Tarzan

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura Cihocki
Cast: [An office of typical, suited businessmen. Kevin sits at a computer, typing and occasionally loosening his tie.]

Kevin: Does anyone know how spell "telecommunications?"

Dave: Gee, that's a tough one! Hmm!

[Dave gets up from his desk and comes over to stand next to Kevin.]

Kevin: Does word have one "m" or two "m"'s?

Dave: Uhh, two "m"'s.

Kevin: Hmmm. Me thought so, but look funny on paper.

Dave: Tell me something...Tarzan--

Kevin: Yes?

Dave: Now that you're a big success in the business world, do you ever...miss the jungle?

Kevin: Hmmm....Well, Jerry, business world lot like jungle. Only now, water cooler is great pond...Friday report like bad juju, and Mr. Blanchard like...Chief Apawannahanti! Only thing different now is steady check.

[Dave nods.]

Kevin: Tarzan make joke.

Dave: Oh, yeah?

Kevin: Cheetah would laugh.

[Bruce enters.]

Bruce: You wanted to see me, Mr. Tarzan?

Kevin: Yes, Bellamy...this hardest part of job. You fire.

Bruce: I'm...fire, sir?

Kevin: You mock King of Jungle one too many times! Sorry, Bellamy. Must let go.

Bruce: But, sir, I have a wife and children to support...

Kevin: Boo hoo hoo. [Kevin rubs a thumb and finger together.] You know what Tarzan do?

Bruce: No.

Kevin: He play world's tiniest violin. Now take walk, before Tarzan throw through wall! [A safari hunter appears, aiming a rifle around the office. Kevin grabs the gun and breaks it in half.] Death stick bad! White hunter go! [A gorilla enters, and a woman screams.] Tarzan thought smell something funny in wind!

[Kevin and gorilla wrestle throughout most the the rest of the sketch.]

Mark (V.O.): [reading text that appears on-screen] Dear Viewer, We here at the Kids in the Hall feel it's important to note that we wrote this sketch at the request of CBS. It's the kind of idea they laugh very hard at.

[a photo of a man in suit and glasses is shown]

Mark (V.O.): In fact, one executive said, quote, Why don't you do the kind of scene that they did in the Sonny & Cher Show? Now that was funny. Unquote.

[Back to Kevin and the gorilla fighting.]

Mark (V.O.): So, when you and your friends are together, don't say, "The Kids in the Hall have lost their edge." Say, "The Kids in the Hall have lost their edge, but for a great deal of money, and that's okay."

[Tarzan pins the gorilla, then stands and puts a foot on its chest.]

Kevin: Now is weekend. Time to party with Jane!

[Kevin swings out an office window on a vine, howling.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video