Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Lindsay Ragis
- Dave- Tom
- Mark- Nina
- Scott- Bram
- Kevin- Tom's wife
- Dennis, son of Tom and his wife
The scene opens with the two couples talking and laughing while entering the living room. They continue to talk as they sit down.
Kevin: (with the coffee pot already in his hand) Well I should get the coffee.
Scott: Oh, ahh, well ahh, we're fine with the coffee we already have.
Dave: So Ninaaaaah can we pour you some coffee?
Mark: Tom you, you just pored me a coffee.
(Dave and Kevin start laughing)
Mark: Well you guys sure seem like you're in a good mood tonight.
Kevin: Thank you (Dave mutters)
Scott: Hey what's up guys?
Mark: Bram if they don't want to tell us they don't have to, it's none of our business.
Scott: Ok, ok, ok
Kevin: No, no we'll tell you.
Mark: Ok sure.
Kevin: Well it seems that our oldest son Dennis, has been experimenting with drugs.
Dave: Yep I found this in Dennis's room ahhh
(Dave pulls out a bag of pot from his pocket and throws in on the table)
Mark: Oh my god heroin!
Dave: (laughing) No I-I'm pretty sure it's pot Nina.
Mark: Oh yeah pot.
Scott: (laughing) Heroin Nina?
(Scott takes the bag of pot)
Mark: Alright Bram, let it drop.
Scott: So what did you guys do about it?
Dave: Well, we confiscated it, we lectured him, and ahhh -
Kevin: (interrupting) and then we smoked it.
(Dave and Kevin laugh)
Dave: Frankly we're high as kites.
(Dave and Kevin laugh)
(Scott takes some pot out of the bag)
Mark: (concerned) Come on you guys. Are you kidding? You smoked it? You shouldn't be smoking this, you have mortgage.
Scott: (with joint in mouth) Well I can smoke a little.
Mark: No, you, Bram, Bram no, put that down, Bram put that down, don't light that Bram, (Dave watches) don't inhale that, don't inhale that, Bram, ahhh!
Scott: (with satisfaction and ease) mmmm ohhhh, loosen up Nina, mmm-mmm have yourself a little tootie toke (offers it to Mark)
Scott: Come on!
Scott: Just a little one.
Mark: No! Come on, I mean come on, no! Shouldn't one of us stay sober in case they have to operate a fire extinguisher or something?
Kevin: Come on Nina!
Dave: Yeah, have some fun, come on!
(Mark still refuses as they try to coax her to try some pot)
Scott: Come on! (handing her the joint)
Mark: No I don't even remember the last time I smoked pot.
Scott: I do.
Mark: Oh don't you dare tell that story, no no, no, no, no, oh alright; alright I'll have a toke.
Dave: (laughing) Okay Nina.
(Mark takes a drag and begins coughing violently and then takes a sip of coffee)
Scott: Are you ok baby?
Mark: (in a happy voice) It's nice.
(Mark passes joint to Dave)
Dave: Yep, the boy sure smokes some good pot don't you think?
Scott: You must be a proud dad?
Dave: Well, you know, you try.
Kevin: Oh Nina would you like some tea?
Mark: (paranoid) Tea? Why, why do you want me to have tea? W-were all drinking coffee here, why do you want me to have tea?
Kevin: N-no reason I just know that you like tea.
Mark: (still paranoid) Yeah but I don't understand what you're saying. (Dave passes joint to Kevin) We're all drinking coffee, why would you want me to have tea?
Scott: Uh-oh here she goes again.
Mark: W-what do you mean go? Go where? Where am I going? What am I doing? Am I talking too loud? I'm talking too loud. That's it I'm talking too loud. (whispering) I'm talking too loud is that it?
Dave: No you're fine Nina you're...
Dave: fine relax.
Mark: ok, yeah, ok. I love this music.
Scott: What music?
Mark: Welll ahh . . . oh my god it's started, ok I think I should go home before it gets worse, I-I'll be fine, thank you very much for dinner, it was really good.
(Mark runs out of the room and then bumps into Dennis and screams)
Dennis: Hey Mrs. Flinniack.
Mark: Oh ahh hello Den-nisss.
(Dennis looks confused)
Mark: Oh my God no Bram, he knows, he knows, I can see it in his eyes.
Dave: Hey there Dennis what's up?
Dennis: (enters living room) Ahh yeah dad, listen umm I've been thinking about what I've done and well I was, I'd really like my pot back.
Dave: I'm afraid not Dennis. Your mother and I are just a little bit, worried that ahh it might have been sprayed with something and ahh . . .
Mark: (all worried) Sprayed with something?
Dave: Yeah so, we're just going to run a few -
Scott: (answering for Dave) Tests!
Dave: Tests and ahh after that we'll ahh . . . (mumbles/trails off).
Dennis: Yeah right dad. (he shakes his head and leaves the room.)
Dave: Good-good son good son.
Mark: (still worried) Todd? Todd? Sprayed? Sprayed with what? Not a depilatory? Oh god Bram is my hair falling out? (Takes a piece of hair, pulls it out and screams). My hair is falling out! (Mark runs out of the house).
Scott: Aww geez, I'm sorry guys. There she goes again. I have to make a call, do you mind?
Dave: Ahh no, go ahead.
Scott: Ok (dials phone). Hello police, yeah I'd like to report a nude woman at the Seven-Eleven in about 15 minutes. Ok, great and I'd like to order a pizza. Oh yeah I'll call direct.
Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video