Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Multiple Personalities

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: JZ3NIF@aol.com
Cast: Kevin: Good evening. I am Sir Simon Milligan. And welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. Where's the reverb? I asked for reverb. (reverb goes on) Not now. Never mind.

Tonight, we dive into the diseased human mind. Join me, the grey matter is warm. Within each of us are several personalities. For example, are any of us the same person when we talk to our parents as we are when we say, "I go with a prostitute?" J-just an example.

You see, in the normal mind these personalities are integrated. However, in the freakish...unnormal mind, these personalities splinter, forming separate and distinct people, living within a single brain, like this one!! (shows brain, drops it)

Now, in the tradition of 3 Faces of Eve, yet less ambitious than Cybill, join me in welcoming the multiple personalities of my brimstone baby, Manservant Hecubus. (Hecubus rises)

Dave: Good evening, master.

Kevin: Good evening. And now for the sleep of ages. Leba! Seba! Kootie! (Hecubus falls asleep) Hecubus, can you hear me?

Dave: Yes, master.

Kevin: Is there anyone else in you brain I can speak to?

Dave: Hold the phone, master. (changes) Hello. How ya doing, pally?

Kevin: And who am I talking to?

Dave: Ed. Ed's the name.

Kevin: And what do you do, Ed?

Dave: Uh, nothin'.

Kevin: Really, then how do you know when you're done? (Laughs, become serious) EVIL! Now, is there anyone else I can speak to?

Dave: Sure, just a sec. (changes) Hello.

Kevin: And who am I talking to now?

Dave: Ted. Ed said you wanted to talk to me.

Kevin: Gee, Ted. You sound an awful lot like Ed.

Dave: Yeah? Never heard that before.

Kevin: May I speak to Ed again?

Dave: Sure. (changes) Hello.

Kevin: Hello, is this Ed?

Dave: No, this is Fred. Ted musta heard you wrong. Ed, phone for you. (changes) Hello.

Kevin: Now Ed?

Dave: Yeah. (laughs)

Kevin: What's so funny?

Dave: It's still Fred. I fooled ya!

Kevin: Evil. May I please speak to Ed?

Dave: Sure. (changes) Hello, Ed here. (laughs)

Kevin: Okay, who is this?

Dave: Oh, it's Ed. I just think what Fred did was pretty damn funny. (changes)

Kevin: Oh, let me guess who this is. Jed?

Dave: No. My name Julio! Julio the bus driver!! Ay, ay!

Kevin: Now we're cooking with evil gas. Tell me, Julio, how long have you been around?

Dave: No, it's still Fred. God, you're gullible.

Kevin: Enough of this farce. Hecubus, awaken. (slaps him)

Dave: Master, where have I been?

Kevin: Oh, shut up. I hope this evening's performance has taught you to value your flimsy grasp on sanity. At any given moment, any one of you can snap! (snaps)

Dave: Hello, Ed here. Geez, you know , these tights really bind at the crotch.

Kevin: So from all of us at the snake pit, goodnight. And please remember to floss. (to Dave) Where did you go to acting school?

Dave: Are you talking to Ed?

(they argue and exit)

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video