Ballet School

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison
Cast- [Setting: A teacher's office.]

[We see a young girl in a ballet dancer's costume performing a dance to some classical song as a woman (Mark, the head of the Ballet Academy) watches from her desk, expressionless. After a moment, Mark reaches behind herself and presses a button to stop the music.]

Mark: Thank you, Marla, thank you. Thank you. The time for dancing is over. The time for sitting is now. Thank you dear.

[Marla smiles and takes a seat facing Mark]

Mark: Marla, you are a fine dancer. All your teachers have spoken very highly of your ability. But as you know, and as you knew when you first came to this school, very few of the dancers here will graduate into the upper academy. Now each year, I am asked to select one girl who I think will reflect well on this school. And this year, only two girls were deemed worthy of that privilege; Yourself and Nicole Rowdy. Now...

[Mark is interrupted by a loud knocking on the door.]

Mark: Yes?

[Kevin enters the room. He is dressed in the same dancing uniform as Marla, but is a good deal taller, not quite as anorexicly thin and has a noticeable bandage on his nose.]

Kevin: Hiya!

Mark: Oh, hello Nikki!

Kevin: [moving to the desk] Sorry I'm late.

Mark: [noticing the bandage] Nikki, what happened to your face?

Kevin: I got into another fight.

Mark: A fight?

Kevin: Umm-hmmm. I'm okay, but you should see Daphne!

[Mark laughs politely as Kevin approaches Marla's chair]

Kevin: Move in, Marla.

[Marla does so, looking at Kevin with obvious distaste and she moves to the empty chair to her right as Kevin sits were Marla was earlier. He sits in a less than ladylike manner, with his legs spread out to take as much space as possible and his arm resting over the back of the chair.]

Mark: [overly polite, trying to be tactful] Now, Marla I know that... I know that many of you and your classmates think that Nicole is, well... a pig.

Kevin: I am not!

Mark: Yes, you are!

Kevin: No, no... untrue...

[As Kevin continues his protest, Mark reaches behind the desk and pulls out a bowl of Cheetos, which he hands to Kevin]

Kevin: No... no... hey! Snacks!

Mark: Yes! Snacks!

Kevin: Ballet and snacks! My two passions!

[Kevin begins to stuff the Cheetos down his mouth as Marla tries not too look uncomfortable and turns back to Mark]

Mark: Now, Marla... I know that you may think that Nicole is clumsy and without skill. But I must tell you that unless you have the dance in your heart, skill and technique are useless things to a dancer.

Kevin: It's the same with bowling.

[Kevin offers the bowl of Cheetos to Marla, who looks at it with disgust.]

Mark: Exactly! I think what I'm trying to say Marla is that I found you to be... too much of a perfectionist.

Kevin: [nods while eating] Umm-hmm. Umm-hmm.

Mark: I know Nicole is flawed but look at those eyes, Marla. Those eyes have soul. And I can't bare to think that that won't be given a chance. I'm sorry, Marla, but I can't recommend you for the academy. The spirit of dance is in Nikki!

[Mark turns the tape back on. After a few seconds, Kevin looks up as if in a trance and begins to dance imperfectly, but with great enthusiasm. Eventually he stops in a dramatic pose which ends with him flexing and saying "Eh? Eh?" as if to say "check me out". He then returns to the chair as Mark stops the music]

Mark: You know, with a little work...

Kevin: Well... A lot of work.

Mark: A lot of work, yes... she may go far... but you... I'm afraid that you were never a dancer. I'm sorry if this news has made you unhappy. The sorrow will pass, trust me. And one more thing... [pauses] I'm kidding!

[Mark begins to laugh uproariously]

Mark: I mean, come on! Nicole at the Academy?! Where are your brains, girl?! [laughs]

Kevin: You mean I didn't make it?

Mark: No, of course not! [laughs]

Kevin: Well, to hell with my diet then!

[Kevin grabs the Cheetos and starts hogging the bowl again]

Mark: That's the spirit! That's the champion spirit! Oh God, I need a drink!

[Mark reaches behind his desk and opens a liquor cabinet]

Mark: Nicole? What about you?

Kevin: Sure! Why the hell not? Gimmie a belt!

Mark: [pouring drinks] Oh, I love ballet!

Marla: Mrs. Chadwick?

Mark: Yes dear?

Marla: May I cry?

Mark: Oh please. Go ahead... weep your eyes out!

[Mark and Kevin both stand, each taking a glass]

Mark: Cheers! To the artform! [clinks his glass with Kevin's]

Kevin: To ballet [Kevin pronounces it like "ballot"]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video