How Businessmen Relax

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[An office. Dave is behind the desk, talking on the phone as Kevin sits in front of his desk waiting.]

Dave: Okay, w-well how is that possible? How- how is that possible? I was guaranteed delivery by today. W-w-w-w-w-w-w-well, who is in charge of shipping and receiving down there? Who is that? Okay, hold on, hold on- okay, I am writing that name down, alright, and now I'm taking that sheet of paper and I'm throwing it away, he no longer works for this company. Do you understand me? He no longer works here. What? No no no no no no no no, no, no, no, no, don't tell him right away, don't tell him right away, no, no, I want you to find out what school his children go to, I want you to have them paged and have them told that their father has been fired, "daddy's been fired," d'you understand? That is how I would like him to find out, yes, d'you understand? Thank you, thank you.

[Dave hangs up the phone and looks at Kevin.]

Dave: Steve, I would like you to pick at random the name of any employee of this company, write it down on this sheet of paper [handing him paper and a pen], pass it back to me, and I'll have them fired.

Kevin: You're feeling a bit tense, aren't you Dan?

Dave: Yes, I am feeling just a little bit tense, Steve.

Kevin: Whadya say we take a little break, go down to the gym and relax?

Dave: That is a good idea.

[Cut to Dave and Kevin entering a gym with duffle bags in hand. Cut to the locker room, where we see shots of them changing into their gym clothes. They walk out of the locker room and into a gym, where they assume a strip-search position against the far wall. A big man enters holding a cat o' nine tails. He walks over to them, rips off their shirts, and begins whipping them. Both men wince, and their hands slip a bit on the wall, but they grit their teeth and bear it.]

[Cut to the shower. We see their legs from the knees down, and both of them groan in pain as blood runs down their legs and down the drain. Cut to Dave and Kevin facedown on massage tables, covered by towels from the waist down. They prop themselves up on their elbows to talk, as men work over them applying ointment to their backs. As they speak, the volume of their voices changes as they wince in pain.]

Kevin: So, what'd you get up to today?

Dave: Forty lashes.

Kevin: Hey, that's a PERsonal BEST, isn't it?

Dave: Oh, you bet.

Kevin: CongratulaTIONS.

Dave: Thanks. I hope to be up to fifty by next WEEK.

Kevin: Don't push too hard. Remember, the beauty of this is THAT IT'S not competitive.

[We see an overhead shot of their backs, which are severely gauged and bloody. Cut to both men standing in Dave's office.]

Kevin: So, you feeling better, Dan?

Dave: Oh, much, thanks Steve.

Kevin: By the way, here's that name you asked for.

[Kevin hands Dave a slip of paper. Dave glances at it.]

Dave: Oh, oh, I'd completely forgotten about that. [calling out the office door] Mr. Rashford?

[Scott enters.]

Dave: Mr. Rashford, you're fired.

[Dave and Kevin laugh. Unsure how to react, Scott joins in. Dave and Kevin stop laughing.]

Dave: No, I'm serious, pack your things and be out in half an hour.

[Scott leaves, and they start laughing again. Kevin accidentally claps Dave on the back, and Dave goes wide-eyed with shock and pain.]

Kevin: Sorry, sorry.

Dave: It's alright. You see his face?

[They both start laughing again. Kevin claps Dave on the back again, and Dave winces in pain.]

Dave: Stop it.

Kevin: Sorry.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video