Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
[Bruce gets into a cab and is breathing very heavily.]
- Dave- Cabbie
- Bruce- Woman in Labor
- Kevin- Woman in Labor
- Mark- Kevin's husband
- Scott- Man with Appendicitis
- Norm Hiscock- Insane Man
- Brian Hartt- Patron
- Some More People
Bruce: Women's College Hospital and please hurry as I've gone into labor.
[Dave turns around. He is eating a sandwich, smoking, and has a big black curly wig and a mustache.]
Dave: I'll get you there ma'am. Mind if I smoke?
Bruce: No, I'd rather you didn't a--
Dave: Thanks. [He points to the "No Smoking" sign.] Damn government.
Bruce: Please hurry. Please--
[Dave says something, but there is no sound until the end of his sentence.]
Dave: Don't you worry...to be a beautiful and natural thing: No meter! Let's go!
[Dave drives very quickly into a load of traffic.]
Bruce: My God! I think the baby's coming.
Dave: There, there, ma'am. Don't talk crazy. Plenty of time. Hey! I think the traffic is thinning out.
[Dave blows his horn and sticks his head out the window.]
Dave: Come on, move it, pal! I'm dying here!
Bruce: It's to late. The baby's coming and you're going to have to help me.
Dave: Oh lady, don't go doing that here. Come on, have some decency! Control yourself!
[A baby's cry is heard.]
Dave: Oh my God...
[A newspaper is tossed on the ground with a picture of Dave and the headline: Cabbie delivers Rush Hour Baby.]
[Mark and Kevin get into the cab.]
Mark: Hi! My wife's having a baby. Boy: Darren. Girl: Kate.
Dave: That's wonderful. So what hospital should I take you to?
Mark: Actually we were hoping *you'd* deliver our baby.
Kevin: We read about you in the paper and we were very impressed.
Mark: Very impressed.
Dave: Well, thanks. But you see I'm not a doctor. I'm just a guy with a taxi license. Sure I know every address in the Metropolitan Area and I'm proud of that, but what you *need*--
Kevin: Please, we've given this a lot of thought. We don't want to go to a big impersonal hospital where they treat pregnancy like a disease.
Mark: Like a disease!
Kevin: This is what we want.
Dave: You're a sweet couple. OK!
Mark and Kevin: Thank you.
Dave: But I gotta leave the meter on. I have to make a living, you know.
[Another newspaper with the headline: Cabbie catches another one!]
[Dave is asleep in his cab, but is woken up by the sound of Scott coming in.]
Dave: Where to, pal?
Scott: Um...would you take out my appendix?
Scott: It's really inflamed.
Dave: I'm not a doctor, ok?
Scott: I don't trust doctors...ooh! [grimaces from pain] Please?
[Dave takes out his pocket knife.]
Dave: OK, lie down and pull up your shirt, would ya?
Dave: OK, let's go.
[Dave dodges the squirting blood.]
Dave: You almost got me there, kid.
[Another newspaper. Headline: 'No Sweat', Says Cabbie]
[Norm walks into the cab in pants, a suit jacket, and messed up tie. He puts his hands to his head.]
Norm: There's something wrong with my BRAIN!
[Dave takes out his pocket knife and opens to the corkscrew end.]
Dave: OK, let's just open her up and take a look.
[A woman runs up to the the cab and sees Dave hunched up over Norm. You can hear Norm scream.]
[She hears a beep and runs off.]
[Inside the cab, Dave backs off Norm. Norm has a very long scar going across his forehead. He is fixing his tie.]
Norm: Thanks, what do I owe ya?
Dave: Six seventy.
Norm: Make it eight bucks. [gives Dave money]
Dave: Hey thanks! [Dave looks at the money as if pondering something.]
[A long line of sick and injured people are sitting outside the taxi stand. A nurse's desk is in the middle of the sidewalk.]
Nurse: Mr. Melvin. The Cabbie will see you now.
[An old man with a bloody towel wrapped around his hand walks up.]
[Dave has a doctor's coat on.]
Dave: Come on, pal. Meter's runnin'. Snap it up.
[Just before the old man can get in, Brian runs up.]
Brian: Can you take me to the airport?
Dave: Airport! Sure thing! Jump in!
[Brian pushes the old man.]
Brian: Back off.
Dave: Out of the way, pal.
[Dave brushes past the man, gets in the cab and drives away at top speed.]