Apollo, The Rude

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
Cast: [In a small diner. Kevin is cleaning up, washing dishes. Scott enters. Mark follows -- he has an attitude through the whole skit; he's wearing a biker jacket and checks out the place.]

Scott: Hi Tony!

Kevin: Felix! Hi, how are you?

Scott: Pretty good, how you doin'?

Kevin: Pretty good, you know, same old grind.

Scott: Yeah? You ready for the movie?

Kevin: Yeah, I just close up the diner in 15 minutes and let's go see that movie.

Scott: [eager] Okay, let's go.

Kevin: [notices Mark] Oh, excuse me for a sec. Uh, can I help you sir?

Mark: What?

Scott: Oh God, I'm sorry. This is Apollo. Yeah.

Kevin: *This* is Apollo.

Scott: Yeah, he's-he's with us. He's comin' to the movie with us, okay?

Kevin: Great. That's great, sure.

Scott: Okay, Apollo? I want you to meet my buddy Tony.

Mark: Hi.

Kevin: Hi, Apollo, pleased to meet you.

[Kevin extends his hand to shake Mark's. Mark doesn't take it, Scott nervously giggles.]

Mark: What do I look like? A businessman? Save that for businessmen, I'm not a businessman.

[Scott laughs, Kevin follows.]

Scott: Funny guy, huh?

Kevin: Yeah, he is.

Mark: [imitating Kevin] "Yeah, he is."

[Kevin's reactions show he doesn't know what to make of Mark.]

Scott: [looking through the paper] Okay you guys, what do you wanna go see? I got the listings right here.

Mark: I'm easy.

Scott: Yeah?

Kevin: Well, I'm easy. You know me, I'll see anything labeled "movie."

Scott: Okayyy, hey, how 'bout we go see "High Stakes?"

Kevin: Oh! I would love to see "High Stakes." Yes, I've heard--I've heard nothing but great things about it. I heard it's like the best action movie since "Die Hard."

Scott: Okay.

Kevin: Yeah, definitely "High Stakes."

Scott: Let's go. Let's go to see "High Stakes."

Mark: Excuse me. Who told you that it was a good movie?

[Scott laughs. Kevin reacts to being put on the spot.]

Kevin: People.

Mark: Sorry, what people?

Kevin: People come to the diner a-after the movie t-to have a milkshake and a burger. And they...talk about the movie, articulately sometimes. Yeah, intelligent people come here to the diner, sure. Yeah yeah.

Mark: Yeah really? Well, apparently not. Yeah, I mean, I've seen it; it's a piece of crap.

Scott: [disappointed] Oh! You've seen it.

Mark: Yeah. Sorry, that's what I was trying to say, I was just taking the long way around.

Scott: Oh, that would be dumb, then; I mean, he's seen it, you know? Soo...

Kevin: Look, do you guys wanna see a movie?

Scott: Yeah!

Kevin: It doesn't sound like you wanna see a movie. You don't sound too movie enthusiastic.

Scott: Tony. Tony, what is with you? You are Mr. Movie.

Kevin: Well, I don't have to see a movie every night of my life. I can go home and read a book; I could be Mr. Book, I guess.

Scott: Jeez. Ah! I got it -- Woody Allen.

[Kevin isn't too enthusiastic.]

Scott: Woody Allen! There's a Woody Allen film festival in town.

Kevin: [Still not enthusiastic, Scott drowns him out. It's hard to distinguish.] Well, I like Woody Allen. Well, I like Woody Allen. You know I'll see any movie with Woody Allen.

Scott: You love Woody Allen!

Kevin: [nervous] I love Woody Allen, it's really up to you guys.

Scott: Why don't we go see Woody Allen?

Mark: You *like* Woody Allen?

[Kevin nervous reacts.]

Mark: Huh?

Kevin: [after long pause] Yeah, I like Woody Allen.

Mark: Oh?

Kevin: I uh *love* Woody Allen.

Mark: Oh?

Kevin: Yeah. I think a lot of important film critics, though they don't come here to the *diner,* would probably agree with me that he's the number one comedy genius of--

Mark: Genius?!

Kevin: Yeah genius...of the past twenty years. Yeah, I love Woody Allen.

Mark: Yeah? So? I totally agree.

[Kevin can't believe he just had to go through the justification.]

Scott: Great. Well, Woody Allen it is then.

Mark: Yeah, let's go see the genius.

[Again, Kevin reacts.]

Scott: Okay, it doesn't start for about a half an hour. I'm starved. Got somethin' to eat around here?

Kevin: I guess I got some cheese sandwiches left. . .

Scott: [takes a sandwich out of the fridge for him and Mark and sits back down] Oh great, I love these! Oh wow, Apollo, here, have one of these babies. I love your cheese sandwiches. What is it you do again?

[Mark unwraps his and picks at it.]

Kevin: Oh, well, you know, I do a few things. I butter *both* sides of the bread. And of course, I pre-grill the cheese; I find that brings out the essence of the whole cheese flavor. Sorta helps the entire cheese affair.

[Mark closes it back up and tosses it to the counter near Kevin. It falls off. Kevin is horrified and just points at it on the ground.]

Mark: No thanks. I mean, no thanks to the cheese sandwich. I'd just rather not eat a cheese sandwich right now, if that's okay.

[Kevin's still pointing.]

Mark: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw it on the floor. I missed; that'll happen. I don't think a court in the world will convict me.

Scott: Noo. Noo.

Mark: Good. Well, woof, that's weight off my mind. . . . I'm sorry, I know that's your specialty and everything. You have a great time up there, buttering both sides of the bread. I mean, I'm sure you're gonna go far with that thing; ride that rocket, baby.

[Kevin nervously reacts.]

Mark: What are you doin' with your eyes? What is that? That's buggin' me. Do you mind?

[pause]

Kevin: All right, who is he? I wanna know, who is he?

Scott: Apollo.

Kevin: Oh no, I know who he is. I wanna know -- who does he *think* he is? Huh? Who do you think you are?!

Mark: Alright, listen--

Kevin: No! Who do you think you *are*? You're obviously someone very important to come into my establishment and treat me like I was the scum ya scrap off the tomato soup!

[Mark tries, unsuccessfully, to interject.]

Kevin: No no! No, you're obviously from a very rich, important family. Maybe your uncle invented something great -- like the toaster?! You little piece of crap! [gets really worked up] I know who you are!! *I* know who you are!! You're just another bully. Like the guy on the streetcar today who took me away from the window seat because, "I like the window seat." You little piece of...jerk! Let me tell you something--

[No Mark has the nervous, clueless look on his face.]

Kevin: Look at me!! Look at me!! Let me tell you something -- I am going to college. And, I'm studying Journalism! And when I *graduate* in two years, I'll be working for the best paper in the city! And you'll still be coming to places like this, picking on people like me. You little piece of crap! Jerk! Crap! Who do you think you are?! Who! Do you think! You! Are?!

[Scott buries his head in his hands. Mark gets up to leave.]

Scott: Wha?

Mark: I don't think your friend likes me very much.

Scott: Ohh! No. He didn't mean nothin'.

Mark: He didn't mean nothin'?! Then, what the hell was that?!

Scott: Hey, Tone--he's-he's okay, eh Tone?

Kevin: No, he's an asshole!

Mark: You're the asshole!

Kevin: You're the asshole!

Mark: You're the asshole!

Kevin: You're the asshole!

Mark: Asshole!

Kevin: Asshoooolllle!!

Mark: [to Scott] I blame you.

Scott: What?

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: Me? Wha?

[Mark leaves.]

Scott: Okay, what the hell was that all about?

Kevin: He's a total creep--

Scott: No, no. You rode him the moment he came in here.

Kevin: Are you blind?!

Scott: Yeah. No, I'm not blind. What are ya starin' at? You're lookin' at my birthmark, aren't you?

Kevin: Just for a second. . .

Scott: Forget the movie. I mean it.

Kevin: Oh, c'mon.

Scott: Screw Woody Allen. [leaves.]

Kevin: What? [yell after him] You never understood "Interiors!" [to camera] I don't know, was it me?


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video