Bruce: Sandwich People

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Bruce: It's so sad. People and their sandwiches. People looking forward to eating their sandwiches. You know, they'll be working or doing something really stupid like polishing their furniture, and they'll say: "Oh things aren't *so* bad; at least I got that sandwich to look forward to!"

And then around noon or maybe 10 am, they'll take out their sandwich, and take little tiny bites of that thing and think about little tiny pieces of change that would make them happy; you know, if they could only lose four or five pounds. If the movie they'd seen the night before could only be slightly better. They don't ask much, the Sandwich People. Sad as snake snot.

The only thing sadder than the Sandwich People, are the *Poo* People. You know, the Poo People: adults who sleep alone every night, but everyday you see 'em walkin' their three pound dogs. If it were a fish you'd throw it back! But they love it and they walk it. They walk it with little plastic bags on their hands. Waitin' for their little three-pounder to have his poo. And when he does, they pick it up. And feel that heat in their hand. As if to say: "I am *alive*!!"

The only thing sadder than the Poo People, are the Happy People. Yeah, the Happy People, you know, sitting in their cars, smiling at police, keeping their change in their wallets, remembering peoples birthdays, pleased as punch they didn't get murdered. Sad, sad, sad are the Happy People.

I guess the only thing sadder than the Happy People, are the Village People! Yes the Village People are the very saddest of all! They can't believe they wrote that song about the YMCA...they've never *been* to the YMCA. That cowboy doesn't want to be a cowboy anymore! He wants to be a grownup! [starts odd dancing] Right now he's in some town, doing bizarre choreographed moves, thinkin' to himself: "Well at least I got that *sandwich* to look forward to!" [stops dancing]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video