Apathetic Robbery

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
Cast- [Dave sits watching TV. He's flipping through channels and ends up stopping on a music station. The Talking Heads or Talking Heads-esque music plays for much of the skit.]

[Scott enters through window. He's carrying a garbage bag.]

[All dialogue said with no feeling. Mostly whining.]

Scott: Okay homeowner, you're being robbed.

Dave: Oh, great.

Scott: Where's all your valuables?

Dave: Everything's over there on the shelves.

[Scott looks over at shelves filled with knickknacks.]

Scott: It's so far.

Dave: Oh, I'm sorry.

Scott: All right. [Starts swiping the knickknacks into the back.]

Dave: [getting up] Well, I suppose having wholeheartedly swallowed the male myths of our culture, I'll be forced to protect my belongings.

Scott: Don't try to stop me!

Dave: Yeah, right. Please don't take them, they're all I have in the world.

Scott: Well [drops bad down] now you've done it. I'll be forced to respond with violence. . .cuz that's all I know. [Scott starts to slap Dave, but it's more of tapping.] Take that Ivy-League Boy.

Dave: Ow. Ow. Stop. Ow. Ow-ow. Stop. Oh stop. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Scott stops.]

Scott: Ohh.

Dave: I think I should warn you. . .that I took a course in self defense and I have I move you cannot possibly get past.

Scott: Make it fast.

[Dave gets ready by shaking his hands out. Then he raise one hand and extends it out to the front, palm up. Scott looks at it and walks forward. The hand bends a bit but has stopped him. Dave starts picking lint off his sweater with his other hand. Scott tries again, fails again. Scott thinks for a second.]

Scott: Hatcha! [He does a slight karate chop...well, he pushes the arm from the side...moving it out of the way.]

Dave: Oh great.

Scott: Street smarts wins again. Let the pummeling continue.

[Starts "slapping" again.]

Dave: Ow. Oh, would you stop? Ow. Stop. I'm asking you to stop. Just stop. [Gives a "slap" to Scott.]

Scott: [stops and points to his "injured" shoulder.] Ow.

[Dave is making his way to the window.]

Scott: Oh, don't call for help.

Dave: Oh, well you leave me precious little alternative.

Scott: Oh...

Dave: Help. Police. Bein' robbed.

Kevin: Coming.

Scott: Well, now you've driven me into a homicidal frenzy.

Dave: Like I care.

[Scott now slap-taps Dave's head.]

Dave: Ow. Wouldja just stop it?

[Kevin enters silently through the door, walks across the room (past Dave and Scott),sits down, and points his gun at them. Meanwhile Dave is now slap-tapping Scott.]

Scott: Oh, why don't you?

Dave: Oh, well I asked you.

Kevin: `Scuse me.

Scott: What? Are you going to debate, because you went to college?

Dave: This has nothing to do with my education.

Scott: Oh, exactly, just because I was educated on the street. . .

Kevin: [loud enough to be heard over Scott and Dave, but not a yell] Freeze! Police.

[Scott and Dave stop. Scott turns around...he is in front of Dave.]

Scott: I've got a hostage, copper.

[Dave has his head on Scott's shoulder, falling asleep.]

Kevin: Then perhaps you'd better get on the other side of him, sir.

Scott: Oh.

[Scott moves behind Dave; Dave about falls onto the floor but wakes up in time.]

Kevin: Don't force me to shoot. I'm a crack shot. I can take your eye out.

Scott: Do your best. [just about hugging Dave.]

Kevin: Not from here, of course. [Sighs. Gets up. Walks right up to the two. Inches away, he shoves the gun into Scott's cheek.] That's better!

Scott: [knocks gun out of Kevin's hand] Hotcha!

[The gun is near the chair Kevin was sitting in.]

Kevin: Great, he got my gun.

All: Scramble.

[Kevin is in front. Scott pulls him by the shirt away.]

Kevin: Sir, not the police shirt, sir. Please.

[Kevin gets in front and is pulled away again.]

Kevin: Oh, so close yet so far.

[Scott picks up the gun.]

Kevin: Sir, yoo-hoo I'm here sir. Here sir, yoo-hoo. I grow bored of this, let's fight mano a mano.

Scott: Fists to cuffs?

Kevin: Uh-huh.

[Both get in exaggerated boxing stances. Scott takes one huge swing, Kevin ducks.]

Kevin: Give up?

Scott: What choice do I have?

[Kevin takes out cuffs. He holds one side, Scott holds the other. Meanwhile Dave is back watching tv.]

Kevin: None. You have the right to blah blah blah. Sorry about all the noise, sir.

[They begin to leave.]

Dave: Oh that's all right.

[Kevin flicks Scott's hair with a finger.]

Scott: Hey, police brutality.

Kevin and Dave: Shut up.


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video