Heroin Junkie

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Cancergir1@aol.com
Cast- [Setting: Kevin is sitting at a table in a restaurant talking to his date.]

Mark: I can't believe it, I mean we both like the same bands, and we both like the same comics, and the same movies, and-[sighs] I'm really glad I ran into you at that party last week.

Kevin: Look, Michelle. Our first date is going well. I like you, I think you like me. I feel it's time I clear the air. I'm a junkie.

Mark: Pardon me?

Kevin: I'm a junkie. I think it's only fair that I'm honest up front and tell you these things right now.

Mark: Not a... heroin junkie?

Kevin: Yup. Heroin, smack, horse, brown sugar. call it what you will.

Mark: Well this comes as quite a shock. I don't know what to say.

Kevin: Michele, I honestly feel that we have a future together so I gotta tell you a couple of things. A) Heroin will always be number one and therefore you will always be number two. B) Anything you bring into the relationship such as walkmans, TV, and the like, will be, sold for heroin. And last but not certainly least, I have the tendency to sleep in the corner in the fetal position, covered in my own puke. Now, having said all that, I think it's time I tell you the bad news.

Mark: The bad news?!!!

Kevin: Yes. there's another woman: Tracy [says her name in a dreamy way]. We've seen each other on and off for the past 7 years, and we've broken up 12 times now. And every time i do break up with her i have a pattern of seeing other women, [gestures his hands toward Mark], for about two months then I go back to Tracy. But this time I honestly feel that we've broken up for good and I will never see her again. but please understand I've said this 11 times, and I always go back to her anyway.

Mark: I see.

Kevin: Well the heroin's in your court-, BALL!!! I mean the ball's in your court. You know Michelle, I look at you and I think you're beautiful. Then my mind wanders to Tracy [says her name passionately again]. Tracy and smack. No, smack then Tracy.

Mark: Well uh. I think I should go because I don't see how this could possibly ever work out okay?

Kevin: Understood. Hey I gave it my best shot. Oh could I borrow $200?

Mark: No!

Kevin: $50? [Mark leaves] Okay bye!

[Kevin goes to payphone and calls Tracy.]

Kevin: Hi, Tracy? I want you back baby!! Yeah I'm still a junkie, are you still a bitch? I want you back baby! Could i borrow $200? I want you back baby!! [repeats those two phrases]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video