Baby

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Devri Richmond
Cast: [Mark and Bruce are in a park with Dave. There's a baby carriage. Bruce is standing next to it.]

Bruce: May I?

Dave: Oh, please do, please.

[Bruce bends over to talk to the baby.]

Bruce: Ooooh, ooooh, look at it. Isn't- oh, me, me, me, te, se, ze, ze, se, me, me, me, me, me, me, oh. [Does peek-a-boo thing.] Ooooh.

[Bruce laughs, Dave laughs, Bruce continues baby talk.]

Mark: My wife's got a, a whatchamacallit, uh, maternal instinct.

Dave: Oh, I can see that.

Bruce: [Look up.] What a wonderful baby.

Dave: Oh, well, thank you.

Bruce: And smart.

Dave: Yes, I've been told that.

[Bruce looks under blanket.]

Bruce: It's a boy! It's a wonderful smart baby boy!

Mark: Yeah?

Bruce: This is the kind I was telling you about.

[Mark looks at the baby.]

Mark: Uh, how many miles on this baby?

Dave: Well, he's five months old, if that's what you mean.

Mark: Yeah. Has he got all his shots and stuff? I mean, is there anything wrong with him? Does he eat a real lot? Does he leak? Or-

[Dave shakes his head.]

Bruce: Oh, look, he's got your eyes, honey.

Mark: Oh, yeah?

Bruce: He's got your eyes.

[Mark looks at baby. Bruce comes up.]

Bruce: You know, first they have their baby teeth.

Dave: Yes.

Bruce: And then they fall out.

Dave: Oh, yes, I know.

Bruce: But I would save those if I were you.

Dave: Oh, well, I-

Bruce: You know, before you know it I bet he'll be wearing 6X.

Dave: Oh, well, God willing.

Bruce: I know a lot about babies because this is the kind of baby I hope to have one day.

Dave: Oh, well, I'm sure you'll have lovely babies someday. Uh, are you pregnant?

Bruce: No, I can't have children of my own.

Dave: Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.

[Mark walks up.]

Mark: Uh, it's not her fault, it's mine. [Smiling.]

Dave: Oh.

Mark: Yeah, I had a vasectomy when I was fourteen. You know, a lot of the guys were doing it, sort of a manly thing, vasectomy, tattoos, that kind of stuff.

Dave: Well, I am sorry.

Mark: Hey! Don't be sorry, I was pretty popular in high school as you can well imagine.

[Bruce laughs, puts arm around Mark's waist. Mark puts his arm around Bruce's shoulder.]

Dave: Well! I really must be going now.

[Dave starts to leave with the carriage. Mark stops it with his foot.]

Mark: Hey! I don't think my woman's done with your baby yet.

Bruce: No, I'm not.

Dave: But I have to go.

Mark: Great! Then she can leave the baby here with us.

Bruce: Oh, would you? That would be great, we could play, and sing, oh-

Dave: No, no, I don't think that's such a good idea.

Mark: Wait. Are you telling me that you don't think my woman's good with children?

Dave: No, that's not what I'm saying, no, it's just that I really have to go.

[Bruce picks up the baby.]

Bruce: They call them bouncing baby boys but they don't bounce, you know.

Dave: [Tries to grab the baby.] Please-

Bruce: They just plop. [Bruce and Mark laugh.] Don't you find that out the hard way.

Dave: Please, my baby, please-

[Mark holds Dave back.]

Mark: Hey, come on, excuse me, excuse me, honey, is this the one or not?

Bruce: I'm not sure. The other one was so nice too. Um... Dave: He has an inner ear dysfunction!

Bruce: What?

Dave: He has an inner ear dysfunction. The doctor said it could result in a forty- percent loss of hearing, and they think there's something wrong with his neck, something terribly wrong with his NECK!

Mark: Huh. Well, buy or beware, honey.

Bruce: I think she's just saying that.

Dave: No, it's true.

Bruce: I have a very good feeling about this child. I think this is the one that-

Mark: Yeah, yeah, but that's what you said about the Vega GT. Remember that rotten car?

Dave: Listen, give me back my baby.

Bruce: No!

[Mark holds Dave back.]

Dave: Just-

Bruce: Does it have your name on it?

Dave: Give me back my baby!

Mark: Hey, look, stop it!

[The baby starts crying.]

Bruce: Go to sleep, go to sleep.

[Mark grabs the baby.]

Mark: No, just, give it to me, give it to me, there's only one way to settle this. Okay? We'll let the baby decide.

Dave: [Tries to grab baby.] What? Oh, give me back!

[Mark kicks Dave away.]

Mark: Okay little guy. Which one of these nice women would you like to be your mom?

[A hand comes out.]

Bruce: Pick me, pick me, pick me.

Dave: No pick me. Mommy's here, mommy's here!

Bruce: Pick me! Pick me!

Dave: Come on!

Bruce: Jinx, jinx, jinx, jinx.

[They both mumble a whole bunch. Baby points to Dave. Dave grabs the baby and runs away.]

Bruce: Aaaaaaaaah.

Mark: What? Fair's fair, Elli. [Turns.] Hey look! Hey! She left the carriage! Hey look at this! Come on, we can throw some blankets in there, and tell people the bay's sleepin.

Bruce: I don't think we'll ever have a baby.

Mark: It's God's will.

Bruce: I feel empty.

Mark: You are.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video