Bruce: The Voices

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Bruce is seated in a chair on a fairly empty set. There is a window behind him and curtains that blow around at the appropriate times.]

Bruce: Sometimes this city is hard work. Sometimes this pothole-filled, puddle-ridden city is a screeching yoodle of madness. . .Maybe I should explain.

Last week, as I was coming home from getting my paper plates done at the dry cleaner [holds one up] --they do a wonderful job, but sometimes they use too much starch [hits the plate on his chair and it breaks] --and as I was coming home, I looked up to the muffler shop, and above it I noticed that the horizon started to shift. [Pyscho-esque music begins] I stood and watched as I saw the buildings and burger joints begin to swirl and collapse into a whitewater river of Armageddon. [scene in window--rushing waterfall] Huh, God, I hadn't noticed that before!

And then a tingle in my spine and it shook. It sense the sour scream of the voices. The. . .voices!

Dave as Voice-Over: [sounding like the Cabbie who delivers at rush hour] Hey there, buddy. How ya goin'? How's it doin' there, bud? How ya been?

Bruce: [terrified look on his face] What beast from Hell is stalking me? Why is there no stillness in this volcano? Do the voices crave the marrow from my bones? Do the voices wanna gargle the last vestiges of my sanity and swallow it like so much flavorless gum? What is wanted by the voices?

Dave as Voice-Over: I just thought we'd sit. Yak. You know, sit. Yak. Watch some TV. Whaddya say, huh, chief?

Bruce: Uhh!!! . . .[continues as Dave talks]

Dave as Voice-Over: I never get bored of them rock videas.

Bruce: I must escape. I must distance myself. . .from. . .the. . .voices. [scene in window--fast speed traffic] So, I drive. Speed. Night. Wind through my brain. . .cleansing me. . .of. . .the. . .voices. The. . .voices!

Dave as Voice-Over:[singing] Oh bus driver, speed up a little bit. Speed up a little bit. Speed up a little bit.

Bruce: Uh!!! I. . .must. . .trick. . .the voices. [calm] Boy, I-I've had a long day. I'm really tired. I-I could use some sleep.

Dave as Voice-Over: [happily] Okay! I can take a hint. Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. [pause] Sure you don't wanna go get a pizza, huh?

Bruce: Yes. . .I'm. . .sure.

Dave as Voice-Over: Okay, see ya!

Bruce: [waits for a second] The voices are gone. And I can sleep. But, for how long? Eight hours? Ten hours? Why would the bedbugs bite? Aren't they my friends?

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video