Cabbie Delivers Rush-Hour Baby

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast- [Bruce gets into a cab and is breathing very heavily.]

Bruce: Women's College Hospital and please hurry as I've gone into labor.

[Dave turns around. He is eating a sandwich, smoking, and has a big black curly wig and a mustache.]

Dave: I'll get you there ma'am. Mind if I smoke?

Bruce: No, I'd rather you didn't a--

Dave: Thanks. [He points to the "No Smoking" sign.] Damn government.

Bruce: Please hurry. Please--

[Dave says something, but there is no sound until the end of his sentence.]

Dave: Don't you be a beautiful and natural thing: No meter! Let's go!

[Dave drives very quickly into a load of traffic.]

Bruce: My God! I think the baby's coming.

Dave: There, there, ma'am. Don't talk crazy. Plenty of time. Hey! I think the traffic is thinning out.

[Dave blows his horn and sticks his head out the window.]

Dave: Come on, move it, pal! I'm dying here!

Bruce: It's to late. The baby's coming and you're going to have to help me.

Dave: Oh lady, don't go doing that here. Come on, have some decency! Control yourself!

[A baby's cry is heard.]

Dave: Oh my God...

[A newspaper is tossed on the ground with a picture of Dave and the headline: Cabbie delivers Rush Hour Baby.]

[Mark and Kevin get into the cab.]

Mark: Hi! My wife's having a baby. Boy: Darren. Girl: Kate.

Dave: That's wonderful. So what hospital should I take you to?

Mark: Actually we were hoping *you'd* deliver our baby.

Kevin: We read about you in the paper and we were very impressed.

Mark: Very impressed.

Dave: Well, thanks. But you see I'm not a doctor. I'm just a guy with a taxi license. Sure I know every address in the Metropolitan Area and I'm proud of that, but what you *need*--

Kevin: Please, we've given this a lot of thought. We don't want to go to a big impersonal hospital where they treat pregnancy like a disease.

Mark: Like a disease!

Kevin: This is what we want.

Dave: You're a sweet couple. OK!

Mark and Kevin: Thank you.

Dave: But I gotta leave the meter on. I have to make a living, you know.

Mark: Sure.

[Another newspaper with the headline: Cabbie catches another one!]

[Dave is asleep in his cab, but is woken up by the sound of Scott coming in.]

Scott: Hello?

Dave: Where to, pal?

Scott: Um...would you take out my appendix?

Dave: No!

Scott: It's really inflamed.

Dave: I'm not a doctor, ok?

Scott: I don't trust doctors...ooh! [grimaces from pain] Please?

Dave: Allright.

Scott: Super!

[Dave takes out his pocket knife.]

Dave: OK, lie down and pull up your shirt, would ya?

[Scott complies]

Dave: OK, let's go.

[Dave dodges the squirting blood.]

Dave: You almost got me there, kid.

[Another newspaper. Headline: 'No Sweat', Says Cabbie]

[Norm walks into the cab in pants, a suit jacket, and messed up tie. He puts his hands to his head.]

Norm: There's something wrong with my BRAIN!

[Dave takes out his pocket knife and opens to the corkscrew end.]

Dave: OK, let's just open her up and take a look.

[A woman runs up to the the cab and sees Dave hunched up over Norm. You can hear Norm scream.]

Woman: Damn.

[She hears a beep and runs off.]

Woman: Taxi!

[Inside the cab, Dave backs off Norm. Norm has a very long scar going across his forehead. He is fixing his tie.]

Norm: Thanks, what do I owe ya?

Dave: Six seventy.

Norm: Make it eight bucks. [gives Dave money]

Dave: Hey thanks! [Dave looks at the money as if pondering something.]

[A long line of sick and injured people are sitting outside the taxi stand. A nurse's desk is in the middle of the sidewalk.]

Nurse: Mr. Melvin. The Cabbie will see you now.

[An old man with a bloody towel wrapped around his hand walks up.]

[Dave has a doctor's coat on.]

Dave: Come on, pal. Meter's runnin'. Snap it up.

[Just before the old man can get in, Brian runs up.]

Brian: Can you take me to the airport?

Dave: Airport! Sure thing! Jump in!

[Brian pushes the old man.]

Brian: Back off.

Dave: Out of the way, pal.

[Dave brushes past the man, gets in the cab and drives away at top speed.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video