Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
[A bedroom. Kevin is lying in bed. Dave is sitting across the room in a chair.]
- Scott- Bob the "Angel"
- Kevin- Alex Chapman
- Dave- Sandra Chapman
Kevin: Sandra, how come you never....you know?
Dave: I don't know, I just...I don't like it.
Kevin: Why not?
Dave: I don't know, I guess it doesn't feel right, I don't know.
Kevin: Oral sex....is important to a man's sense of pride. It's part of God's plan.
Dave: Look, drop it ok?
[Angelic music starts to play. A bright light comes from the window. Scott, dressed completely in white including a white cape, is standing on the windowsill.]
Kevin: Geez! It's the friggin' Village People! [cowers]
Scott: Do not be afraid my children. I come in peace.
Dave: Who are you?
Scott: I'm an angel. [comes down onto the floor.] My name is Bob. I'm here to help you through your sex crisis.
Dave: Yeah, and how?
Scott: Well, let's just say that I am an angelic surrogate.
Kevin: [shaking] There's no such thing as angels.
Scott: No? Well, what would you call someone who flew around the world performing oral sex on men for free?
Kevin: An angel.
Scott: I thought you'd see it my way. Alex Chapman: prepare to meet your destiny!
[Scott dives onto the bed and lunges toward Kevin's...er...crotch area.]
Kevin: Hey! I'm not gay.
Scott: Well that doesn't matter.
Dave: Wait a minute! Are you trying to do my husband?
[Scott gets off Kevin and sits on the bed.]
Scott: Well, I prefer to call it sexual healing.
Dave: Well this I gotta see. But one question: are a lot of angels gay?
[Scott strands up.]
Scott: Well, let's just say that a lot of us used to be waiters.
Dave: Well you know, my gay friend Stephen says that he prefers to give than to receive.
Scott: Oh! Well that's because your friend Stephen is also an angel.
Scott: Yes that's right. There's millions of angels like that all over the world--doing unto others what they would have others to unto them. We try harder, Alex, because we know how it feels.
Kevin: Wow, what a moving speech.
[Scott takes his cape off.]
Scott: Buckle up, mortal.
[Scott makes a flying motion towards the bed.]
Kevin: Hey, I told you. I'm strictly for the ladies.
Scott: Do you believe that I am an angel?
Scott: Then close your eyes and believe!
[Scott puts his head under the sheets and speaks in a high-pitched girly voice.]
Scott: Hello! Hi, my name's Suzy. I would love to do you!
Kevin: All right Suzy! [Kevin gets a very happy look on his face.]
[Some time has passed. Kevin is hanging off the foot of the bed, sweating to death. Scott is standing there blowing in his fingers. Dave is sitting in the chair.]
Dave: Thanks, Bob. I really learned a lot tonight.
Scott: It was my pleasure Sandra.
Dave: Oh, one question: Is he gonna be able to make it to work in the morning.
Scott: Not a chance. Gotta go.
[Scott jumps on the windowsill.]
Dave: We *will* see you again, won't we?
Scott: Oh yeah. All you have to do is whistle. You know how to whistle, don't you? Put your lips together and....I'll handle the rest.
[Scott leaves and the angelic music begins to play.]
[Kevin puts his head up]
Kevin: All right Suzy!
[Kevin's head falls again.]
[Scott is on the ground outside the house. He he turns his spotlight off. Then he presses the stop button on a boom box and the angelic music stops. He grabs his things, and goes.]