Pizza Shop Threat

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura Cihocki
Cast- [Kevin is rolling dough in a pizza parlor. Bruce bursts in, followed by Mark.]

Kevin: Can I help you?

Bruce: Yes. Hee-yahhhw! [Fakes karate-like movements.]

Mark: Don't--Don't hit him. Don't hit him, Sue! And, god, if you do hit him, don't kill him!

Kevin: Can I help you?

Bruce: Yes. Do you serve slices here? [He grabs a slice from the counter and holds it up.]

Kevin: Yessir.

Bruce: Then this must be the place!

[Bruce goes over and hugs Mark.]

Mark: Oh, god, my brave protector!

Bruce: My pregnant angel! But I gotta do a little business. [He cracks his back and advances on Kevin again.]

Mark: No, don't....

Bruce: It seems that someone in your establishment made an off-color remark to my common-law bride-to-be. And I want satisfaction!

Kevin: Someone here?

Bruce: Yes! That's what I said! Is there an echo in here? Now, baby, if you can see the person, or persons, that...swore at you, I want you to point him out to me now.

[Mark shrugs, then points at Kevin.]

Kevin: Oh, no! No no no no. No no. Uh-uh, no!

Bruce: Whuh-oh! It seems she pointed out you, my friend!

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: I guess the firm hand of justice is about to make a fist! Hee-yow!

Kevin: I think your friend is, uh, mistaken. I just came here an hour ago.

Bruce: Are you calling the woman I love--and would die for--a liar?

Kevin: Oh, no. No no no no. I just think that she's, uh, honestly mistaken.

Bruce: [grabbing Kevin by the shirt] I saw her point you out. Are you calling ME a liar?

Kevin: Oh, no, not in the least!

Mark: I'm not the liar. I'm not the liar, Sue. I'm not the liar. He's the liar! He's the freakin' frack of a liar!

Bruce: My baby! [He runs over to hug Mark's belly.]

Mark: Look at him sitting there, though...He's lying at us on his....[Bruce clears a table by sweeping everything on it to the floor, then helps Mark sit on it]...oh, Sweetness, I am sore, terrible sore.

Kevin: [quietly] Oh, dear lord.

Bruce: What? I heard you that time! Don't you know if you swear at a pregnant lady, that the baby will grow up swearing? It happened to me.

Mark: Yeah, ya stupid [censored]

Kevin: [hesitantly] Look, if someone in this establishment said something to your...common-law bride-to-be, then we should...fill out a complaint form, and let's...nail this turkey! [He pulls out a piece of paper.]

Bruce: I'm not a man of words; I'm a man of action! [He takes the paper from Kevin, bites it, then tosses it away and turns to Mark.] You're my sunflower! [He turns back to Kevin and points.] And you're a dead man!

Kevin: Just a college student!

Bruce: Don't go braggin'! I'm gonna turn around and take off my jacket.

Mark: Oh, no, not the jacket, baby!

Kevin: The jacket?

Bruce: Yes. I'm gonna take my jacket off and kick the livin' life outta you! It's jacket time!

[Bruce pulls his jacket off, revealing a Led Zeppelin t-shirt.]

Kevin: Hey, man...I like Led Zeppelin!

Bruce: What?

Kevin: I like Led...Zeppelin! Boy, they could rock!

Bruce: Do you like George Thorogood?

Kevin: Oh, yeah! They sure can boogie!

Bruce: He's talkin' to me, baby...

Mark: Well, maybe you shouldn't kill him like you planned.

Bruce: I don't know!....Change of plans, I'm not gonna kill ya; we're buds for life.

Kevin: Yes, yes! Buds for life! [He laughs.]

Bruce: Oh, baby. [He hugs Mark's belly again.]

Mark: Hey, you know what? I think our luck is changing!

Bruce: Yeah.

Mark: I think once you get that car off blocks, we're ready for a family!

Bruce: Yeah.

Kevin: Hey, how about a free slice of pizza?

Mark: Sure!

Bruce: What?

Kevin: A complimentary slice of pizza--one each!

Bruce: So you think I'm too small to support my family?

[Bruce pulls the change from his pocket and throws it on the floor.]

Mark: Oh, not the baby's college money!

Bruce: You betrayed my family! I trusted you! I loved you! Now I'm gonna pummel you! [He takes his jacket off again.] The jacket's off!

Mark: The jacket's off!

Kevin: The jacket!

Bruce: Next stop: Hell!

[Yelling, Bruce runs toward Kevin. Kevin grabs a pizza pan off the counter and holds it up in front of himself so that Bruce runs into it headfirst.]

Bruce: [dizzily] Last call for...alcohol. [He collapses.]

Mark: Sue! Get up, Sue! Talk to me, baby! Great, he's a vegetable. [He turns to Kevin.] You did this! And me with a baby on the way! Well, fine, you'll support us. For the rest of our lives!

Kevin: Huh?

Mark: Yeah, come on, give me your apartment keys. Where do you live at? I'll be there when you get off work. Where are they?

Bruce: I'm not a vegetable. [He gets up.] I'm not a vegetable.

Mark: Oh, baby. Oh, baby.

Bruce: You're a dead man.

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: I'll be back.

Mark: He'll be back. And if he dies, I'll be back!

[Mark and Bruce head slowly for the door.]

Kevin: Oh, dear God.

Bruce: [mumbling] You're dead. You're dead. [He and Mark leave.]

[Kevin distractedly wads up some dough and sticks it into the oven in a ball.]

Kevin: It's ready...


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video