave me this here coffee coupon [reaches into his shirt pocket to retrieve folded up piece of paper] which I have yet to redeem.

Dave, Bruce: Wow...

Mark: Now, he admits that he had been drinkin' on the night in question, but he still swears to God that he was out night fishin'. And he saw a spherical object descend from the sky. The doors open, and these aliens began unloading these crates of bigfoots. Crate after crate of bigfoots. Now he sees them, and they see him, and...

Kevin: NEXT!

Dave: What?

Mark: What?

Dave: What do you mean, "Next?"

Kevin: I mean "Next." The haircut's over.

Bruce: Haircut's never over.

Dave: No!

Kevin: It's over this time Billy, there's not another hair to cut, therefore the haircut's over.

Dave: Well, well just wait a minute... his sideburns ain't even!

Bruce: Oh, yeah...

Dave: His sideburns is way out of whack!

Bruce: They're horrible!

Dave: Oh certainly, a haircut's not done with sideburns that lopsided!

Kevin [takes a yard stick to measure Mark's sideburnds]: Three and a half... three and a half! Course they're even, you know they're my specialty. Course they are...

Bruce [pointing]: There's a hair. IN the middle of his head, stickin' up like a Chikitawa!

Dave: There is a hair there!

[Kevin sees it and goes back for his scissors, Mark laughs]

Mark: I thought there might be a little old hair.

Dave: What happened to the bigfoots? What happened to the bigfoots?

Mark: Alright, alright. So with those giant green suction cups on the bottom of their feet, they began ascendin' a telephone pole to get a better view of Three-Thumb Jake. Right? They're goin' up...

[Kevin cuts the hair and drops it in between Mark and the other three. Mark stops talking, and they all watch it drift to the floor.]

Kevin: NEXT!


Mark: How do I look?

Dave [forlorn]: Fine, sir.


Mark: Then I guess I'm done. [Gets up slowly, without a smile, then turns to Kevin and smiles in a friendly way] Oh well, uh, hell, how much do I owe you there? What'll it be? About a...

Kevin [laughs shyly]: Not a blessed thing. Your money's no good here. [turns serious] Best head of hair I ever cut. [offers his hand to Mark, Mark takes it]

Mark: Well Thank you.

Kevin: Thank you. Thank you.

[Mark turns to Dave, Scott and Bruce and offers his hand to Dave]

Mark: Well take care, Petey.

Dave: Sure did enjoy all your story tellin' Clem.

Mark: Thank you.

Mark: Billy take care now.

Bruce: Hey, yeah.

Mark: Idiot Boy!

[Scott launches himself into Mark's arms]

Mark: Hey, hey Idiot Boy, come on now. Hey now, you mind your drooling now, you hear? Some folks they don't, they don't kinder to that sort of thing.

[Scott gets off Mark, and Mark begins to leave the store]

Kevin: Clem!

Mark: What?

Kevin: Take care of that part. Don't let any pretty women mess it up.

Mark [laughs]: Well, don't you go worrying about me and pretty women. [As he turns to go all the mirth drains from his face, and he looks very serious]

[Dave, Scott, and Bruce all look about themselves sadly]

Kevin: NEXT!

Bruce [standing up]: I guess that'd be me.

[Bruce goes to sit in the barber's chair, as Dave and Scott pay attention expectantly]

Bruce: Once upon a time... there was this... eel-monkey... and he had himself... a bollum head. And everyone would come around laughing at him, and they would make him eat mush...

Dave [angered]: A bollum head? What the hell's a bollum head? Shoot!

Scott [also angered]: Bo bo bo bo bo!

[Bruce starts crying, Kevin covers his face, then looks up.]

Kevin: You know, the one thing I know about Clem's hair... [Dave and Scott look up hopefully] grows. He'll be back.

[Kevin, Dave, and Scott go to the door and look out after Mark.]

Bruce [still sitting in the barberchair, trying to contain his crying]: Lots of folks have bollum heads! I've seen 'em! Shoppin' and laughin' and lovin'. I seen 'em with their big bollum heads. I saw 'em with their heads. Big bollum heads...

[Fade out]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video