Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: BridgGuy@aol.com
[Kevin is walking down a sidewalk reading a list.]
- Kevin- Man with a list of things to do
- Dave- Thug
- Man- Clerk at dry cleaners
- Woman- Old Lady
- Men- Henchmen
Kevin: Things to do, things to do today. Got a big day ahead of me, several things to do. Gotta keep on top of my life, gotta keep on top of my life. I have seven things to do. Number one: Banking. Number two: Pick up dry cleaning. [He walks into an old lady and knocks her down.] Okay, ya just knocked over an old lady, keep moving, ya got seven things to do!
[Kevin is collecting money at a bank.]
Kevin: Okay, one down. [He crosses out "1. Banking"] Six things to do. Number two: Pick up dry cleaning. Number-wait a second! I've got number five where number seven should be. [Thinks for a second.] Number eight: Switch number five with number seven.
[Dave and henchmen walk in wearing animal masks and holding guns.]
Dave: Good morning everybody! This is a hold-up! I repeat, this is a hold-up! No funny business, or this will happen to you! [Shoots one of his own men] Get the money!
[As one of the men gets the money, the alarm sounds.]
Dave: Aw great, now we need a hostage.
[Kevin begins leaving when Dave puts a gun to his back.]
Kevin: [raises his arms and continues walking] Alright, you're being held hostage. Adapt to the schedule. [Mumbles something while being led out.]
[Kevin is in the backseat of a car with Dave and two henchmen.]
Kevin: [looks at list] Number two: Pick up dry cleaning. Excuse me, could you drop me off at my dry cleaners? Thanks.
[Dave takes off mask.]
Dave: Look! Maybe you don't understand the situation you are in. You are a hostage, and I am a man with a gun! So shut up!
Kevin: Here's my dry cleaners! Thank you!
[Kevin rolls out of the car while it is still going.]
[Kevin walks into the dry cleaners, then the car comes back and Dave and his men walk out.]
[In the dry cleaners, Kevin and the clerk are tugging on a pair of pants.]
Dave: Nice try, smart ass. Now let's go.
Kevin: He won't give me my pants cause I lost my tag!
Man: No tag, no pants!
Dave: Well give him his pants.
Dave: Look! Give him his pants or this'll happen to you! [shoots another of his own men.]
Man: Oh yeah! These are your pants! My mistake!
[Kevin, Dave, and remaining henchman are back in the car, with the henchman driving.]
Kevin: [crosses out "2. Pick up dry cleaning] Number three: Buy stamps. Driver! Turn right.
Dave: No,no! We're going left!
Kevin: Turn right.
Dave: Turn left! Turn left!
Kevin: Turn right.
Dave: Look! We're going left! If you don't shut up! This is going to happen to you! [Dave shoots the driver] Uh-oh.
[Car swerves and crashes. Dave is hanging out of a window and Kevin walks out, unharmed.]
Kevin: Number three: Buy stamps. Okay! Gotta keep on top of my life. Gotta keep on top of my life. [walks into and knocks down the old lady again] Okay, ya just knocked over the same old lady. Keep moving! You got 5 things to do! Number three: Buy stamps. Number four: Pay bills.
[Kevin walks into building and scene ends.]