Things To Do

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast- [Kevin is walking down a sidewalk reading a list.]

Kevin: Things to do, things to do today. Got a big day ahead of me, several things to do. Gotta keep on top of my life, gotta keep on top of my life. I have seven things to do. Number one: Banking. Number two: Pick up dry cleaning. [He walks into an old lady and knocks her down.] Okay, ya just knocked over an old lady, keep moving, ya got seven things to do!

[Kevin is collecting money at a bank.]

Kevin: Okay, one down. [He crosses out "1. Banking"] Six things to do. Number two: Pick up dry cleaning. Number-wait a second! I've got number five where number seven should be. [Thinks for a second.] Number eight: Switch number five with number seven.

[Dave and henchmen walk in wearing animal masks and holding guns.]

Dave: Good morning everybody! This is a hold-up! I repeat, this is a hold-up! No funny business, or this will happen to you! [Shoots one of his own men] Get the money!

[As one of the men gets the money, the alarm sounds.]

Dave: Aw great, now we need a hostage.

Kevin: Okay.

[Kevin begins leaving when Dave puts a gun to his back.]

Dave: You!

Kevin: [raises his arms and continues walking] Alright, you're being held hostage. Adapt to the schedule. [Mumbles something while being led out.]

[Kevin is in the backseat of a car with Dave and two henchmen.]

Kevin: [looks at list] Number two: Pick up dry cleaning. Excuse me, could you drop me off at my dry cleaners? Thanks.

[Dave takes off mask.]

Dave: Look! Maybe you don't understand the situation you are in. You are a hostage, and I am a man with a gun! So shut up!

Kevin: Here's my dry cleaners! Thank you!

[Kevin rolls out of the car while it is still going.]

[Kevin walks into the dry cleaners, then the car comes back and Dave and his men walk out.]

[In the dry cleaners, Kevin and the clerk are tugging on a pair of pants.]

Dave: Nice try, smart ass. Now let's go.

Kevin: He won't give me my pants cause I lost my tag!

Man: No tag, no pants!

Dave: Well give him his pants.

Man: No!

Dave: Look! Give him his pants or this'll happen to you! [shoots another of his own men.]

Man: Oh yeah! These are your pants! My mistake!

[Kevin, Dave, and remaining henchman are back in the car, with the henchman driving.]

Kevin: [crosses out "2. Pick up dry cleaning] Number three: Buy stamps. Driver! Turn right.

Dave: No,no! We're going left!

Kevin: Turn right.

Dave: Turn left! Turn left!

Kevin: Turn right.

Dave: Look! We're going left! If you don't shut up! This is going to happen to you! [Dave shoots the driver] Uh-oh.

[Car swerves and crashes. Dave is hanging out of a window and Kevin walks out, unharmed.]

Kevin: Number three: Buy stamps. Okay! Gotta keep on top of my life. Gotta keep on top of my life. [walks into and knocks down the old lady again] Okay, ya just knocked over the same old lady. Keep moving! You got 5 things to do! Number three: Buy stamps. Number four: Pay bills.

[Kevin walks into building and scene ends.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video