Weird Plastic Surgeon

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
Cast: Mark: Hello, doctor.

[Dave extends his arm across his desk, and they shake hands.]

Dave: Mr. Divyk.

Mark: Hi.

Dave: Have a seat.

[Mark and Dave sit down.]

Mark: Um, I guess I should start by saying I feel, uh, a little nervous about seeing a plastic surgeon, um...

Dave: Well, imagine how nervous I feel about being a plastic surgeon.

[They both laugh, and Mark relaxes a bit.]

Mark: Thank you. Um, alright, what I wanted done is --

Dave: No no no no, let's not rush straight into business, let's uh, just sit and chat for a second, just uh, tell me, what's new?

Mark: Well, uh, I don't know, what's new with you?

Dave: Well, I'm glad you ask -- I'm gradually turning my assistant into a rat.

Mark: [looking a bit confused] A rat.

Dave: Shh! He has excellent hearing.

Mark: What do you -- what do you mean?

[Kevin, with rat's ears and protruding rat's teeth, rushes into the office, wearing a white lab coat and acting very much like a rodent, his nose twitching.]

Kevin: [in a very high-pitched voice] Did you call me?

Dave: No, nobody called you.

Kevin: Are you sure?

Dave: Yes, I'm sure.

Kevin: I'll sit here just in case you need me.

[Kevin sits in a chair by the door. Dave opens the top right drawer of his desk and takes out a slice of swiss cheese, which he shakes temptingly toward Kevin. Dave throws the cheese out into the hall, and after a moment of trying to resist, Kevin goes after it.]

Dave: There, now we can talk. So you were interested in a, uh, full facelift was it?

Mark: No, no. I- I just wanted to have this mole removed.

[Mark points at the mole on his left cheek.]

Dave: Hmm. Well, let me run this past you. What I see for you is one big eye!

Mark: Oh?

Dave: [growing agitated, his voice growing louder] Look, I'm not mad, I'm not mad, I'M NOT MAD!

[Kevin staggers by, squealing, with his hands held up over his ears.]

Mark: Y- y'know, I- I have reason to believe I've mad a mistake, [getting up and going toward the door] I- I think I'll just be going.

Dave: Look, I'm not mad, but I am going mad, so there is a discount.

Mark: [stopping in the doorway] How much of a discount?

Dave: Well, I'm sure we could come to something, uh --

[Kevin enters, throwing Mark aside and into the door.]

Kevin: I just saw my reflection in the water dish. You've made me a freak!

Dave: Run! Save yourself!

[Mark runs out of the office. Kevin climbs over Dave's desk and lunges at him, grabbing at his shoulders and shaking him.]

Dave: No! No!

Kevin: You've played God once too often, and now you're going to meet God!

[Kevin throws Dave to the floor behind the desk. We hear loud, wet chewing noises. After a moment, the noises stop and Kevin stands in a threatening pose, with blood around his mouth and on his fingers. The words "TO BE CONTINUED..." appear on the screen, and police sirens can be heard in the background. The words disappear, and a cop enters the office. The cop shoots Kevin, and Kevin slumps into a chair, dead. "THE END" appears on the screen.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video