Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Employee-Employer Exchange

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Heather Jones
Cast- [Someone is sitting with their back to the camera. The seat spins around to reveal Dave, dressed in Simon's suit.]

Dave: Good evening, and welcome to the Darkness Pit. I am your host, Sir-- Hecubus! I brightened it up a bit, I felt it was too gloomy. [Gestures to a skullhead with flowers in it.] Oh! Today we are having an employee-employer exchange. So I will be your host, as we look at the unconscious and the hidden truths that lie.. hidden in men's souls.

[Kevin appears in Hecubus' black unitard.]

Kevin: Come on, move it along, it's all about pace. The people are getting bored!

Dave: I don't think so.. I'm doing fine, don't you think?

[Audience cheers.]

Kevin: Traitors.

Dave: [quietly] Get down, get down, get down, get down, down, down, down, down. Down lower. Get down lower. Lower, get down! Okay. Okay, now I would like to introduce to you, one who could be the spawn of Satan himself--

Kevin: Hurry up! My knees are going..

Dave: One who has walked along the path of evil many times--

Kevin: Hurry--my knees, my back, my arches!

Dave: one who rather enjoys a brisk evening's walk along the curving path of--

Kevin: That's it, I'm coming up!

Dave: [gestures to Kevin] Manservant Master. Now I will put you in a trance, Master.

Kevin: Oh, good. The Sleep of Ages. I wrote this one. Okay, rookie, while attempting the Sleep of Ages, you must separate your fingers like this, thus preventing injury-- [whispers] Don't worry, if it doesn't work, I'll fake it.

Dave: That's okay. I've got my own way.

Kevin: Oh, really? This I've gotta see.

[Dave pulls out a needle with fluid in it and injects into the air.]

Kevin: What--what the hell is that?

Dave: Sodium pentathol.

Kevin: You're not sticking it in my--OW!

Dave: Now everything you tell me will be the truth.

Kevin: [obviously struggling] It's not working. I don't feel a thing. You're ruining the show!

Dave: What's your correct age?

Kevin: 41. [gets a shocked look on his face] Evil!

Dave: Now, Master, tell me, do you like 16-year-old girls?

Kevin: No, I do not.. LIKE 16-year-old girls. That would be wrong.

Dave: Then let me rephrase the question.

Kevin: Oh, you bastard.

Dave: Do you.. do you lust after 16-year-old girls?

Kevin: [whimpers] Yes, oh God, yes! [points to himself] Evil, evil!

Dave: Now, Master, go into the darkest recesses of your soul and reveal to us your most hideous and deeply hidden truths.

Kevin: No, must resist--

Dave: Tell me.

Kevin: Must resist--

Dave: Tell me! [Injects Kevin again and he playfully convulses.]

Kevin: I go home late at night--

Dave: Yes?

Kevin: I turn all the lights off--

Dave: Yes?

Kevin: And I fantisize--

Dave: Yes?

Kevin: About being a dentist!

Dave: [looks at Kevin like he's crazy] Why?

Kevin: 'Cause they've got it all figured out, man!

Dave: I've gone too far, and for too little. Master, revive. [Injects Kevin twice.]

Kevin: What? I don't remember a thing.. what happened? What did I say?

Dave: Nothing, it was a complete and utter failure. Take over, Master.

Kevin: So, I guess you've learned my job isn't so easy, eh?

Dave: Yes, Master, it is more difficult than it looks.

Kevin: Well, I'm a big man, I can admit, your job requires-- some minor skill.

Dave: Thank you, Master.

Kevin: So, I guess we've gained a certain respect for each other, eh?

Dave: Yes.

Kevin: Thank you. Good night from the.. Darkness Pit, and please remember, you can lead a horse to water, but--good night!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video