Smoking Your Son's Pot

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Lindsay Ragis


The scene opens with the two couples talking and laughing while entering the living room. They continue to talk as they sit down.

Kevin: (with the coffee pot already in his hand) Well I should get the coffee.

Scott: Oh, ahh, well ahh, we're fine with the coffee we already have.

Dave: So Ninaaaaah can we pour you some coffee?

Mark: Tom you, you just pored me a coffee.

(Dave and Kevin start laughing)

Mark: Well you guys sure seem like you're in a good mood tonight.

Kevin: Thank you (Dave mutters)

Scott: Hey what's up guys?

Mark: Bram if they don't want to tell us they don't have to, it's none of our business.

Scott: Ok, ok, ok

Kevin: No, no we'll tell you.

Mark: Ok sure.

Kevin: Well it seems that our oldest son Dennis, has been experimenting with drugs.

Mark: What?

Dave: Yep I found this in Dennis's room ahhh

(Dave pulls out a bag of pot from his pocket and throws in on the table)

Mark: Oh my god heroin!


Dave: (laughing) No I-I'm pretty sure it's pot Nina.

Mark: Oh yeah pot.

Scott: (laughing) Heroin Nina?

(Scott takes the bag of pot)

Mark: Alright Bram, let it drop.

Scott: So what did you guys do about it?

Dave: Well, we confiscated it, we lectured him, and ahhh -

Kevin: (interrupting) and then we smoked it.

(Dave and Kevin laugh)

Dave: Frankly we're high as kites.

(Dave and Kevin laugh)

(Scott takes some pot out of the bag)

Mark: (concerned) Come on you guys. Are you kidding? You smoked it? You shouldn't be smoking this, you have mortgage.

Scott: (with joint in mouth) Well I can smoke a little.

Mark: No, you, Bram, Bram no, put that down, Bram put that down, don't light that Bram, (Dave watches) don't inhale that, don't inhale that, Bram, ahhh!

Scott: (with satisfaction and ease) mmmm ohhhh, loosen up Nina, mmm-mmm have yourself a little tootie toke (offers it to Mark)

Mark: Oh-no!

Scott: Come on!

Mark: No!

Scott: Just a little one.

Mark: No! Come on, I mean come on, no! Shouldn't one of us stay sober in case they have to operate a fire extinguisher or something?

Kevin: Come on Nina!

Dave: Yeah, have some fun, come on!

(Mark still refuses as they try to coax her to try some pot)

Scott: Come on! (handing her the joint)

Mark: No I don't even remember the last time I smoked pot.

Scott: I do.

Mark: Oh don't you dare tell that story, no no, no, no, no, oh alright; alright I'll have a toke.

Dave: (laughing) Okay Nina.

(Mark takes a drag and begins coughing violently and then takes a sip of coffee)

Scott: Are you ok baby?

Mark: (in a happy voice) It's nice.

(Mark passes joint to Dave)

Dave: Yep, the boy sure smokes some good pot don't you think?

Scott: You must be a proud dad?

Dave: Well, you know, you try.

Kevin: Oh Nina would you like some tea?

Mark: (paranoid) Tea? Why, why do you want me to have tea? W-were all drinking coffee here, why do you want me to have tea?

Kevin: N-no reason I just know that you like tea.

Mark: (still paranoid) Yeah but I don't understand what you're saying. (Dave passes joint to Kevin) We're all drinking coffee, why would you want me to have tea?

Scott: Uh-oh here she goes again.

Mark: W-what do you mean go? Go where? Where am I going? What am I doing? Am I talking too loud? I'm talking too loud. That's it I'm talking too loud. (whispering) I'm talking too loud is that it?

Dave: No you're fine Nina you're...

Mark: Sure

Dave: fine relax.

Mark: ok, yeah, ok. I love this music.

Scott: What music?

Mark: Welll ahh . . . oh my god it's started, ok I think I should go home before it gets worse, I-I'll be fine, thank you very much for dinner, it was really good.

(Mark runs out of the room and then bumps into Dennis and screams)

Dennis: Hey Mrs. Flinniack.

Mark: Oh ahh hello Den-nisss.

(Dennis looks confused)

Mark: Oh my God no Bram, he knows, he knows, I can see it in his eyes.

Scott: So?

Dave: Hey there Dennis what's up?

Dennis: (enters living room) Ahh yeah dad, listen umm I've been thinking about what I've done and well I was, I'd really like my pot back.

(Scott laughs)

Dave: I'm afraid not Dennis. Your mother and I are just a little bit, worried that ahh it might have been sprayed with something and ahh . . .

Mark: (all worried) Sprayed with something?

Dave: Yeah so, we're just going to run a few -

Scott: (answering for Dave) Tests!

Dave: Tests and ahh after that we'll ahh . . . (mumbles/trails off).

Dennis: Yeah right dad. (he shakes his head and leaves the room.)

Dave: Good-good son good son.

Mark: (still worried) Todd? Todd? Sprayed? Sprayed with what? Not a depilatory? Oh god Bram is my hair falling out? (Takes a piece of hair, pulls it out and screams). My hair is falling out! (Mark runs out of the house).

Scott: Aww geez, I'm sorry guys. There she goes again. I have to make a call, do you mind?

Dave: Ahh no, go ahead.

Scott: Ok (dials phone). Hello police, yeah I'd like to report a nude woman at the Seven-Eleven in about 15 minutes. Ok, great and I'd like to order a pizza. Oh yeah I'll call direct.

Scene Fades

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video