Door-to-Door Knife Sharpener

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Kate Wilson
Cast: [The camera moves down a street in a quiet neighborhood on a fall day. Birds are chirping, a dog barks, a man is raking leaves, a boy rides by ringing the bell on his bicycle. they have some kind of rhythm going. The camera stops to show the front of a house with a large curtained window. Suddenly there are screams and hacking noises, and blood splashes against the window several times. Immediately after there is another bell ringing and the camera shows an old man rolling a large knife sharpener down the street. Dave runs into the street in a bloody suit, holding a bloody axe and calling to the old man.]

Dave: Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! [old man approaches dave] Hiii. Can you sharpen an axe?

Old Man: Uh-huh.

Dave: Great. How much would that cost?

Old Man: Ah-two bucks.

Dave: Oooh, jeez. Two bucks huh... [eyeing axe] What the hell, the damn thing needs sharpening.

[Old man puts a towel around the bloody axe handle and takes it]

Dave: Gosh. Must be great to have a job that keeps you outside on a beautiful day like today.

Old Man: S'nice. When the weather is nice.

Dave: Mmm, true enough. [man starts sharpening axe] My line I hardly ever get out. [shouting] See I'm an axe murderer. So I usually work indoors.. you know.. privacy and all.

Old Man: [stops sharpening] Uh-huh.

Dave: Yeah. I mean beautiful day like today and I'm stuck inside y'know just choppin up this couple [makes chopping motion]. I mean a nice young couple! Uhh, he's a cable installer, and she's a dentist. There aren't a lot of women dentists. I don't know why that is. Gee I guess there's one fewer now, huh?

[Dave laughs and the old man gives a disgusted chuckle.]

[Old man wipes off axe and returns to sharpening.]

Dave: Ah, but really I shouldn't laugh. [sharpening stops] It's quite sad.

Old Man: That's life.

Dave: [knods] Mm-hm.

Old Man: Here you go. [hands Dave the axe]

Dave: Oh you're done oh that was fast. So that was uh two dollars right. [reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out a blood-soaked bill] Ugh, here. Do you have change for a five?

Old Man: No.

Dave: [skeptical] You don't have three dollars?

Old Man: No.

Dave: No, huh.

[In the background, Kevin claws at the window.]

Old Man: No.

[Yhe curtains fall on Kevin and the audience laughs.]

Dave: [psychotically eyes the axe and then the old man]... OK! Keep the change. Oh and uh by the way uh don't mention this to anyone else or uhh.. [makes chopping motion] "chop, chop." [laughs]

[Dave runs back in the house and the Old Man goes on his way.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video