Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Devri Richmond
[Mark and Bruce are in a park with Dave. There's a baby carriage. Bruce is standing next to it.]
- Mark- Husband
- Bruce- Wife, Elli
- Dave- Lady with baby
Bruce: May I?
Dave: Oh, please do, please.
[Bruce bends over to talk to the baby.]
Bruce: Ooooh, ooooh, look at it. Isn't- oh, me, me, me, te, se, ze, ze, se, me, me, me, me, me, me, oh. [Does peek-a-boo thing.] Ooooh.
[Bruce laughs, Dave laughs, Bruce continues baby talk.]
Mark: My wife's got a, a whatchamacallit, uh, maternal instinct.
Dave: Oh, I can see that.
Bruce: [Look up.] What a wonderful baby.
Dave: Oh, well, thank you.
Bruce: And smart.
Dave: Yes, I've been told that.
[Bruce looks under blanket.]
Bruce: It's a boy! It's a wonderful smart baby boy!
Bruce: This is the kind I was telling you about.
[Mark looks at the baby.]
Mark: Uh, how many miles on this baby?
Dave: Well, he's five months old, if that's what you mean.
Mark: Yeah. Has he got all his shots and stuff? I mean, is there anything wrong with him? Does he eat a real lot? Does he leak? Or-
[Dave shakes his head.]
Bruce: Oh, look, he's got your eyes, honey.
Mark: Oh, yeah?
Bruce: He's got your eyes.
[Mark looks at baby. Bruce comes up.]
Bruce: You know, first they have their baby teeth.
Bruce: And then they fall out.
Dave: Oh, yes, I know.
Bruce: But I would save those if I were you.
Dave: Oh, well, I-
Bruce: You know, before you know it I bet he'll be wearing 6X.
Dave: Oh, well, God willing.
Bruce: I know a lot about babies because this is the kind of baby I hope to have one day.
Dave: Oh, well, I'm sure you'll have lovely babies someday. Uh, are you pregnant?
Bruce: No, I can't have children of my own.
Dave: Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.
[Mark walks up.]
Mark: Uh, it's not her fault, it's mine. [Smiling.]
Mark: Yeah, I had a vasectomy when I was fourteen. You know, a lot of the guys were doing it, sort of a manly thing, vasectomy, tattoos, that kind of stuff.
Dave: Well, I am sorry.
Mark: Hey! Don't be sorry, I was pretty popular in high school as you can well imagine.
[Bruce laughs, puts arm around Mark's waist. Mark puts his arm around Bruce's shoulder.]
Dave: Well! I really must be going now.
[Dave starts to leave with the carriage. Mark stops it with his foot.]
Mark: Hey! I don't think my woman's done with your baby yet.
Bruce: No, I'm not.
Dave: But I have to go.
Mark: Great! Then she can leave the baby here with us.
Bruce: Oh, would you? That would be great, we could play, and sing, oh-
Dave: No, no, I don't think that's such a good idea.
Mark: Wait. Are you telling me that you don't think my woman's good with children?
Dave: No, that's not what I'm saying, no, it's just that I really have to go.
[Bruce picks up the baby.]
Bruce: They call them bouncing baby boys but they don't bounce, you know.
Dave: [Tries to grab the baby.] Please-
Bruce: They just plop. [Bruce and Mark laugh.] Don't you find that out the hard way.
Dave: Please, my baby, please-
[Mark holds Dave back.]
Mark: Hey, come on, excuse me, excuse me, honey, is this the one or not?
Bruce: I'm not sure. The other one was so nice too. Um... Dave: He has an inner ear dysfunction!
Dave: He has an inner ear dysfunction. The doctor said it could result in a forty- percent loss of hearing, and they think there's something wrong with his neck, something terribly wrong with his NECK!
Mark: Huh. Well, buy or beware, honey.
Bruce: I think she's just saying that.
Dave: No, it's true.
Bruce: I have a very good feeling about this child. I think this is the one that-
Mark: Yeah, yeah, but that's what you said about the Vega GT. Remember that rotten car?
Dave: Listen, give me back my baby.
[Mark holds Dave back.]
Bruce: Does it have your name on it?
Dave: Give me back my baby!
Mark: Hey, look, stop it!
[The baby starts crying.]
Bruce: Go to sleep, go to sleep.
[Mark grabs the baby.]
Mark: No, just, give it to me, give it to me, there's only one way to settle this. Okay? We'll let the baby decide.
Dave: [Tries to grab baby.] What? Oh, give me back!
[Mark kicks Dave away.]
Mark: Okay little guy. Which one of these nice women would you like to be your mom?
[A hand comes out.]
Bruce: Pick me, pick me, pick me.
Dave: No pick me. Mommy's here, mommy's here!
Bruce: Pick me! Pick me!
Dave: Come on!
Bruce: Jinx, jinx, jinx, jinx.
[They both mumble a whole bunch. Baby points to Dave. Dave grabs the baby and runs away.]
Mark: What? Fair's fair, Elli. [Turns.] Hey look! Hey! She left the carriage! Hey look at this! Come on, we can throw some blankets in there, and tell people the bay's sleepin.
Bruce: I don't think we'll ever have a baby.
Mark: It's God's will.
Bruce: I feel empty.
Mark: You are.