Surrogate

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast- [A bedroom. Kevin is lying in bed. Dave is sitting across the room in a chair.]

Kevin: Sandra, how come you never....you know?

Dave: I don't know, I just...I don't like it.

Kevin: Why not?

Dave: I don't know, I guess it doesn't feel right, I don't know.

Kevin: Oral sex....is important to a man's sense of pride. It's part of God's plan.

Dave: Look, drop it ok?

[Angelic music starts to play. A bright light comes from the window. Scott, dressed completely in white including a white cape, is standing on the windowsill.]

Kevin: Geez! It's the friggin' Village People! [cowers]

Scott: Do not be afraid my children. I come in peace.

Dave: Who are you?

Scott: I'm an angel. [comes down onto the floor.] My name is Bob. I'm here to help you through your sex crisis.

Dave: Yeah, and how?

Scott: Well, let's just say that I am an angelic surrogate.

Kevin: [shaking] There's no such thing as angels.

Scott: No? Well, what would you call someone who flew around the world performing oral sex on men for free?

Kevin: An angel.

Scott: I thought you'd see it my way. Alex Chapman: prepare to meet your destiny!

[Scott dives onto the bed and lunges toward Kevin's...er...crotch area.]

Kevin: Hey! I'm not gay.

Scott: Well that doesn't matter.

Dave: Wait a minute! Are you trying to do my husband?

[Scott gets off Kevin and sits on the bed.]

Scott: Well, I prefer to call it sexual healing.

Dave: Well this I gotta see. But one question: are a lot of angels gay?

[Scott strands up.]

Scott: Well, let's just say that a lot of us used to be waiters.

Dave: Well you know, my gay friend Stephen says that he prefers to give than to receive.

Scott: Oh! Well that's because your friend Stephen is also an angel.

Dave: Ohhh...

Scott: Yes that's right. There's millions of angels like that all over the world--doing unto others what they would have others to unto them. We try harder, Alex, because we know how it feels.

Kevin: Wow, what a moving speech.

[Scott takes his cape off.]

Scott: Buckle up, mortal.

[Scott makes a flying motion towards the bed.]

Kevin: Hey, I told you. I'm strictly for the ladies.

Scott: Do you believe that I am an angel?

Kevin: Yeah.

Scott: Then close your eyes and believe!

[Scott puts his head under the sheets and speaks in a high-pitched girly voice.]

Scott: Hello! Hi, my name's Suzy. I would love to do you!

Kevin: All right Suzy! [Kevin gets a very happy look on his face.]

[Some time has passed. Kevin is hanging off the foot of the bed, sweating to death. Scott is standing there blowing in his fingers. Dave is sitting in the chair.]

Dave: Thanks, Bob. I really learned a lot tonight.

Scott: It was my pleasure Sandra.

Dave: Oh, one question: Is he gonna be able to make it to work in the morning.

Scott: Not a chance. Gotta go.

[Scott jumps on the windowsill.]

Dave: We *will* see you again, won't we?

Scott: Oh yeah. All you have to do is whistle. You know how to whistle, don't you? Put your lips together and....I'll handle the rest.

[Scott leaves and the angelic music begins to play.]

[Kevin puts his head up]

Kevin: All right Suzy!

[Kevin's head falls again.]

[Scott is on the ground outside the house. He he turns his spotlight off. Then he presses the stop button on a boom box and the angelic music stops. He grabs his things, and goes.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video