My God They Can Read My Thoughts

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Alex Zani
Cast: [We see a meeting room. Kevin is sitting at the far end of a table with Scott (to his right) and the other executives.]

Receptionist (O.S.): (through intercom) Mr. Shatner's here, sir.

Kevin: Send him in.

[Dave walks in]

Dave: Gentlemen.

[They all stand.]

Kevin: Shatner. Like you to meet my V.P., Jay Brandon, and this is... everybody else.

Dave: Pleasure to meet you [muttering] you dead-eyed corporate lackies.

[The executives glance at each other and sit down.]

Kevin: Well, I've heard a lot of good things about you from my friend Jim Taylor over at your head office.

Dave: Oh, that's good to know.

Kevin: He says that, since you've joined his company...

[Kevin continues talking in the background]

Dave: [under his breath] Like I really care what a loser like that says, so lets just try and get this over with *quickly* so I can get down to the bar for a couple of drinks and maybe get home in time to catch the last period of the hockey game.

[By this time everyone has stopped talking and is staring at Dave.]

Kevin: Shatner, are you listening?

Dave: [smiling] Oh, of course I am, sir! [muttering] I have to hang on your every word. What'd you say we get down to business?

Kevin: Yes... I think that would be best...

Dave: [handing out booklets] [under his breath] Allllright, you hapless pack of unimaginative turds, what we're proposing, is an exclusive use of our product with a 25% swapping of shares across the board, then we buy up all your shares through a dummy corporation...

Kevin: Dummy... corporation?

Dave: What?

Kevin: You just said you were going to buy up all our stock!

Dave: No I didn't! [muttering] Oh my god, how did he know that?

Kevin: Because I heard you.

Dave: [muttering] Oh my god! He can read my thoughts! The old bastard can read my thoughts!

Scott: Hey! You just called Mr. Collin an old bastard!

Dave: What! No I didn't! Oh my god, they can *all* read my thoughts! Must... try to think of nothing!

Kevin: Look, we're willing to ignore your insults for the sake of the deal, but a hostile takeover is *quite* another matter!

Dave: [nervously] Hostile takeover? Who said anything about a hostile takeover? [under breath] Must try to block my thoughts... la la la la la la la...

Kevin: Stop that idiotic singing!

Dave: [under his breath, but at the same time at speaking volume] Oh my god, they can hear my blocking my thoughts! This is incredible! A whole company of telepaths! Why, this is like some... Twilight Zone episode!

Scott: Oh, I love that show! Especially the one where Burgess Meredith forgets his glasses and can't read his book! [laughs]

Dave: [under his breath, but at the same time at speaking volume] Oh, I like that one too... Oh my god, regroup! Create a diversion! Tell them you have to go to the bathroom! yes... [speaking to the executives] If you'd excuse, gentlemen, I have to go to the bathroom for a moment.

[Dave stands up]

Kevin: What a pathetic diversion!

[Dave lets out a yell and runs out the door]

Scott: [to Kevin] Strange!

Kevin: Yes, but, all these Earthlings seem strange to me...

[Kevin looks at his watch.]

Kevin: Oh! Lunchtime!

[Everyone pulls flashlights out of their suits and stand as the lights dim. They turn on the flashlights and point them into their mouths, making an "aahh" noise, as creepy sound fx play in the background. Audience cheers.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video