Sex Girl Patrol

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: I
Cast: Interviewer: You were saying?

Filmmaker: My new film is a very important film, right, because the world today, I mean, is a dark and shrouded place you know, pessimistic,and film is light. But I say if the film up on the screen is dark then where is the light?

Interviewer: What's the name of your film?

Filmmaker: Sex Girl Patrol.

Interviewer: Sex Girl Patrol? The title is very sexist.

Filmmaker: Thank you. It's a very sexist film, yes.

Interviewer: What's the film about?

Filmmaker: Right , good question. At the dawn of the third millennium, right, the forces of sex negativity, right, continue to dominate the planet earth. Now war and the bloodshed and the sexual frustration is everywhere so for this reason, The Grand Council of Hot Love, you know, up in space, decide to dispatch three of their finest love commandos - they be Monique, Trudie, and Ginger - to seek out hate and the evil and sexy problems, right? Now aided only by Sexboy, without whose sex nourishment their sexual energy is incomplete and relying only on their ability to generate sexual horniness in absolutely everybody, this Sex Girl Patrol is out to save the planet.

[Opening Theme]

Sex girl patrol / They're in control / With body and soul / They're in control / Sex girl patrol / Sex girl patrol ...with sex boy

Ginger: Good work, Monique. They are sexing very well.

Monique: Yes, Ginger, their passion wasn't lost, only hidden. And what of the grandfather?

Ginger: He is upstairs, having *sex*.

Monique: On the bed?

Ginger: No, on the phone.

Monique: Well done, Ginger. Listen, even the dogs are panting with passion.

Ginger: And yet Dusseldorf is such an unfunny town.

Monique: Yes, but once we make it more sexier, it will be a different place.

[Enter Trudie]

Trudie: Ginger, Monique - someone has kidnapped Sexboy.

Monique: Sexboy?

Ginger: Kidnapped?

Monique: But who?

[Cut to Preacher filming a promo]

Preacher:The world must come to God. Yes, as surely as those body parts which have sinned against him will fall off to the ground and burst into flames, the world must come to God. But it can't come to God without your financial contributions so please give generously. God Bless You.

Director: Cut and clear.

Preacher: For when they do come to God, all stupid and timid and horny, then only I will be able to give them satisfaction. Do I hear an amen, Sexboy?

Sexboy: Could I have just one hand free? How much trouble could I get into with just one hand?

Monique: The commuter is almost ready.

Ginger: And the nude is almost ready.

Monique and Ginger: Trudie!

Trudie: This came.

Monique: A videocassette?

Trudie: Yes.

Ginger: Why? From where? From whom?

Trudie: I don't know.

Monique: I'm almost scared to play it.

Trudie: But we must!

Monique, Ginger, and Trudie: Sexboy!

[On the tape]

Sexboy: Help me, help Sexboy,Ooo, rub Sexboy, Sexboy needs touching.

Off camera voice: You're in the shot.

Preacher: Oh well,uh, shoot another one but don't send them this one or they'll know who I am.

Off camera voice: You want me to send them this one?

Preacher: No, don't send them this one, send them another one.

Off camera voice: Wait a minute , what -what -what do you want me to send?

Preacher: Look, forget about this one, send them the next one, shoot another one.

Off camera voice: Okay, I'll get another tape.

Monique: I think we know where to go now.

Monique, Ginger, Trudie:The Blue Note Club!

[they go to the club]

Monique: Nothing!

Trudie: Why do you think they took Sexboy?

Monique: I don't know Trudie, why do they drown kittens? Bad sex has made them nervous, unwilling to think.

Scott as preacher: So this is the famous Sex Girl Patrol, somehow I thought you'd be taller.

Trudie: We're tall enough. Where is Sexboy?

[Men with Scott point off camera]

Scott as preacher: Stop it! Let's just say that Sexboy is somewhere on the other side of our big sticks.

Monique: Okay girls, I think it's time for the deadly sex look.

[SGP give deadly sex look to Scott and the men with him. Cut to Preacher's headquarters]

Intercom: Attention! We are under sex attack! Repeat: We are under sex attack!Will all non essential personnel please vacate the hidden area in an orderly fashion.

Sexboy: Sex Girl Patrol?

Preacher: Sexboy dies!

Trudie: Look!

[Caveman comes out of the fog and goes for Preacher]

Preacher: The caveman? But you have been frozen in ice for a million years! You can't be alive!

[Preacher screams. Cut to party]

Interviewer: Hold it. I'm a little confused. Where does the caveman come from? I just have to ask.

Filmmaker: Asking, asking, asking - always multitasking. You're just like the studio. That caveman is the one thing I fought for. Watch the film.

[Cut back to the party with everyone dancing and frolicking]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video