Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast: [Transcriber's Note: Kevin's character is called the *Apathetic* cop, thus he speaks in a very apathetic manner, which is mostly what makes this sketch so funny.]

[Doorbell rings. Mark goes to answer it, but first looks in the peephole. He sounds relieved, and opens the door to reveal Kevin.]

Kevin: Oink, oink, the pigs are here. Grease up the pan, get ready to fry, your bacon has arrived.

Mark: You're a police officer?

Kevin: Yes, sir. I'm the heat, the fuzz, the black and white, Mr. (?) [puts his pinky in his mouth and swirls it around in the air] whoopie.

Mark: Ok, well, come on in. Come on in.

[Kevin enters the house waving his gun as if he is trying to clear a path.]

Kevin: Oink, oink, pig comin' through, pig comin' through.

Mark: You know, you certainly took your time getting here, I called over an hour ago.

Kevin: You know cops, where are they when you need one? Probably sitting on their fat asses. Chances their asses are fat. They've lowered their standards so much, just about anyone could be a cop. Look at me. [Points to himself with the gun.]

Mark: Yeah, yeah, ok, look, as you can see I had a break in--

Kevin: Uh-huh and what's a break-in, again?

Mark: It's when someone breaks into your house.

Kevin: Geez, I shoulda known that. [points to himself again] Fat ass useless pig! So they just broke in and left, sir?

Mark: No, they broke in, took everything and left.

Kevin: That makes more sense. I better call police HQ, get a three car back-up. [Goes to make a phone call.]

Mark: Why bother? They're obviously long gone!

Kevin: Oh, I'm a coward. We're all cowards. Fat ass and cowardly. Do you wanna bribe me, sir?

Mark: Bribe you? What for?

Kevin: You name it, we're all corrupt. Just like in Serpico. Don't know why I bothered callin'. It's 4 o' clock, siesta time at the pig pen.

Mark: Do you guys really think that you deserve--

[Kevin screams and shoots Mark who falls down.]

Kevin: Typical pig move. Shoot first, ask questions later. Well, I'll have to cover up my tracks, make it look like his wife did it, send another innocent person to the gas chamber.

[Mark starts to get up, but Kevin screams and shoots him down again.]

Kevin: Pig comin' through. Oink, oink. Oink, oink.

[Kevin opens the door.]

Kevin: Hey, kid! Did you see that?

[He shoots out the door and then walks out.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video